Some Anhedonia Please

Hunger, hormones and hummings of the mind probably keeping me awake in no specific order of importance.

I honestly love the vibe of Bangalore. Everytime I go back, it fills me with this zest and passion for life. To never give up, to keep trying to better myself and to aspire higher. It just gets so much harder to hold on to all that once you begin to face the sordid reality here.

I wish that 'feeling' would never dim within me. Its almost like going to Bengaluru is recharging my batteries. 

MaPaDi are the same as always. I do wish I could be spending these years with them. We would go walking everyday, I might have atleast learnt some cooking, Di and I could study together; she'd teach me photosynthesis and I would tell her all about how her body works maybe. I could have played Baddie with Pa, fought with him regularly over my Bindi, make some punny jokes too. We would have gone out over the weekends, meet Atthe Mama Nidhi more often and I could bully Ajji to walk more. Maybe it would have been nice. I'd never know. :)

Yeah, so I'd been to Bangalore over the past week for my cousin's wedding and I can't believe how busy life gets when I'm there. I mean that is there here as well, but somehow its not the same thing.

I miss the unpredictable rains of Bangalore, the chaotic traffic, the calls of 'Soppu' early in the morning, the scent of Amma's Chitranna wafting across the room, the familiar sight of Appa reading the newspaper while Amma grumbles that she does all the work, causing him to fold up the paper and pretend to rush to office. I miss how messy our house is to any outsider but to me, it feels just fine; in fact quite comfortable. I miss the tree lined neighborhoods with all the gossipy fat aunties, the park near my house where I made many a friends and tried climbing those Bs and Cs. I miss Divya and her antics, putting her to sleep narrating those stories that always begin 'Ond Hudgi Idlanthe.. Hesarenu gotta?' And sometimes end with me talking things in my subconsious until Di complains that I'm not making any sense or sometimes it ends with both of us drifting off to dreamland with an unfinished story of a little girl with a big sister..

I don't say this often but it was a really nice wedding especially since the bride and groom had overcome obstacles in their respective lives and were now ready for a new chapter.

When Junior gets all dressed up and is ready for a picture. :D

So Nidhi Di and I met up at Brik Oven for a late Lunch in the past week and I must say it is worth that twenty minute wait just to get into this rather small pizzeria that also serves the most almighty Nutella Freak Shakes!! The pizzas pretty much melt in your mouth leaving you craving from more. This just makes me wonder, how heavenly would Pizza taste in Naples, the Pizza Capital of the World? (YES, I have a thing for capitalization.) Pretty awkward that my younger sister treats me on getting into an amazing job at Ernst and Young while I'm an unemployed student but I guess that's how it is, for now.

MaPaDi had a walk at Emmen Park and then headed to our fav eatery, Pai Viceroy before Pa dropped me off at the station amidst another downpour.

As we waited for the 11pm Talguppa Express, I asked Pa about his time at NITK, did he travel home often, did his dad also pick him up at the station just like he always does for me and so on. I realized there are so many stories that I want to know about Amma and Appa. Like the time he played a cat in a school play or the time Amma nearly got caught plucking fruits from the neighborhood, or their times in college, their friends and so on. I mean there's so much I don't know..

My old friends, Cough and Cold are back in town and since I'm always the gracious host, I seem to have given them shelter but notice has been served and they shall be duely evicted.

Surgery postings came to an end after a joint effort of sorts end posting test. We 'presented' the findings of an ulcer case to Aarthi ma'am and that was about it.

Currently posted in Paediatrics for the next month and this would be our final posting. Hence, I've got to start reading soon (also because Sir knows my name. Thus making me a potential target for bombardment with question missiles that cannot be dodged by avoiding eye contact or skillful scribbling into the notebook).

I've probably regained my status as a pizza addict. Be it good old Domi Doesn't Know, Brik Oven or even a localite who can make pizas for brunch;

I think food is my Achilles heel. -_- 

This reminds me, I NEED to restart jogging and exercise. Especially with the Delhi trip coming up. XD

Anyhoo that book of which I am also a part has finally released and I urge you all to get a copy  ( at a discount). The proceeds from the book will go to an NGO so its for a good cause as well. 

Good things will eventually happen. Patience never goes unrewarded. Until then, remember everything that you truly believe in.

So that's all for now folks!

There may be more but to be honest.. maybe this is all that matters. L

Oh and I almost forgot, I AM FINALLY DONE WATCHING 10 SEASONS OF FRIENDS FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE. 

Psychiatry Case Presentation Abstract

Diagnostician’s Dilemma: Convulsing from OCD to CPS!

Presenter: Ms. Jayashree S Rao, 4th year MBBS
Treating Team: Dr. K S Shubrata, Associate Professor, Dr. Narendra, Assistant Professor, Dr. Nagaraj A V, Consultant Neurologist

Mr M, a 30 year old single male, working as an employee in a government office, from an MSES, urban background, presented to us in January 2017 with an illness of 3 years duration. His illness was of insidious onset and episodic course, characterized by brief episodes of obsessive rumination lasting for less than 5 minutes, multiple times a day and decreased concentration in work because of these thoughts. He was also suffering from adjustment disorder, depressive type because of these unremitting episodes. He has taken multiple consultations with psychiatrists with failed trials of Sertraline 150mg and Fluoxetine 60mg. He has also taken five sessions of Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (Exposure Response and Prevention) but to no avail. Mental status examination revealed depressed affect and obsessive rumination of which the exact theme was not clear. Further clarification in history revealed that these episodes were actually a part of Complex Partial Seizures. Neurologist opinion was sought and the EEG revealed inferior frontal and temporal epileptiform discharges. He was started on carbamazepine with which the episodes showed complete remission.

This case stresses the importance of detailed history taking without biased mind and getting the right investigation as and when required.

C'Est La vie

Hey There (imaginary delilahs)

It’s been a while and I’m back with some illogical philosophies. But before I get down to that, here’s the usual update:

• Done with Oh Bhi Jee internals

So we had two papers of 3 hour duration each on the same day with an hour in between to feed our hungry souls and rest those aching hands. Nevertheless, I’m glad I’m done with it (atleast for now).

• Dilli Calling

Many years ago one foolish girl kept this college as one of the options while writing the NEET exams. Come this June, a big contingent will be heading to LHMC for their medical conference.

• Baarish

Rainy days are here again and no better place to enjoy monsoon than Malnad, the lap of nature. :)

• Movies:

1. Baahubali 2 (In Appa’s words, ‘bundle’:P )
2. Beauty And The Beast (Ah, Emma! )

On an unrelated note, there’s probably so much to myself that I’m discovering. My own likes, dislikes, desires and dreams. With age, you discover different facets to your personality. You begin to see some of the pieces of your own jigsaw ‘Unpuzzle’ itself.

 I’ve also been riddled with a doubt that most would dismiss as the heights of overthinking but I’d still like to get some answers which have so far been unsatisfactory..

Perhaps it is a very primitive thought but I’d like to know atleast now, after 22 years of existence! Does one generally react and then analyse the reason for their action or is it the other way round?

Say you are harbouring feelings of anger/jealousy/pity/love for a person and your behaviour towards that person is according to this. My doubt would be that which comes first? Are we all aware of the reason behind our behaviour or does it flash to us later as an epiphany? Would it be strange if I said that sometimes we are ignorant of our own feelings but we react instinctively? And when you put it all together you have a ‘Eureka’ moment?

Another recent thought that has been niggling at the back of my mind is how much of our beliefs are our own and how much of it has been handed down to us based on our upbringing? Do we have a rational explanation for our beliefs and choices or does it all boil down to ‘This is what I was told at home?’. It makes sense if one can justify these beliefs by their own conscious decisions but it is necessary to consider this. Else, we would just be blind followers with no basis. It may have got to do with the smallest of lifestyle practices to bigger life-altering choices, but my point is, it is important to ask ourselves these vital questions.

Chalo then people, If I have succeeded in making you ponder for a few moments, then I am glad for blogging this randomness. :)

When MaPa come visiting and we have the most amazing time :)

Because I find sleeping bovine animals cute.

Quirky and Quizzically yours...

Medicine Postings (it seemed)

The days passed in a flurry of case taking, OPD day and the occasional days where we didn’t do much and D-day arrived. End posti00ng is the trauma that we are subjected to at the end of every posting.

 Now you don’t have to call it trauma but in this particular instance, it would be safe to say that it was a case of ‘self-inflicted trauma’. Roll Numbers 33, 34 and 35 were allotted a case of anemia due to blood loss and after some lengthy discussion and ultimately choosing the ‘right’ (wrong?!) finger, the 3 of us presented our case to Indumathi Maám(!). Let it be known that I have not only established my masochistic tendency but also my seemingly sadistic personality by taking the hardest route out of End Postings. But in my defence, I had assumed that since the case had been presented to her before by our classmate, we would be able to manage it without much difficulty. Added to that was my Delusion (of Reference?!) that she probably favoured us and would therefore not be the hard task master that she always is.

As it happened, we were ‘fried/baked/boiled/roasted’ and served on a platter over the basics of Jugular Venous Pulse. Starting with the wave form to the explanation behind each wave to the reflexes associated to its significance…

Suffice to say that two of us (BV and I) returned to her the next day with the relevant answers and once again we received a volley of questions (Pulsus Bisferiens?! Pulse in Aortic Stenosis?!); which we couldn’t really deflect but it finally brought us to the end of the GM postings for this term.

I’m currently in Surgery Postings where things are a bit lowkey. However we did see a case of hernia and also a fibroadenoma along with its surgery by none other than Dr Arathi maám. We’ve got series of internals coming up in the next month so gear up for caffeine intoxicated late night posts about life, love, lungs, liver and maybe some laughter. (HOPEFULLY THAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN)

Next up would be the special mention of Simbiosis 2K17.

Govi and I were a team and without much preparation (and some serious tummy troubles), I thought it wouldn’t be a bad idea to try our luck. The Prelims were tougher than we expected and we didn’t have high hopes but given how there weren’t too many teams, it would have been a shame if we hadn’t qualified. We recollected most of the questions (something I almost Never do!) and after some tense moments of waiting, panicking and regretting, I got the much awaited call from an unknown number.

The final; to be brief, was interesting and lead to a tie between the two teams from our college. After two failed attempts at breaking the tie, the other team (Ft. Harikrishna and Giri anna) were the winners based on their prelim scores.

Nevertheless, it was a good moment, reminiscent of the past and gave hope for more such possibilities.

Surgery postings in the past week was mostly spend in Nog’s chamber apart from the one day where we’d been to the OT and we got to see an Umbilical Hernia and a case of Indirect Inguinal Hernia (which was later found to be a sliding hernia) being operated upon by (my fav) Arathi maám, Suresh Sir (quite the contrary of how he is in the OPD) and Gopinath Sir.

Post that, I wrecked my brains out over some brainy matters. Yep, Abhi and I were preparing for the State level Psychiatry quiz organized by the Karnataka Chapter of the Indian Psychiatric Society and it turned out to be quite interesting. Especially when we attributed each personality disorder with different people around us* (some were a complete match while some only exhibited a few traits, but nevertheless, it was good fun reading on some of the crazy stuff  (some of it did come in the final quiz and we were inappropriately excited upon being asked about a culture specific sexual delusional disorder :’) )

We travelled to C’durga via Govt bus after a bumpy journey filled with creepy men at whom I threw angry murderous looks because they dared to stare at my dozing dosth and all other annoying patterns of the Y chromosome. After my mostfavouritebutneverevermadeinthemess breakfast of Pongii and some last minute ‘revision’, the program began and Abhi and I gazed at the CUTESTPERSONONTHEWHOLEOFPLANETEARTH to our heart’s content. The prelims were designed to eliminate people by paucity of time but we tried our best to keep up with the speed of the questionnaire. There were a lot of familiar questions just as there were many which we had no inkling of. After a long wait, (filled only partially by food and mostly by tension, some hope and basic panic), the results were announced and we had made it in the 4th position.

The finals began with BMC, AIMS, SDM, SIMS, JSS and MVJ as the finalists. We had four rounds and the first round was about the sub specialities of Psychiatry while the second one was about Clinical Scenarios conducted by the Prof from BMC. The third round was conducted by a PG from JSS and it was basically an audio visual buzzer round about famous movies, books and personalities associated with mental illness.

We managed to further our lead to a very safe position in this round which was a good idea because the next round was the dreaded rapid fire. So after facing the heat of rapid fire, we remained unscathed and managed to win the first place. :)

It was indeed a great moment and I’m so glad we did this. Somehow, sometimes, things fall in place when you least expect it. Nevertheless, after 3 years of attending quizzes, conferences and MUNs like an enthu cutlet, it felt really good to not come back empty handed. It also kindasortamebi felt good to hear words of appreciation and encouragement from frinz and famili.

The next round would be the South Zonal level but that’s going to be much later.

Anyway, for now, I’ve got to think about what to do with my newly acquired wealth. B) The next month is going to be brutal with OBG internal, Surgery internal, Cousin’s wedding and yet another GM internal all in a span of 3 weeks.

Let’s hope I find my zen in the library and get through this maddening month.

Cheers! <3 ~All thanks to my cord lending friend Accamma:)

Mimosa Pudica #2

^And how everything has changed but it all still feels the same. Old post with the same Caption under very different circumstances. Or are they all the same?!

Sunday nights are potential blog nights, so let’s get to work! :)

Yes, it's been while and I'd like to inform Whomsoever Concerned that I'm currently in Surgery postings after about 6 weeks in General Medicine Postings.

To give you a brief update about Medicine Postings, it began fairly well with a lot of patients in the initial half because the MCI Inspection was round the corner so you could say our hospital was filled to the brim. We saw quite a few of the usual cases of COPD, TB, ALD, DM, HTN and IHD. We also happened to see some psychiatric patients during these postings and even patients who had psychiatric illness apart from the original reason for their admission.

Over the few weeks, lndumathi Ma'am  was 'feared’ among the student population primarily for her disparaging remarks and comparison with Govt medical colleges but she also taught us a lot of things; or rather told us how much more we would need to be reading to catch up with our counterparts.

We also had a new Prof, lrrfan Sir who again expected much more from us This involved me having to auscultate In a patient with RHD for any possible murmur but I  couldn’t seem to elicit anything and later it turned out that there wasn’t any murmur as such but an Ejection Click’ was heard. Nevertheless it was an experience to remember. :)

When I asked Text Fairy to decode the next part of my blog. -_-

To be continued when I find out how to connect my laptop to my phone without WiFi, BlueTooth and when all the USB cords around you seem to fail.

If you're wondering how I typed all this, I took photos of the Word Document, installed Text Fairy, an OCR app to read text in images but it decided to work only for the first image so it's going to be a while before I explain what happens in Medicine End Posting and how Surgery has been going so far.

I have 62625282 things running on my mind, but honestly, the ones that really matter don't demand attention. :')

I'll leave you with this poem that I wrote for the Poetry competition of Simbiosis 2k17 that managed to find itself in second place.

Topic: Dream (This brought back memories of a poem I'd written a year or two ago. I had been looking through some of the past poems for some inspiration prior to the event but I obviously couldn't write along those lines, especially when re-reading them made me feel incredulous about the shit I wrote back then. :')

There are dreams every night,
Dreams that promised of a better tomorrow,
Visions of success flooded my sight,
Joyous was I that I would vanquish all sorrow.

With stars in our eyes, we arrived;
Myriad backgrounds united by a common dream,
Through thick and thin, we strived,
The sweet taste of victory was not far it would seem.

Roadbumps did not hamper our stride,
For years, the midnight oil burnt aglow,
To serve and heal, it would be our pride,
The seeds of good health, we aimed to sow.

Reality gently nudged me awake,
Society and politics threatened to be my brake,
But never a moment shall I rue,
For this dream is coming true!

The eyes had all the answers,
But alas, the language was another.

Harmony

As old as the Sun was their tale
Kindgoms may come and go
Yet She knew that He would never fail,
And the Skies kept their word through high and low.

With bated breath, she held her own,
Through the months of dry famine and drought.
She anticipated His return to the throne,
Come Spring and He would steal the show.

The scent of the rains preluded the entry,
As He graced the barren soil,
The birds sang in unison as His gentry.
To celebrate that He had remained loyal.

Year after year, He retuned to Her,
Not long was their union but no matter,
For it gave courage to bear summers strong,
And cherish the youth in Her, every spring.

//when you're at a vantage point in the library watching the golden sunset and envisioning a summer shower.

Summertime Soliloqouy.

The bird that was meant to soar,
Shall only pause in the summer shade;
It's wings that cannot be chained,
Shall only rest awhile in the storm.

The freedom of the open skies shall prevail,
For nothing could hinder a ship that has set sail,
Perhaphs this was how the journey was meant to be;
In her own strength, with the choice to be free.

Unbound yet with deeper bonds she flew,
In the memories of the past, she grew;
Cherished within were stories untold,
But the beating heart remained it's own.

Every cloud has a silver lining 

This Or That.

They say I think in binaries. 0 or 1. Black or White. Good or Bad. Necessary or Unnecessary.  I see no in between, no intermediate entity. I have always had clear cut definitions. I don’t like blurriness; be it in my vision or in my perspectives. This is how I’ve always been. Do I want to change that? I don’t think so. That perhaps explains the uneasiness that gnaws within me.

There is so much I want to do. Am I really working in that direction? Or am I just working and waiting for everything to miraculously materialize? Ugh, I don’t know where this is stemming from but I’m feeling a lot of discontentment about myself. Is it probably inversely proportional to how ‘happy’ I momentarily feel?

I pride myself for my ability to not be influenced by the choices of those around me. It is one trait I hold close to myself hence, I’m pondering if I am consciously responsible for my actions or have I been influenced by those around me, willingly or unwillingly. 

Gokarna, March 2017 with Abhi and BP.

I don’t have the answers to any of these. I know I think too much, trust me, I don’t like it either that my brain keeps churning out such inane rubbish in the midst of an Aortic Aneurysm and I tuck away these thoughts in a tiny cubicle in my brain, assuring it that I will open the Pandora’s Box once I get the time to blog about it. :)

I want to talk a lot more but I don’t know if this is the medium to unload all my burdens, but it makes sense to reflect to oneself instead of somebody else because you will eventually hear an opinion, an advice, a suggestion or better still, a similarity in thought. All of which is unnecessary when all you need is a mirror. A plain mirror to lay the bare truth in front of your eyes; with all its ugliness, its scars, bruises and perfect imperfections. And that cannot come from anyone but me. (To cut a long story short, I find it as important, or probably more important to understand myself, consolidate my thoughts and be a whole person by myself than anything else. 

Or is this defensive attitude stemming from my fear of being influenced by new ideas and thoughts? 

What is nice may not be necessary and what is necessary may not be nice. 

In the end, nothing matters except what you believe in, what you stand for and what you do.

Subtleties are always better. I could write a million lines on everything I can imagine, which a far more powerful tool than reality is. I want my imagination back. I find much more beauty in metaphors, in an indefinite entity than in the raw face of reality. 
Maybe. 

And that reminds me;

http://scienceblogs.com/mixingmemory/2006/07/17/the-cognitive-science-of-art-r/

Read under ‘Perceptual Problem Solving’. I remember reading those very lines in VS Ramachandran’s Emerging Mind.

On an unrelated note, the marriage seems to have bitten the GRS family cousins as 2* more have fallen for the trap and wedding bells shall be ringing throughout this year. 

Jogging everyday hasn’t helped in physically (Let’s be honest :P ) but it certainly elevates my mood and automatically trashes all the clutter that I tend to attract with a magnet. -_-

Can’t wait to meet my super-achieving Minnulli over this month end (hopefully). :)

Bye Bye Old Faithful :)

(Trust me I’m not a raving lunatic who fondly addresses a virtual entity and distances actual people who listen to her. I just like me more.) 

La La Land

Hello from the other side! :)

So I’m currently in Medicine Postings and we’re getting to see some good cases. A few days ago, I got a chance to remove the pleural effusion from a female patient and it was quite interesting. It’s not often that the Prof offers a chance to do it and you end up draining about 450mL of fluid from the patient’s lungs. So it was basically a 3 way apparatus where one can drain the fluid and then direct it into a container with the turn of a knob. So it was going well until I suddenly began to feel a lot of resistance while draining the fluid. In cases of progressive Pulmonary TB, there’s a lot of fibrosis in the lung parenchyma making the drainage slightly tricky. Usually giving corticosteroids would prevent fibrosis but this is a double edged sword because it could flare up the inflammatory reactions.

So at one point, the pressure I exerted to push the fluid into the container caused the pipe to snap out and spill some of the liquid. Now, this isn’t what you’d expect in your first attempt so I was naturally worried but when the same incident repeated under able hands, the culprit was identified to be the faulty device and replaced by another and the procedure was completed.

In Medicine, there are going to be 100s of procedures and this is just one among them but there is trepidation, excitement and happiness at having done something new.

Saturday, however, was another story altogether. One thing led to another and I began taking a case with the help of my batchmates.For some godforsaken reason, I didn’t think I would end up presenting it. I don’t feel like elaborating on it, but let’s just say that I felt absolutely inadequate about myself. I need to pull up those socks soon to improve. In my usual twisted logic, I’m glad I did this, because I now know how much more I need to know. Atleast I’m one of the “If you never try, You’d never know” kind of people. (Not always, but atleast in this context! :P )

I have so much to read, I’ve got an OBG seminar coming up and results coming sooner than I’d like. Why can’t the pile of exam papers EVER get burnt so that they’d pass everyone?! Atleast once in this lifetime? I hope nothing changes.

12th March 2017. Cheers to a new experience. :)

Long nights and days that fly.

Hey there. So here's the update that's  (hopefully) been awaited. At least I'm eager to share everything that's been going on so far.

So I'd been to Bangalore on two consecutive weekends and they were spent fairly eventfully.

The first week was spent at home and doing some shopping for the upcoming events. Basically what I do is board the night train from Shimoga and reach Bangalore City Railway station by the crack of dawn and leave the next night by the 11pm train to reach Shimoga around 4.45am. This is probably the most efficient thing to do considering how I utilize the daylight time effectively instead of traveling. After dinner and the last minute (race against time kinda) rush to the railway station, I boarded the train and I must say my night journeys are so frequent that I no longer find it hard to catch a few hours of sleep. So we've got this new cycling equipment at home which I tried out. Pity I don't get that kind of exercise back here in Shimoga.

Next weekend was Gautham's engagement so that kept me busy and it was a short but eventful visit back home.

P

After finally finishing with Obstetrics and Gynaecology we've finally moved on to General Medicine where a variety of cases await us each day, waiting to be examined and understood. I still haven't gotten the hang of these postings but hopefully I shall find my bearings soon.

Now that Dominoes and CCD have opened up in Shimoga we have a lot more 'legit' reasons to travel to the city.

Recently watched two interesting documentaries.
One of them is 'Food Inc.' Which gives us a brief idea of what goes on behind closed doors in animal farms. The second one was on the rampant increase in deaths due to prescription drug overusage/overdose.

MaDi were in town over this weekend and we got to spend some time together playing Uno, sketching and a hundred other games she spontaneously comes up with.

The words that once flowed in ebbs and tides,
Are now but a summertime trickle,
Metaphors and similes once came with ease,
Are now in halting, hesitant flashes.

Perhaps this exile is a twist of fate,
Come spring and perhaps the lyrical hum shall resurface.
With monsoon perhaps my words shall find their muse;
Until then, these verses remain in a hireath.