Retrospective Study.

Sometimes, the smallest things take up the largest place in our heart. –Quote along similar lines by Winnie the Pooh.

Truth is bitter and there is nothing more disagreeable than hearing it from the very people who you thought would defend you. When your worst fears are confirmed by the one you trust the most, you really don’t know yourself anymore. I am not who I was, I don’t like who I am but I can’t seem to understand when did I even change. It’s like cancer, growing within you insidiously, destroying you surreptitiously from the inside until one day you wake up to see that you’re no longer who you were. The question is, how much has this cancer progressed? Can I really get back to who I was? My problem is why do I believe so much in the goodness of “who I was”? Maybe I’ve had the flawed gene for a long time now…

Dad studied in Suratkal for 5 years and he describes his hostel life as one of the experiences that taught him a lot about life. One of the reasons (other than the gaadi) for his reluctance on me shifting out of campus was his belief that staying in would teach me a thing or two about people skills and also give me a lot of memories of hostel life. It’s been over 30 years and he still has a connection with some of them. Question is will you be remembered 30 years from now? Career, life, family and everything moves on but we always remember how people made us feel

Once you’ve recognized that there is a problem at hand, you need to figure out a way to eradicate the problem by the roots. I don’t know where or how to begin and honestly if it would make a difference but I will have to make an attempt. It feels like broken glass can’t be pieced back together but to know that I’m no different from the very people I wanted to differ from makes me want to try harder. Giving up on people is easy (and that’s the convenient route I’ve been taking) but the challenge lies in trying to set things right even when you want to walk out. I’ve been saying that school and college friends know me well and they are all the friends I need, but is that an excuse? I guess not.

In the end, we all want to be happy doing what we love with the people who matter to us and being there for the people who mean everything to us. Is that so hard? It actually is when you aren’t sure of what you’re doing AND you don’t know anybody anymore!

Along happier lines, MaPaDi were here over the weekend since Di’s done with her final exams (and I wasn’t really making any headway with my internals preparation). We did a short trip to Jog falls and it was good. It is also likely that the highlight of 2016 will be in the month of May. I can’t say much until it’s all finalized but I’m super excited to be traveling again!

Movie Marathon:

1. Deadpool (Profanity Fest! A witty and sarcastic take on a superhero movie instead of the usual glorification)
2. Scent Of A Woman (a 90s classic, Al Pacino plays a blind man out to fulfil a few of his last desires and to help him in his quest is a young boy with troubles of his own)
3. Flipped (Probably one of the cutest movies I’ve ever watched in the most non cheesy way because the protagonists are still kids. It also makes you think because there is a lot of truth in what’s said…)

I’ve been cycling lately (thanks to VP’s cycle and Liki managing to get it to campus) with Abhi and BP and it’s a lot of fun! :)

On the academic front, last week was my disastrous Ophthalmology seminar and I clearly didn’t put enough time or effort into it and hence suffered the consequences for the same in front of my 90 classmates. ENT postings are coming to an end and not a day passes without the juniors piping up with the answers whether it’s related to Pharmacology or Anatomy. The good thing is that in spite of the shortage of cases in this season, Lohith Sir explains every case and tries to give us an orientation about ENT.

Toodles :)

Forbidden Fruit.

Why do we seek what shall remain elusive?
Why, Oh why do we look for what shall remain evasive?
Deep down the answer is crystal clear,
Yet we ignore it and yield to the fear.

There is beauty in what is forbidden,
There is curiosity towards what is hidden,
We seek, we search in an endless pursuit,
In vain, do we covet the forbidden fruit.

One day, it will dawn that the oasis was only ever a mirage,
That the island in the ocean was only a trick of the mind,
But till that day arrives, dream I shall
Of castles in the air that are doomed to fall.

Maybe it's a wound that I no longer feel,
Or maybe it's a scar that refuses to heal.
But I've begun to find happiness in a lie,
Than feel the pain of the truth I'd rather deny.

When Newton was wrong.

When Newton was wrong.

This may seem cliché but I’d still like to say it. Every high school student worth his salt would know the 3 Newtonian Laws of Motion and if you were wacked enough (like mee) to apply it to everyday life then you’d disagree with them.

My pet peeve is the 3rd Law which proclaims that every action would have an equal and opposite reaction. Now, I’d just like to say that if you stopped reacting to everything (and that IS possible as I’ve recently discovered) you would be in a lot more peaceful state of mind. Of course it ain’t easy to hold back what’s at the tip of your tongue but believe me, there is an odd sense of satisfaction in knowing that the less said, the better.

Highlights of the past month include:

• Two trips to Bangalore in a span of 15 days. Spent time with Di watching Pingu and Frozen, making cards for amma and generally chatting about the problems in Rekha Chopra ma'am's class.  

• Attended Nammu’s sister’s marriage (My first experience at a North Indian wedding. Mind=blown.) They make the South Indian weddings seem like a really serious affair because there was so much music and dance everywhere not to mention food for the hungry souls. So BP and I attended the Sangeet and everything from the bright and colourful sets, dance numbers by all the family members from the tiny tots to the aunty uncle to the variety of cuisines was great. I realized I haven’t been to a wedding in ages! Can’t wait to have some wedding in the family so we can get involved in all the excitement. I also kind of realized that SO MUCH work goes into the big day that it’s actually scary and weird thinking of it.  

• Road trip scenes on gaadis for the first time this year on the Gajanur-Sakrebailuru route. Managed to get gaadi from the local Frog, soon others procured gaadis and we were off on a long ride. Being in the hostel, getting to go out of the city is a lovely feeling. These days, the PG classes are twice or thrice a week so we haven’t been out much. This was one beautiful evening. 

• Went to Hassan, met Sanjana, spent time around the campus and came back in a day. Informed MaPa on the way back. Pa: “You managed it on your own. Nice!”

• Ophthalmology postings have concluded and we have now commenced with Otorhinolaryngology postings (ENT)
• Finally convinced the muscles of my body to work it together and cleaned the pile of rubbish in my room to make it habitable. Now I don’t have visitors standing at the doorway wary to step inside the clutter bin. Oh well, they say a creative mind has chaos. I just have chaos inside as well as outside.
• Watched several good movies lately including:
• Sound of Music: Watched it on the train, enjoyed it. Made an old man’s day by giving him the movie since he got really excited when he saw what I was watching. He was rattling away the name of the actress and other movies of hers while I nodded absently. Who’d know that a 60 plus man from Bhadravathi would be so fond of the movie that he’d be willing to delete everything on his phone just for that movie!
• Dead Poet’s Society: Another beautiful movie with an unexpected twist in the end. Robin Williams plays an English teacher and inspires his students with his out of the box approach.
• To Sir, With Love: Yes, I’ve been watching some classics. :)
• Finally finished all the episodes of all the seasons of Modern Family! I can’t quite explain my addiction for this serial actually. Maybe it’s Phil Dunphy!
• There’s so much I have to do all I do is sleep or watch random stuff on the laptop
• I don’t belong here. AT ALL. I don’t belong anywhere. I feel “homeless” in a psychological way that I can’t explain. Do you know that feeling where you just do not feel at all? (yes, I know that didn’t sound right) But what I mean is have you ever not felt anything? Just empty and hollow when you’re actually supposed to feel angry or sad? These days I’m just like “chuck it, I can’t change what people think!” I mean, maybe you do owe an explanation to people who matter. But that number is thinning by the day and I’m strangely okay with it. 
• Why do we have the tendency to repeat the mistakes we’ve done? We know what’ll hurt us and yet we foolishly dig our own graves in some false delusion. If it’s about people, have the least expectations. If it’s about you, expect more from yourself. Always.
• Musicophilia:
• Kheench Meri Photo (there's something addictive) 
• Manma (don't judge me) 
• GF BF (Have you ever heard a song somewhere and struggled to remember it until you finally hear it again?!) 
• Love Yourself- Justin Beiber 
• Haminastu
• I'm friends with the monster- Rihanna 
• I need a vacation. ASAP
• THIS HEAT IS KILLING ME

The Drifter

There has been a lot going on lately but I believe I'm merely floating through it all and it's only coffee that can get me back to my senses.

In a placid lake that led to the stream
Floating along like a midsummer’s dream
Guided by the forces of another,
With not the least care or bother,
The solitary log drifted by
With no ‘what’ or ‘why’.

If only it had a destination in sight,
Would it have known the happiness of reaching it right.
But alas, the comfort of sailing along the current,
Meant there was nothing to do to a large extent!
With time, the trees blossomed and the sky sang in harmony

But what would you know about joy if you’ve never known agony?

The rivers cascaded in gay abandon and the Sun and was over the hill,
But what would you know if you never knew winter’s chill?

Constance had extinguished the little pleasures,
Life is nothing if you’ve got nothing that you treasure.
If you choose to sail against the fearsome tide,
You’d have the experience of your life even if you died.

Fables of February.

No event is complete without being chronicled in the vestiges of my blog so here goes!

It all began with the sports day where we were once again divided into 4 groups with ludicrous names just like last year (Ancilers: fondly known as Ant hills, alzhiemers and silencers, Spartans, Phoenix and Nighthawks Reloaded) and two events were scheduled per day. There were two days in the stadium and day 1 was fairly interesting because I wasn’t with the people I usually hang out with but I think I managed fairly well. First half was with Jeslin and Shaheen :) Second half was with Govi and Avm and the best part was zooming around solo on a gaadi, playing baddie and yes, hogging! I won a badminton match, lost a chess match so it was all square at the end of the day. Day 2 was Baddie Day and I was expecting the inevitable but Lady Luck smiled upon me in my third attempt. The best part was not the end but every time anyone said anything supportive! Just like the team supporting me even though the truth was inevitable last year, I never expected people would do so, but it really boosts your morale by a million points (Even if it’s just short-lived). The whole team spirit thing is actually great to some extent but when clashes occur, it can get ugly as was witnessed on several occasions.

And after all this was the customary Ethnic Day where all we did was smile and pose for pictures which would eventually lose their value. We did have a few games in the afternoon and post this we rushed to the PG classes after which I still had some work to do regarding the Antakshari.


So the culturals was on 13th and 14th. On 13th we had the Quiz (we came 2nd! :D 3rd time in a row -_- Will I ever be 1st?!, Pot Pourri and a few other events. Although I had boldly signed up for a lot of random events, preparing the much awaited Antakashari with a scheming frog was taking up a lot my time! The fact that the frog in question raids phones, laptops and watches censored Dubsmash videos led to a lot of confusion and probably gave free entertainment to anyone watching the E-Library CCTV footage. So the 3 (Maniesh, me and Rajesh-the fat frog) worked on it until we had all the rounds set and we would at least not get cornered by the contestants themselves! (Given that we were dreading a certain contestant’s prowess in Bollywood).

 Day 2 was hectic because I decided I would indeed go on stage and willingly make a fool of myself by participating in non-filmy singing (incidentally I came 3rd among the few participants present), my laptop was discovered to lack the port for the cable for projecting on a screen (VGA Something) and I was foolish enough to audition for anchoring, get selected and then get embroiled in a confusion I still don’t understand. After some last moment panic attacks, the presentation and videos played on screen and the antakshari went fairly well (obviously thanks to my superior anchoring skills). We had a round where the audience had to guess the movie starring a rare Jodi and sing a song from the same, another where we played the audio of a song and the video of another song with similar traits (Such as Dhola Re and Pinga) and the team had to answer a question on either the audio or video, another on the music directors and director combinations in Bollywood and so on.

After a day’s break where the air was finally cleared on all the anchoring business, there was more work to do! I borrowed Vindhya’s gaadi (probably one of the 3 mistakes of 4th year) and Shivam (Junior) and I set off on a long ride; first to McGann (to invite the IMA President Dr. Shivayogi, then to Vinobhanagar: Kundur’s place for my saree (which we reached after a lot of chasing the wrong people on the wrong road scenes- It’s pretty far btw which made me realize, greater the distance from Subbaiah, lesser the bullshit you deal with maybe), then to Subbaiah hospital in Jail Road, Maxx multispeciality Hospital and finally to Manasa Psychiatric Hospital (to invite Dr. Rajni Pai). After some more gaadi related confusion, we finally had everything in place and set to work but it was no easy job. I realized I was anchoring not just with any ordinary frog but with a hyperactive, devious minded, multitalented yet ultra-lazy bullfrog. D-Day arrived and we were still not done with the speech by noon. We were finally done with it by 2PM and I rushed to the mess if there was anything edible left. I was offered Channa if I could walk through a huge tub of chicken and take it. Hungry and famished, at the site of a huge tub of raw chicken, something snapped inside me and I started yelling like an idiot until I was pacified with edible non-animal food and I quietly had what was given. Ugh! The horrors of hostel -_- After this, I was in frenzy because nothing was turning out as planned and I backtracked on my prior plans on second thoughts and that left me in a confounded state. Evening arrived; chief guests arrived well in advance while the VIP Subbaiah student crowd took its own time. It finally began, and it went fairly well (except for the frog croaking “20k16” in the end! xD) After this the cultural programs began and they improved by a degree compared to the previous year. Post programs and dinner was the customary Dj night that went on till the wee hours of the morning. 17th was a well-deserved holiday because most people couldn’t scramble out of their beds until the afternoon.

And yes, it’s all finally over! We’re probably done with all the excitement and drama for the year. As creepy as it sounds, I enjoyed most of it, even though it was tiring, led to conflicts, was a lot of responsibility and there weren’t only victories.. Win or lose, I enjoyed every moment in the journey.. 

I did learn a few things. It’s amazing how people are multitalented, be it sports, dance or music. It takes leadership skills to get a team to do well and it requires a LOT of patience to coordinate events like these. I also realized how multifaceted people are.. 
Everyone’s universe seems so much bigger in contrast to yours that you might just be a speck of dust.. 

Simultanagnosia

So I was reading up on a few new things and I came across this word:

Simultanagnosia

Technically it means “missing the forest for the trees”. Person fails to comprehend an object as a whole and can only perceive only parts of it. A person might look at a table lamp but fail to recognize it for what it is. He or she sees the base of the lamp and assumes it to be something else, like a box or an ashtray. Isn’t that what happens to us sometimes? We get so caught up in little things that we fail to move on to see the bigger picture. What I mean is, don’t let bogged down by petty things, there’s a lot more waiting for you if you change the way you see things. Don’t narrow your vision to just the bare minimum, think of what lies ahead and stay motivated. Sometimes, Life requires us to focus on the finer details but sometimes you need to have a bird’s eye view of the big picture.

Childhood is synonymous with playing outdoors and cuts, bruises and scars and perhaps the trophies of a childhood well spent. I’ve got scars on my knees that’ll last a lifetime thanks to rolling down a road while being chased by dogs and during cycle rides. I remember the one over the knee took awfully long to heal and formed a thick brown scab that I prematurely peeled off until the process had to be repeated. Why am I describing an ugly scar that occurred more than a decade ago? My point is, wounds need time to heal and it’s not something you can rush through. Imagine if I had put a plaster over and continued cycling like the wound didn’t exist? Sure, it wouldn’t look messy initially but eventually the wound would just get worse and take longer to heal. Sometimes it’s important to acknowledge a wound and take steps to treat it. Ignorance IS NOT always bliss in such cases!

People will walk in and out of your life according to their will and wish unless you stand guard and latch the doors. Beware of intruders and don’t be surprised if insiders chose to decamp without notice. Yet, remember that there is always a silver lining. Just when you’re at your wit’s end, Life will surprise you with something that will brighten you up in spite of the thunderstorm. Remember to be thankful for those moments of happiness in the middle of uncertainty, for those people who share their umbrella in the rain and for most of all, remember to believe. Just believe, in yourself, your dreams and your principles.

Literary Ventures:

Eleventh Commandment: Jeffrey Archer
Vision in White: Nora Roberts
The Secret Countess: Eva Ibbotson
Anna Karenina: Tolstoy
Animal Farm: George Orwell
Hitchhiker's Guide: Douglas Adams
Contact: Carl Sagan

Musicophilia:

Sanam Re: Arijit Singh
Pyaasi: Swarathma
Aayat: Arijit Singh
Same Old Love: Selena Gomez

SFCBR: (Early blog readers, you may be familiar with this term)

On a positive note, it is indeed great *giggle* to get back in touch with old, long lost friend and realise that some people don’t change. It’s actually mind blowing to think that though it’s been 13 long years, good people remain inherently the same as they were. Indeed, a pleasant surprise :D It’s also refreshing to see so much positivity and faith in your abilities :’) I also reconnected with Punyakoti after a long time.

Auf Wiedershen (Germanic influence lol)

The Fire That Lasted.

He crept out of the house stealthily and walked through the shadows. An owl hooted in the distance and leaves rustled with the wind.  He looked over his shoulder uneasily but continued pacing briskly through the lanes that broadened as he walked further. A shiver ran down his spine as he imagined the consequences if he were caught and tightened the shawl around his face so that he wouldn’t be recognized in the faint glimmer of moonlight that peeped through the trees.

He was well aware of the risks of this nocturnal expedition but he had to visit her. Logic and reason could not convince him to postpone the rendezvous because the heart overruled. As he entered the older part of the town, the houses bore a resemblance and shared the common traits of peeling paint and a worn out façade. Praying for luck, he gently pried open the gates and walked towards the window on the side. He gently tapped on the window and hoped to God that she was still in that room.

After what seemed like forever (but in reality was about a minute), a hesitant tap answered his call. Slowly, she opened the window and nervously appeared before him. Several moments passed in silence. Her face registered the beard and unkempt appearance he had acquired in a fortnight, his face absorbed the pearly glow in her face, the worry and anguish in her eyes and the happiness in her smile. In those precious moments, it seemed like they were united as a single entity and not divided by the chains of religion that had threatened to tear apart their love.

Their stolen moments of unity were numbered as rustling sounds in the vicinity indicated that they were not alone. The noises grew closer and louder yet he did not retreat. Fear burned them from within but the contentment of being in each other’s arms was immeasurable. If this was the end, then so be it. If this was a new beginning, there were safe. As their eyes met, fear was vanquished by the fire within their souls that yearned for togetherness. The warmth in the room had turned into a smoldering inferno but to them, it made no difference. The walls crumbled to dust from the fire, and the thatched roof began to collapse under the heat but they embraced the fire like an old man meeting his Maker after a fruitful life. As the flames curled devilishly close to them, they knew that their wish had been fulfilled.

***************************

The morning brought forth a stream of onlookers and none dared to enter the building that had burned like an inferno in the middle of the night. The conspirators were free to roam the streets for there was no proof to incriminate them and after all, the deed was done. When the concerned officials ventured into the crumbling building to see what remained, what they saw haunted them for the rest of their lives. There they were, entwined as one, without a scratch on their bodies and their faces shone with the radiance of a love so great that the mere embers and flames could not douse the fire that burned within them. Nothing could explain the mystery and none delved deeper into matters which made the locals cringe for each knew that they were responsible in some way. It may seem that it was only in death that they were unified but in reality, tormented by religion, outcast by society and shunned by family, they had finally found new meaning in the arms of the beloved. 

January Jitters

It’s been so long since I’ve blogged that I’m not even sure I can make sense anymore. So here I am, back in Shimoga, starting off with 3rd year and having a whole new set of goals and (un)realistic expectations.

The past two months have been hectic, gruelling, sleepless and insane. What with confusion over which book to read for Pathology, trying to remember all the bacteria, accept that sexual harassment begins with parasites, cook up side effects for drugs and invent definitions for Forensic terminologies, it has been a mammoth marathon study session in the past two months.

What is also interesting is how each of us coped with the stress. Some turned into grouchy gits, some withdrew into their cocoon, some others resorted to music to shut out the world while a meagre percentage (which deserves a standing ovation) remained themselves and did not show the signs of psychosis.

So there were many things noteworthy since my last blog:

• Di and I had a good time after a really long time. I hadn’t been making time for her so these holidays I tried to make up for it but we still haven’t gotten past the accusation of “Akka, why are you always on Whatsapp?!” She’s smarter than we give her credit for and her thought process reminds me of the time when I too had such a pure and unadulterated mind. She’s a lot more practical while I was the dreamier kind. (I don’t think that has really changed though)

• Meeting up with a few friends (Pinki, Raksha, Sahana, Sindhura, Sanjana, Anjali, Medha, Akshata). It was good catching up with old folks but it also served as a good example of how we’re all constantly evolving in different ways so we can no longer expect to find the same common factors. Ideas evolve, priorities change, and so you can’t really expect that nothing changes. It also serves as an indicator of how people have grown in their respective fields since we all began on separate paths. There were many I couldn’t meet though I really wanted to thanks to the frugal holiday schedule of our college. (Sanjana, Anusha, Mani, V3, Preethi)

• There were also short trips with the family: 
• Pyramid Valley Meditation Centre on Kanakpura Road 
•  Club Cabana with the entire family which turned out to be a lot of fun :) 
• JLR Bandipur and Shukavana in Mysore

Bangalore seems so much more fast paced than when I moved out. Or else it’s just that I’ve become laidback even though I walk around like I’m not. 

•  I ran into Dale and the ENTIRE Deeksha gang at Vinny’s when I was at Green Trends. Nothing could get more awkward than the obvious silence. I have never wanted to use an Invisibility Cloak more. The creepiest bit was one of his crew mates saying “….. Bandipur….” Out of the blue!

•  I’ve restarted working out and I’ve even got a few apps that monitor the calorie counter, step count and all that techno jazz but let’s just hope I’m consistent. (Am I not hopelessly optimistic?)

•  So Abhi had this sudden idea that did not seem plausible initially but when I actually googled it, turns it has great potential. Basically, the bacteria on your phone are unique and share many OUT (Operational Taxonomical Units) commonly with the bacteria from your thumb and index finger which you use for texting. The idea is that every individual has a personal microbiome and this can actually be used in identification (something like a bacterial fingerprint)..

• I’m suffering from PEDD (Post Exam Depressive Disorder) even though I walk around like that’s a fake thing but believe me, it can happen to anyone. Symptoms include lack of enthusiasm in the proceedings of the class and surroundings and the persistent question popping up in mind “What am I really doing in life?”

Relationships with people have been rocky but maybe it has shown me more of who I am and maybe that’s why I’m so disturbed. Ego is a horrible thing that can ruin any relationship so just “throw it out of the window”.

Maybe (actually, definitely) this whole mood swing has got to do with an identity crisis. What am I turning out to be? When we were young, life was all about the next game, new friends, reading novels and there was never any real pressure to perform. As we grow older, responsibilities begin to creep and most of adulthood is probably all about how well we accept these responsibilities. Knowing that responsibilities are a part of life, accepting them with grace and still having the spring in your step, lilt in your voice and sparkle in your eyes would define a successful adult.

Losing enthusiasm is probably the worst thing ever. Your emotional graph reaches a plateau and barely oscillates northwards. We need the variations, that what makes life interesting.

Or maybe (just maaaybe) I’m suffering from PHRS (Post Haircut Regret Syndrome) which will abate in due course.

Seeya!

True Colours.

Who cares if now isn't the right time, people never decide when is the right time to hurt you, do they? 

Being nice is never a good choice because no one gets hurt more than yourself. And sometimes the one whom you would take the bullet for ends up being the one pulling the trigger on you. 

I'm starting to think that true friendships are a myth here. If not for the lifelines that I have back home and scattered across the state, I have no idea how I would survive this dreadful nightmare. Adi and Pinki, you guys are there when it matters. :') That voice that tells you that it's going to be okay is all you need sometimes.

The choices you make reflect who you are, your words may deceive but your choices reveal the true colors that you try to hide. 

At the end of the day, it all reflects your upbringing. Pity that some fail to impart basic values to their offspring. Wealth and knowledge have no use without certain basic principles. 

The lack of a solid argument and the lack of a good vocabulary (or basic English skills) is what makes people use profanity. It may intimidate but it really shows that there's probably just dried dung inside that cranium.

Sometimes it's important to take a step back and re-evaluate if people actually deserve to be in your life. Because if they do, they need to stand up for you when the occasion arises, damn it. If they don't, then you can kick em' out and live happily with those who do care for you.

I give my 100% and I have every right to expect the same.

Let's just say a 1000 odd days until I get out of this hellhole!

Book Brinjal

(Pusthakada Badenekai)
^That's exactly what I feel I'm turning into what with our exams approaching in less than a month. 
Internals are finally over but that means nothing because the big one is lurking round the corner. Honestly have no idea what I'm upto! :/

Cya in 2016 maybe?