Retrospective Study.

Sometimes, the smallest things take up the largest place in our heart. –Quote along similar lines by Winnie the Pooh.

Truth is bitter and there is nothing more disagreeable than hearing it from the very people who you thought would defend you. When your worst fears are confirmed by the one you trust the most, you really don’t know yourself anymore. I am not who I was, I don’t like who I am but I can’t seem to understand when did I even change. It’s like cancer, growing within you insidiously, destroying you surreptitiously from the inside until one day you wake up to see that you’re no longer who you were. The question is, how much has this cancer progressed? Can I really get back to who I was? My problem is why do I believe so much in the goodness of “who I was”? Maybe I’ve had the flawed gene for a long time now…

Dad studied in Suratkal for 5 years and he describes his hostel life as one of the experiences that taught him a lot about life. One of the reasons (other than the gaadi) for his reluctance on me shifting out of campus was his belief that staying in would teach me a thing or two about people skills and also give me a lot of memories of hostel life. It’s been over 30 years and he still has a connection with some of them. Question is will you be remembered 30 years from now? Career, life, family and everything moves on but we always remember how people made us feel

Once you’ve recognized that there is a problem at hand, you need to figure out a way to eradicate the problem by the roots. I don’t know where or how to begin and honestly if it would make a difference but I will have to make an attempt. It feels like broken glass can’t be pieced back together but to know that I’m no different from the very people I wanted to differ from makes me want to try harder. Giving up on people is easy (and that’s the convenient route I’ve been taking) but the challenge lies in trying to set things right even when you want to walk out. I’ve been saying that school and college friends know me well and they are all the friends I need, but is that an excuse? I guess not.

In the end, we all want to be happy doing what we love with the people who matter to us and being there for the people who mean everything to us. Is that so hard? It actually is when you aren’t sure of what you’re doing AND you don’t know anybody anymore!

Along happier lines, MaPaDi were here over the weekend since Di’s done with her final exams (and I wasn’t really making any headway with my internals preparation). We did a short trip to Jog falls and it was good. It is also likely that the highlight of 2016 will be in the month of May. I can’t say much until it’s all finalized but I’m super excited to be traveling again!

Movie Marathon:

1. Deadpool (Profanity Fest! A witty and sarcastic take on a superhero movie instead of the usual glorification)
2. Scent Of A Woman (a 90s classic, Al Pacino plays a blind man out to fulfil a few of his last desires and to help him in his quest is a young boy with troubles of his own)
3. Flipped (Probably one of the cutest movies I’ve ever watched in the most non cheesy way because the protagonists are still kids. It also makes you think because there is a lot of truth in what’s said…)

I’ve been cycling lately (thanks to VP’s cycle and Liki managing to get it to campus) with Abhi and BP and it’s a lot of fun! :)

On the academic front, last week was my disastrous Ophthalmology seminar and I clearly didn’t put enough time or effort into it and hence suffered the consequences for the same in front of my 90 classmates. ENT postings are coming to an end and not a day passes without the juniors piping up with the answers whether it’s related to Pharmacology or Anatomy. The good thing is that in spite of the shortage of cases in this season, Lohith Sir explains every case and tries to give us an orientation about ENT.

Toodles :)

Forbidden Fruit.

Why do we seek what shall remain elusive?
Why, Oh why do we look for what shall remain evasive?
Deep down the answer is crystal clear,
Yet we ignore it and yield to the fear.

There is beauty in what is forbidden,
There is curiosity towards what is hidden,
We seek, we search in an endless pursuit,
In vain, do we covet the forbidden fruit.

One day, it will dawn that the oasis was only ever a mirage,
That the island in the ocean was only a trick of the mind,
But till that day arrives, dream I shall
Of castles in the air that are doomed to fall.

Maybe it's a wound that I no longer feel,
Or maybe it's a scar that refuses to heal.
But I've begun to find happiness in a lie,
Than feel the pain of the truth I'd rather deny.

When Newton was wrong.

When Newton was wrong.

This may seem cliché but I’d still like to say it. Every high school student worth his salt would know the 3 Newtonian Laws of Motion and if you were wacked enough (like mee) to apply it to everyday life then you’d disagree with them.

My pet peeve is the 3rd Law which proclaims that every action would have an equal and opposite reaction. Now, I’d just like to say that if you stopped reacting to everything (and that IS possible as I’ve recently discovered) you would be in a lot more peaceful state of mind. Of course it ain’t easy to hold back what’s at the tip of your tongue but believe me, there is an odd sense of satisfaction in knowing that the less said, the better.

Highlights of the past month include:

• Two trips to Bangalore in a span of 15 days. Spent time with Di watching Pingu and Frozen, making cards for amma and generally chatting about the problems in Rekha Chopra ma'am's class.  

• Attended Nammu’s sister’s marriage (My first experience at a North Indian wedding. Mind=blown.) They make the South Indian weddings seem like a really serious affair because there was so much music and dance everywhere not to mention food for the hungry souls. So BP and I attended the Sangeet and everything from the bright and colourful sets, dance numbers by all the family members from the tiny tots to the aunty uncle to the variety of cuisines was great. I realized I haven’t been to a wedding in ages! Can’t wait to have some wedding in the family so we can get involved in all the excitement. I also kind of realized that SO MUCH work goes into the big day that it’s actually scary and weird thinking of it.  

• Road trip scenes on gaadis for the first time this year on the Gajanur-Sakrebailuru route. Managed to get gaadi from the local Frog, soon others procured gaadis and we were off on a long ride. Being in the hostel, getting to go out of the city is a lovely feeling. These days, the PG classes are twice or thrice a week so we haven’t been out much. This was one beautiful evening. 

• Went to Hassan, met Sanjana, spent time around the campus and came back in a day. Informed MaPa on the way back. Pa: “You managed it on your own. Nice!”

• Ophthalmology postings have concluded and we have now commenced with Otorhinolaryngology postings (ENT)
• Finally convinced the muscles of my body to work it together and cleaned the pile of rubbish in my room to make it habitable. Now I don’t have visitors standing at the doorway wary to step inside the clutter bin. Oh well, they say a creative mind has chaos. I just have chaos inside as well as outside.
• Watched several good movies lately including:
• Sound of Music: Watched it on the train, enjoyed it. Made an old man’s day by giving him the movie since he got really excited when he saw what I was watching. He was rattling away the name of the actress and other movies of hers while I nodded absently. Who’d know that a 60 plus man from Bhadravathi would be so fond of the movie that he’d be willing to delete everything on his phone just for that movie!
• Dead Poet’s Society: Another beautiful movie with an unexpected twist in the end. Robin Williams plays an English teacher and inspires his students with his out of the box approach.
• To Sir, With Love: Yes, I’ve been watching some classics. :)
• Finally finished all the episodes of all the seasons of Modern Family! I can’t quite explain my addiction for this serial actually. Maybe it’s Phil Dunphy!
• There’s so much I have to do all I do is sleep or watch random stuff on the laptop
• I don’t belong here. AT ALL. I don’t belong anywhere. I feel “homeless” in a psychological way that I can’t explain. Do you know that feeling where you just do not feel at all? (yes, I know that didn’t sound right) But what I mean is have you ever not felt anything? Just empty and hollow when you’re actually supposed to feel angry or sad? These days I’m just like “chuck it, I can’t change what people think!” I mean, maybe you do owe an explanation to people who matter. But that number is thinning by the day and I’m strangely okay with it. 
• Why do we have the tendency to repeat the mistakes we’ve done? We know what’ll hurt us and yet we foolishly dig our own graves in some false delusion. If it’s about people, have the least expectations. If it’s about you, expect more from yourself. Always.
• Musicophilia:
• Kheench Meri Photo (there's something addictive) 
• Manma (don't judge me) 
• GF BF (Have you ever heard a song somewhere and struggled to remember it until you finally hear it again?!) 
• Love Yourself- Justin Beiber 
• Haminastu
• I'm friends with the monster- Rihanna 
• I need a vacation. ASAP
• THIS HEAT IS KILLING ME

The Drifter

There has been a lot going on lately but I believe I'm merely floating through it all and it's only coffee that can get me back to my senses.

In a placid lake that led to the stream
Floating along like a midsummer’s dream
Guided by the forces of another,
With not the least care or bother,
The solitary log drifted by
With no ‘what’ or ‘why’.

If only it had a destination in sight,
Would it have known the happiness of reaching it right.
But alas, the comfort of sailing along the current,
Meant there was nothing to do to a large extent!
With time, the trees blossomed and the sky sang in harmony

But what would you know about joy if you’ve never known agony?

The rivers cascaded in gay abandon and the Sun and was over the hill,
But what would you know if you never knew winter’s chill?

Constance had extinguished the little pleasures,
Life is nothing if you’ve got nothing that you treasure.
If you choose to sail against the fearsome tide,
You’d have the experience of your life even if you died.