The Ultimate Nightmare.

Here's to a day that's taught me many things.
Here's to day that made realize many things.
Here's to the friends who make you feel good about yourself, who fill you with inspiration, motivation and a solid dose of advice that makes you look at things in a different perspective.
Here's to the friends who want you to do well, who will lend a hand and make sure you avoid the pitfalls.
Here's to that rare set of friends who will be there for you no matter how far they are, who will have faith in you and who will believe in you in those times when you doubt yourself.
Here's to the friend who takes the time off and convinces you that you are no less than anybody else.
Here's my thank you to you. (Because I'm pretty sure you won't be seeing this. ;) )
Wish there were more such people!

Lately, it had occurred to me that I am probably not extremely competitive. I would describe myself as moderately competitive. No the cut-throat, obsessed kind. My driving factor has most often been the urge to do well and not the desire to be No.1. Yes, it might seem strange, but what I mean is, I do it out my interest, not out of the desire to beat X/Y/Z and get to the top. But I'd been pondering if this was the right attitude because when I see X/Y/Z, it is this competitive spirit that enables them to get to the top.

But the truth is, this is irrelevant. The goal has nothing to do with X/Y/Z. In medicine, the ultimate nightmare is having a patient in front of you and being unable to diagnose/treat them appropriately. Watching the patient suffer while you fumble and falter with your concepts is the most horrifying idea. It's THIS imagery that should prompt any medico to give their 100% and work towards excellence. Yes, it's important to know where you stand relatively because in today's world, you are judged based on how you're better than the one beside you. But that isn't the sole criterion. The most important factor is to keep the Ultimate Nightmare in mind and study so that you will not fail in alleviating the suffering of the patient.

Res Ipsa Loquitur

"Res Ipsa Loquitur" is Latin for "The thing speaks for itself". With respect to Forensic Medicine it means that the nature of the injury itself suggests the negligence of the defendant and thus requires no further proof. Sometimes, somethings require no further proof, validation or explanation because it speaks for itself. 

Our life is not measured by the highs and lows but by our adaptations to change. Change is inevitable and one can never predict what changes each day will bring. We are defined by our ability to cope with the Wild card that Life throws at us. 

Our post-dinner ward visits have resumed and every day we look at a few new cases and try to learn something new. (and try to remember what we've seen earlier) Recently we got the chance to see:

• Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm (thrill could be palpated, atherosclerotic plaques clearly seen in the Scan via the dye injected)
• Follicular variant of Papillary Carcinoma of Thyroid gland 
• Capsuloganglionic hematoma of the right side (this was clearly seen in the CT Scan) leading to hemiparesis and decreased visual field of the left side.
• Carcinoma of Breast (BIRADS Type 4)

Last weekend I'd been home after about 2 months (for a very short duration: 50hours) and it felt good to spend time with family. I also got time to catch up with Mani after a long time and listening to the medical stories at BGSGIMS, I felt slightly relieved. Maybe it's the pressures of the profession that drives people to be the way they are. But after exchanging stories of our respective colleges, it felt as though we're both in the same ocean, heading in the same direction, just in different boats. 

On Tuesday (24th March), we got to see our first surgery in the OT (ENT). 

The Patient presented with 

• extensive deafness
• discharge (mucoid to mucopurulent, without blood) from ear (exacerbated by head bath, relieved on medication)
• post nasal drip 
• facial nerve dehiscence

Previous history of CSOM (Chronic Suppurative Otitis Media) in left ear. Granulation tissue is present. 

It began as an exploratory procedure as Cortical Mastoidectomy and then they opted for Modified Radical Mastoidectomy because they had to delve even more extensively to locate the cause of dehiscence. After finding a cotton piece at the centre of the granulation tissue, Dr Harish performed Type 3 tympanoplasty (by making changes to the incus and re-attaching it and this was followed by autograft of Temporal fascia of the patient) and meatoplasty (to widen the canal). After this, he completed the procedure with inverse suture using catgut.

To read more about this procedure: http://med.stanford.edu/ohns/earinstitute/otology-neurotology/resources/chronic_otitis_media_cholesteatoma.html

Procedures:

• Modified Radical Mastoidectomy
• Meatoplasty
• Type 3 Tympanoplasty

Cotton piece found, granulation tissue around this cotton piece which was causing compression near geniculate ganglion.

Pre Anaesthetic Medication: Xylocaine Adrenaline infusion

Post Operative Medication: MonoCef (antimicrobial-Ceftriaxone), Periset (Antiemetic-Ondansetron) and Dynapar (NSAID)

Distribution of Facial Nerve. Compression of the nerve can lead to altered facial
expression since the nerve supplies the muscles of face.

So this was our first OT and we were super excited. It was indeed a deja vu moment that reminded me of Grey's Anatomy when Harish Sir scrubbed up and elbowed his way into the Operation Theatre. 

All Scrubbed Up.

So it was indeed a test of endurance since the procedure lasted for a good 4 hours. Here's hoping that we get to see many more surgeries! We (Abhi and I) saw the patient in the MICU during our night visit (where we happened to meet Harish Sir again) and her smile was normalized now as was her ability to close and open her eyes.

Us! :P

Pharmacology and MicroB tests are coming up in the month of April as is the much awaited Medical Conference DEMEDCON at SDUMC, Kolar. ENT Postings are coming to an end and we will then begin Community Medicine. Hopefully we will have a few field visits and rather than merely giving attendance and walking out.

Songs update:

• Heroes: Alesso Ft Tove Lo
• Tere Bin Nahin Lage Jiya
• Love Me Like You Do: Ellie Goulding 
• Meeti Boliyan
• Yeno Yeno Agide (All the songs are awesome actually)

Seeya :)

Tripping scenes. :D

Hello there!

So 8th March 2015 was our class trip to Manipal, Udupi, St Mary’s Island and Maple Beach (after much debating, planning and procrastination)!

On Saturday, we went out to the city after what seemed like forever and when we came back, the college was a riot of colours! Yes, half the students from both the hostels were out on the roads enjoying Holi. It was virtually impossible to recognize anybody given that everybody was caked in different shades and drenched in water (possibly sourced from the lake beside our college) and we faced the imminent threat of also being smeared with colours so we decamped to the mess and then watched the proceedings from a vantage point.

Post dinner, the excitement was in the air and the localites had arrived to stay overnight since we would be leaving early in the morning. At midnight, there was a bonfire organized at the girls’ hostel (but I happened to walk in when the embers were dying down) as a run-up to all the excitement that awaited us.

We left the campus gates by 4am by chanting praises of Mr Y (BP’s idea) and for a substantial part of the journey, we sang songs and had an Antakshari of sorts. This was our first such trip and for many people, it was the first such journey with friends.

At the crack of dawn we got out for a short break and soak in the wilderness of the Ghat section but we were shooed inside after being threatened that tigers roamed this region.  (-_-) We halted at Manipal for breakfast and then proceeded towards the Museum of Anatomy and Pathology which has a wide variety of specimens that makes for a great viewing. Post this, we chilled for a while at their food court (Govi’s treat. For? Errr. First year mbbs result :P)and then we set of towards the harbour. Prior to this there was another stop where most of the people had lunch (i.e savoured some sea food) whereas Abhi, BP and I clowned around on a random street. (That includes waving at random passers-by, striking the Titanic pose at the middle of the road and so on.. Don’t bother judging me, I do it myself all the time anyway!) We took the ferry ride to St Mary’s Island which was pleasant given that it wasn’t sunny at all.

Abhi and I at Manipal :)

On the island we (Kundur and I) went on the jet ski which was not scary as it was touted to be. After this, we were on a Spree! A photo-clicking spree at every possible place, in every possible angle, with and w/o shades, with and w/o the hats and so on! Just like DJ night, Kundu and I were the perfect team for the Island leg of the trip! Nevertheless, we had a good time and enjoyed the serenity of the place.

Some Cliche' Photoshoot :P

After this, we went to Malpe Beach were a considerable amount of time was spent in pondering whether or not we should get into the water, whether or not we should go for some of the rides and walking around (with difficulty) on the sand. But soon, we were walking on the beach, enjoying the waves, the setting sun and the cool breeze that provided a respite from the glaring heat during the day.

Kundur and I

We halted again at Manipal for Dinner and most people chose from the three options: KFC, Pizza Hut and Dominoes. It was time for another treat (from AVM, for clearing the 1st mbbs exams) and it was rather fun. (Despite the fact that I had almost shut down after all the excitement)

The journey back to college was mostly uneventful except when the driver put on some blaring music (that is still ringing in my ears like persistent tinnitus) and switched on the lights to ward off sleep. But soon, that too came to an end and we found ourselves at the gates of SIMS at 3:30am. It was all over. Our much awaited class trip had come to an end!

The hardest part was getting up at 7am the next day and attending the theory classes at 8am and ENT postings for another 3 hours.

Initially I was reluctant and had assumed the worst possible outcome of the trip but as Icabo, Makshi and Gimpi had predicted, everything turned out just fine. True, half the people were with their “better half” and everybody moved in close knit gangs but it didn’t matter anyway (I had feared that it would). You need to go with the flow and not cling on to your comfort zone. That’s how you’ll find happiness irrespective of who you’re with.

Of What Is Dead And Buried.

Apologies. (in case you were waiting)

• February, the month of sports, cultural events and college day has passed. It's back to the routine of classes, postings and practicals for a while now. Except that the class trip is coming up over this weekend. :D

Saana Kundu and Mee. :)

• Restarted jogging (or rather, brisk walking) for the simple reason that it helps me remain active and for the rest of the day, not to mention that I need to remain fit.

• Bibliophile Updates:
• Chasing Tomorrow by Tilly Bagshawe (thanks to Anu! :D )
• Best Kept Secret by Jeffrey Archer (thanks to Likki! :D )
• Be Careful What You Wish For by Jeffrey Archer

• We're currently in our ENT postings. By the end of these postings we would have seen several endoscopies and Indirect Laryngoscopies (fingers crossed for chance to see a Tympanoplasty in the OT. After 3 days of maám, Ballal Sir taught us today! (rather he extracted answers out of us and tested our Anatomy by going into the specifics. The thing is, we tend to mumble the answers (right or wrong) to ourselves and the teachers either lose interest in us or demand to know what is it that we're whispering to ourselves. Although it was a HIGHLY embarrassing session where we realized how much we've forgotten, it was interactive and fun as well. :)

• We finished our OBG Postings which was majorly a theoretical session where we learnt about Pre Ecclampsia, Gestational DM, Ante-Partum and Post partum Hemorrhage, Labor, Cesarean Section and several other topics. What rankled us is the fact that the next batch is getting to watch procedures in the OT while we never did. :(

• Professors respond based on the kind of interaction they receive from the students. An interactive session encourages the teacher and they share more information because they know the students are receptive. This is a probable explanation why each batch is treated differently in the postings.

• Communal violence in Shimoga town prompted the authorities to declare holidays and impose curfew and Section 144 in the surroundings. Normalcy has returned and the Section will be lifted post Holi.

• Pathology has started to worry me because I realize that my brain does not want to accept, process or retain anything related to Leukemia. Being insulted by Mr.Y has become a regular affair and you develop some tolerance to it but the worrying fact is that there is actually truth in what he says. Sarcasm from Mr.V is nothing new but the fact that he is actually being honest is rather depressing. What kind of clinicians will we become? What kind of diagnosis will we do? What sort of Examination will we do on our patients? What kind of studying is this if it doesn't help you treat your patient?

• I don't know if it's a good thing that I keep reverting to the past and tend to look at it as a guiding light to what lies ahead. In some ways, I miss the excitement of first year, the rush to go take our place in the dissection hall (lest some other hyper excited idiot starts off dissecting by getting their hands on the dissection box), the little preparation we did before dissection (because RK wouldn't spare us if we failed to answer or atleast made a decent attempt) and our involvement in the whole process. Have things changed? Has the excitement dwindled? Or does it depend on whether the lecturer is engaging enough?
• Patching up has its advantages. You feel lighter and a load seems to have lifted off your chest. You no longer carry the burden of misunderstandings that continues to grow rapidly with time like a malignant tumor. Sometimes, you've got to leave your ego behind you and make the first move. Everything else will sort itself out. :)

• Too many things have been going on lately. Too much confusion and way too much nonsense. And that brings me to the point I'd like to stress upon in this post: Me-time. The idea of personal time seems to have completely vanished. The idea of having time for oneself has become extinct and everything is either a joint effort or a collaboration and I'm beginning to realize how much I've become dependent on this collaboration. Now, I've always been comfortable with the idea of being "solo", more than that, I've actually enjoyed the clarity of thought and peace that it gives, even if the rest of the world interprets it as anti-social.
• Certain decisions ought to be taken in the near future. Neither is the perfect solution but one must decide which is more viable and which is the closest solution to what I need.
• Of late, I've been gripped by a persistent dilemma. About the future. Have I really chosen the right thing? Is this career suited for me? Will I be able to do justice to it? I seem to have elapsed into a vortex of passivity and rarely do I emerge and interact productively. Added to this is the misery of having forgotten Anat, Physio and Biochem which the professors take joy in pointing out with great scorn and sarcasm. This makes me question myself, are my methods wrong? Is my approach wrong? Do I need to revise more often? Or am I not cut out for this? This is the profession I have chosen for myself. Will I be successful with the same rate of effort? My weakness is that I evade, avoid and detest explaining any concept. I'm slowly beginning to realize how important it is to be able to describe a process, a condition or a mechanism with simplicity. This quality is one of the foremost prerequisites of a medico, not just the ability to fill endless pages of information. Painful as it seems, the distinction that I worked for means nothing. Every other day, I question myself as to how I've passed first year of MBBS. Have I cheated myself more than anybody else by passing?
• Very often, one is tempted to join the herd. When even those closest to you, it doesn't seem so bad after all. But then, it's at these moments that you should stick to your principles and do what is right.

• I am strongly tempted to Delete (Not Just Deactivate or Uninstall) WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat and Hike (yes, even silly Hike) but such temptations have become a regular thing. Rarely do I "succumb" to them.

• Plans to meet MaPaDi have once again been postponed. It might be another month before we meet. Bheemi has exams coming up, I have ENT, She'll have her results and then hopefully I can meet them all. Nidhz is busy with boards (for an entire month. Phew!) so it will be a while before I meet them as well. It's been I while since I spoke to Ajji-Bajji, I should probably call her today.

• Check out the Prognosis App on Google Play Store. An interesting app where you've got to diagnose a case based on the given input, investigate with relevance and treat accordingly. You score based on your performance and you get a detailed explanation regarding the diagnosis and course of treatment and why the other options are less appropriate in the case concerned. 

• OH AND BY THE WAY, I've completely forgotten to mention about my May Plans!! This may be a little hard to believe (you might even be tempted to Roll On The Floor and Laugh but it's true). I intend to travel by myself to Mumbai and meet Bhopieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee for a few days. (I can do cool stuff in life too)
• I'm currently writing another story. Let's hope I persevere and finish it. :D
• Musicophilia:
• It's Empty (The Click Five) [Song courtesy: Annlee! :D]
• Yun Hi Chala (Swadesh)
• Jeena Jeena (Atif <3)

• Quote Factory:
• "Anyone can be a good winner. The sign of a great man is how you handle defeat." -Jeffrey Archer (Best Kept Secret)
• "Sneham Mathram Puchikaruthu (Malayalam) - Never Belittle Love."-Preethi Shenoy (Life Is What You Make It)
• “You’re so bossy.” “Why is a woman always described as bossy, when if a man did the same thing he’d be thought of as decisive, commanding and displaying qualities of leadership?” -Jeffrey Archer (Be Careful What You Wish For)

                                        

Seeya Later Folks! (Sedative Hypnotics awaits! BTW Did you know that Sedatives technically are not for insomnia but for producing a calming effect and decreasing irritability? Hypnotics are the ones used in those cases to induce sleep. Sounds confusing? Read this.

Awwwww.

Blogspired.

A long time ago, young girl was mesmerized by a blog.

A blog of a genius, whose ramblings still make me smile and gain inspiration every time I read it. I still remember the day, it was the day before our English Language exam but I didn't regret the time I spent for one moment. For the next 2 years or so, that blog remained an inspiration to work hard, to push myself further and to dare to dream big. The experiences, the effort behind every success, the strong urge to keep improving oneself and so many more features of the blog made it a sort of Bible for me. I faithfully read and re-read every line and like plant feeding on nutrients and sunlight for existence, the blog fed my soul at a time when life seemed to be going astray. True, I didn't get to do what I initially intended to do, but it doesn't mean that I've given up. My coffee addiction partly stems from the blog wherein the author indulged on copious amounts of caffeine in order to make the most of time which will never come back to us.

To this day, the dream remains, the fire is still burning and the desire to reach that dream destination is stronger than ever. It is this dream which pushes me every time I begin to falter or decrease my tempo, it is this dream that helps me shut out all the unwanted bullshit and narrow down my priorities.

And today I read something similar, but something I could relate with to a greater extent. A genius, no doubt (BMC and JIPMER) with a genuine love and passion for medicine which is reflected in the enthusiasm in the posts about the cases. The single minded devotion, the long journey of a medical student from the final years of UG through PG and to the present have been encapsulated to make an interesting read. As a fellow blogger, it indeed means a lot to see the journey of a doctor through the years..

Reading this blog also reminded me that It's about time I pull up my socks and get back on track to the things that matter. It's important to keep revising old knowledge in order to cement their existence in your brain and at the same time keep acquiring new knowledge everyday to widen your database.

Adios Amigo. :)

Nocturnal Notes.

Back again rather early, am I? Pardon me but I wish to rant and rant I shall because what greater purpose does my blog serve?

Preparations for College Day is progressing well and the excitement is in the air despite a number of students trickling out of the campus owing to the extended weekend. Lighting arrangements are being made and one is reminded of our enthusiasm last year at seeing the decked up college lit up in the darkness. 

Sometimes you let go of your ego and try to build bridges but in the bargain you end up burning another set of bridges. Ultimately the key rests within us, the key to our happiness. We choose what we get affected by. You could say a zillion things and they can bounce away without leaving the tiniest dent. Or the smallest of carefully phrased remarks could leave a scar whose pain sears deep within. It's all in the mind. (Invictus ;) )

Nevertheless, it is important to remember that there will always be naysayers, critics and negativity. Look at the better aspects, accept them, improvise and eliminate the bullshit. Like I've said on earlier occasions, nobody can rob you of your happiness. It doesn't mean you surround yourself with sycophants, it means that you let your conscience decide. At such junctures, it is essential to remember that there are bigger and better things to deal with and it is better to focus the limited neuronal capacity that we've been allotted with on such aspects.

I realized that I've actually grown as an individual and it doesn't bother about what people assume about me. Of course, I haven't developed complete immunity but I guess I've got a strong vaccine against it for now. I can laugh it off because I've realized that it is virtually impossible to convince anybody of anything so I might as well stop trying and just continue with my work. You will begin to feel less hurt when you tie your happiness to goals rather than to people.

In the past 12 hours, I've watched a marathon session of movies that are each beyond comparison.

• The Imitation Game
• A Beautiful Mind (A tearful watch. A definite must-watch.)
• Lincoln (2012) [in parts]

Currently reading:

• The Writerly Life by RK Narayan

It's about time I restart reading the following books:

• Robbins
• KDT
• Ananthnarayan
• KSN

Ah, the bliss of the nocturnal rambler.

Bonded by a common goal, they were entwined as a single soul

February Jitters.

Hello there, readers. I have been unfaithful and this shall hopefully not repeat. 

The sporting events at Subbaiah have (almost) come to a conclusion. We had two days at Nehru Stadium where the track events, badminton, basketball, football and kho-kho were held while cricket, throwball and volleyball for boys and girls were held on the campus itself.

In the week prior to the sporting events, the campus was abuzz with activity, an unprecedented number of students were up at the crack of dawn to practise for the upcoming matches and coaching sessions continued late into the night. Badminton left me weary and tired and the additional basketball practise sessions in the stadium after freezing in the auto-ride had me completely exhausted and fatigued. But the funniest thing is despite the sudden increase in physical activity, I had trouble falling asleep and several nights were spent tossing and turning or pondering over ways to better my game. You could say it was a mild obsession to change the outcome of the match compared to last year and nobody believed it more than myself.

D-day arrived and events unfolded in an unexpected manner. Newer, better players had surfaced and I realized that there are miles to go before I get there. Yes, it's never easy to take defeat but eventually you'll have to take it in your stride. I gave it all my effort, but surely, I could do better. Because it certainly seems hard to digest the fact that I've given my best and I can't do better than that. 

PPK, Jeslin and I. Baddie Day!

Be that as it may, moving on to basketball, the first match that we played was fairly decent and both teams played in the spirit of the game. We won thanks to Pragathi managing to score in the last quarter of the game. The final match turned out to be a pathetic flop show that looked so bad that it was actually hilarious. An absolute disaster though it was, the plus side is that we contributed 1 point to the Mavericks.

On both the days, after the sports session, I indulged in a hogging session either at Cafe Chillax or at Goli with a round of Golgappas (they seem to have become a part of my staple diet. I've had golgappas 5 times in the last 10 days!!) 

The very next day after all these sporting events was Cultural Day 1. Scheduled for the day were Drawing and Sketching, Mehendi, Pick and Speak, Debate and JAM. The turn out was a lot lesser compared to the previous year all thanks to the mass exodus of students to their hometowns assuming that these are "vacations". Nevertheless, the show had to go on and we had to conduct the show for the participants who turned up. Debate was well attended and there was considerable interaction from the audience. The topics were Euthanasia and Groupism in colleges. 

Day 2 began with Rangoli at the footsteps of the college and this was followed by Hairstyling, Face Painting, Quiz Prelims, Singing and Antakshari. The latter turned out to be a crowd-puller thanks to active participation from the faculty (RK Sir was in his element).

Day 3 was the much awaited saree day. Basically an extended photo session. :)

Group Pic :)

Quiz finals was interesting and made us think. But it also was a wake up call to brush up on my fading quizzing skills. We came a close second but the best part was the pic we managed to get with Vaibhav Sir. ;)

1. Company that manufactures the largest number of tires?
2. What does the wave form in the Cisco logo signify?
3. Connect: one bill of laundry, one half read novel, phone number of one girl, one important paper,the heart king from my playing cards, one ring of silver,one pocket and one denim jacket, two passes of a one day match, and brand new sunglasses.
4. Synonymous company of Sri Kalyanram Iyengar whose product is authorised to be sold solely by Vijaya Bank
5. The story of Aravinda Pillalamarri and Ravi Kuchimanchi, the NRI couple who returned to India and developed the pedal power generator to light remote, off-the-grid village schools inspired which movie?

• Happiness is when two minds think alike and one voices what the other wishes. 
• Joy is when old memories come back in the form of old friends walking back into your life.
• Awkwardness is when one fails to wriggle out of a situation and hence remains caged in the circumstance.
• Distance is felt when memories become a burden and you begin to forget the little things.
• Tolerance is when you don't care enough to be rude so being nice is but natural.

Currently "determined to be depressed". Reasons are plenty but the most prominent of them might have something to do with the upcoming calendar of events. XD 

Sometimes I wonder, what is the purpose of frivolity? I don't mean one must maintain a poker face and a grim outlook towards life. What is the purpose of temporary tomfoolery?But then again, everybody has their own mantra in life. For some it is "Live in the moment" or "Live for the moment", hence consequences of one's actions do not play a prominent role. Ultimately, I wish to have a balance between the two. Life for the moment but make those moments memorable for eternity. Patience is a virtue I have had until now. Sanjana's words will remain in my mind for a long time to come; the sweetness of a laddoo is best enjoyed when one waits until it has cooled down. Being hasty only results in a scalded tongue. :)

I've often prided myself upon the fact that my face seldom betrays my emotions but it has recently come to my knowledge from several unrelated sources that my face is an obvious mirror of the thoughts wreaking havoc in my mind. Now this is a deeply disturbing fact and it must be rectified at the earliest.

So glad that Pa finally found the time to watch PK! Here's hoping that he'll begin Sherlock very soon. Happiness is when you text your family after what seems like ages and actually "chat" with them.

Books are waiting to be opened and it's about time I pick up where I'd stopped. Time waits for none and opportunities favor those give their best. My peers in other colleges are considering research opportunities overseas and here I am with no headway with regards to career. 

• Listen to Grammy award winning "Winds of Samsara" by Ricky Kej on Youtube. A beautiful watch with melody to accompany.
• Read the book "Life is what you make it"  by Preethi Shenoy on Atthe's recommendation. A really good read which made a lot of sense. Hope to read more of such books in future. 
• 'Invictus' by William Ernest Henley is a beautiful and powerful poem.
    

Out of the night that covers me,

 Black as the Pit from pole to pole,   

 thank whatever gods may be   

  For my unconquerable soul.   

   

In the fell clutch of circumstance 

  I have not winced nor cried aloud.   

Under the bludgeonings of chance   

  My head is bloody, but unbowed.   

   

Beyond this place of wrath and tears   

  Looms but the Horror of the shade, 

And yet the menace of the years   

  Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.   

   

It matters not how strait the gate,   

  How charged with punishments the scroll,   

I am the master of my fate:

  I am the captain of my soul.

Abhii

Icabooo

Adii 

Seeya folks! Be back sooon! :)

It's Been A While #2

Hello there readers! It's been awfully long and I've missed the clarity of thought offered by the blogosphere but there's been so much going on lately that there's barely any time to spare.

First there were the internals which seemed to go on for a nightmarishly long time. Sleepless, caffeine induced nights, harried days and a sense of relief mingled with some disappointment after each paper coupled with a bout of cough and cold induced by chillin' on the chilly stairs during some unearthly hour. But there seems to be a marked contrast compared to last year when I was a LOT more nervous, a LOT more high on caffeine but perhaps performed better.

After the theory papers we had practicals and viva-voce where we were gruelled on the knowledge we had gained (over a very short span, no doubt) and after this we were free! Pharmacology and Microbiology went normally and so did Forensic Medicine despite my serious misgivings (my preparation was mostly based on the group study we did the night before the practicals but I guess that was good enough). It was only in Pathology that they took great pains and a lot of care to sarcastically point out how moronic we were and how our concepts were shaky and so on. Nevertheless, that too came to an end and after this, we were homeward bound!

The bus journey back home was one of the horrible-est so far thanks to the bouts of nausea that Nammu and I suffered from. I probably irritated a lot of people by texting them how exactly I was feeling but finally I found the antidote: some loud, pumping music proved to be effective. (But as it happens, such genre are scarce in my playlist) At long last I was home and it felt like the best thing Ever!

Di's first response was to peer curiously at the prominent gash on my face for a few seconds. In fact, for the next few hours, she spoke to the gash more than me because she was so surprised by my altered face. Nevertheless, MaPa were rather relieved after seeing it because they had imagined the worst when I told them there was an ugly scar on my face. (One of the reasons for me to decamp to B'lore were the incessant questions as to how such a thing happened to me! -.-') 

Ma was a lot better but with restricted mobility due to the cast in her foot. It's sad how even a small twist of events can lead to drastic changes. A small slip, an unexpected fall, a fracture, prolonged rest for a few weeks, plans thrown out of schedule. Alterations, accommodations and adjustments to cope with the changes. 

The next day passed in a sleepy haze and I was woken by several friends at midnight when they called to wish me. Yes, I had reached the big Two-Oh. 2 decades of existence on this planet had been successfully accomplished. Not mere existence, but definitely something worthy, and most definitely something more worthy lies ahead. But a little something kept nagging me at the back of my mind. The next morning I woke up to the chorus of "Happy Birthday To You" emerging from the kitchen, Di being the star singer. Only your younger sister is capable of being more excited than you are on your B'day! (Akka, eat more cake, it's your B'day; Akka, there is a party for you in the evening, it will be a big surprise for you, okay?) And then the collages, the cards and gifts that made me cry because it was all so unexpected given the circumstances. The collages from my childhood, the stole that Ma knitted, the ring which I wanted (after I lost my ring last year) and every little thing made me burst into happy tears that left my parents alarmed and Di baffled for a few minutes. Post this, we had the customary visit to the temple and I was just beginning to wonder if some friends had forgotten it was my B'day when the answer presented itself in the form of a knock on the door. I opened the door and Voila! It's Sanjanaa!! And then, everything seemed right again! My happiness knew no bounds and now it all made sense. It was all part of the plan and MaPaDi knew it all along. 

Then there was a short meet with Pingi at CCD followed by some last minute saree shopping and the evening culminated with Atthe, Mama and Nidhi coming home with a cake and everything. All in all, a great day, thanks to every little gesture, wish and greeting.

In the next few days there were plenty of gaadi scenes, (which was a good thing since it's important to be in touch with riding in B'lore traffic) including one to V'nagar. And at long last, it was time to get back to our "nest". After the train journey as the auto made its way to the hostel, for the first time, a new feeling crept in; the feeling of "being back home" which is a strange feeling indeed. 

The college has been abuzz with activity over the fest. Basically there are four teams (Mavericks, Xenobz, Ravens and Nighthawks) and we compete against each other to win the final trophy. Everybody is training for their respective events and the competitive spirit is in the air. The past few days have been unbelievably exhausting given that I'm playing Baddie against strong players such as Icabo.

It also a moment to express my anger against certain atrocities or rather despicable acts committed. Thievery cannot be tolerated. My money is the hard earned money of my parents and nobody has a right to take it away without my knowledge. Ugh.

Currently extremely happy because I have not disappointed Icabo in Patho. :P *PraiseTheLord*

B'ball practice tomorrow at the crack of dawn, so I guess it's time for me to bid adieu!

Current playlist:

• Aahatein: Ek Main Aur Ek Tu
• Junoon by Abhijeet Sawant
• Mera Jeevan Khora Khagaz by Kishore Kumar

Toodles. :)

New Year, New Beginnings. :)

Internal tension is in the air, with less than a week to go and a zillion things to be read, understood and reproduced, coffee is once again in demand and the library is packed to the brim!

In the last week of the last year, the population in the hostel gradually thinned and dwindled to a steady number. My unquenchable thirst for chocolate prompted me to win a Flappy Bird challenge after spending several fruitless hours over that annoyingly addictive little bird. Traveled home on New Year's Eve, had the most uneventful beginning to the new year (Err, I slept off! Oh come on, I was exhausted after the early morning journey, the shopping, hogging, mall hopping session (with my favourite uncle, aunt and cousin) after a sleepless night) and the rest of the days passed as usual. Unexpected turn (or rather, 'fall') of events resulted in restricted movement in the following days. Anyway Di had holidays too, so it was we could finally catch up on Bheem jigsaw puzzles, swimming session and Shloka classes.

New Year, New Spring of Life, New Hopes.

One thing I realized is kids have amazing auditory grasping power. As children, we learn through what we hear. No wonder I learnt the songs, shlokas and Shasthriya sangeeta easily back in those days when I really didn't refer the books much. Since Ma couldn't make it to the Bal Vihar class, I agreed to teach the little ones the craft that she had started and prepared myself to handle a gathering of hyperactive kiddos. But things turned out quite differently and the "Bhagini from Shimoga" didn't really have a lot to do because of shortage of supplies and paucity of time. 

Blossoms in the Terrace Garden :)

We'd been to Sapna and I (obviously) could not return empty handed, so I got myself:

• Complications by Atul Gawande (A US based surgeon writing about his experiences as a surgeon)
• A pretty little notebook (NOT A DIARY, MIND YOU! -_-)

I also had the honour of meeting up with Gimpi for a precious few minutes (under the pretext of shopping). We gawked at the long haired lanky vehicle servicing idiot who chose to ignore us because we were ugly morons, we (or mostly, I) scared a poor old man at the restaurant who made the mistake of sitting beside us by talking about my Oh-So-Amazing college life and the various species inhabiting our college. I couldn't hide my laughter because the old man's eyes very nearly popped out as I went on and on about the many facets of life in Subbaiah. Something I didn't realize until I was retrospecting much later was how the "Uncle" topic never surfaced! :P 7 months ago, that's all that we seemed to speak about. Lol.

Unprepared for Selfie, Therefore a Footfie. ;)

Speaking about lol-worthy moments. Looking back, I have never failed to make a fool of myself at every juncture in life. It began with Teletubbies, Little Ladybird (from those neighbourhood boys) Floppie, Pinkie, Psyduck (from Syko), Corn/Maize (from the other green house leader in 7th standard), Pigbrain (from my arch rival in 8th), Creature-Thing (from Shamie the Sheepie the Maidha) ... and here too, there are several names to my kitty; Puppy (by Icabo), Julie (by Figo, propagated by Nammu maám), Pig (by Froggie) and Jaz (by BP). It looks like being dignified, graceful and sober is still a distant dream for me! -_-

Looking back at a lot of things, I feel I could have done things differently, but I probably wouldn't, because today, they all make bring a smile on my face; I feel that maybe, just maybe, I'm evolving for the better (even if it's still on a microscopic scale)

No year begins without a few plans, without a few goals in mind. This year too, I've a few plans to follow, few promises to keep and few pitfalls to avoid. :)

Apart from that, Life is progressing swimmingly well. There comes a moment when you feel a happiness for the simple reason that there exist people who understand you really, really well! Be it Bhopiee (What with our plans to meet up in the NCT in the next 6 months by saving 5K, her complete analysis and understanding with my bare minimum explanation), Gimpi (My anchor to remind me of who I am when I conveniently begin to forget :') ), Icabo (Sense and Sensibility) or Abhi (Soul Sister. :) ), they make be feel that any obstacle can be overcome, dark days can be tided over and they radiate happiness like sunshine on a bright day!

Reach Higher Goals! :P

The day we lose the ability to dream big, the day we don't dare to achieve greater heights is the day we sell our souls to the Ordinary and Average. Maybe I'm being foolishly optimistic and starry eyed, but never ever give up on your dreams, never let difficulties bring you down and never stop aiming higher. Of course, Life isn't going to be perfect, but that shouldn't ever deter you. :)

Sometimes, just sometimes, all I want is Peace of Mind. Of course, still want the "bigger" things, but maybe one day the scale will tip over to the little things. Oh, I don't know. Maybe I should just go back to books.

This is why Robbins is beautiful: One may get so close to the tree that they may lose sight of the forest. :)  And this is when he's talking in Anaplasia about how the benign growth may go undetected even when you're looking at the neoplastic adipocytes under the microscope because they resemble the normal adipocytes so closely. It's only when you step back and look at the discrete mass of cells that you realize it's a lipoma.

Seeya! It's probably going to be a while before I get back to the blogosphere again. Toodles, dear reader. 

Horror Autotoxicus

"Literally, the horror of self-toxicity. A term coined by the great German bacteriologist and immunologist Paul Ehrlich (1854-1915) to describe the body's innate aversion to immunological self-destruction. However, as we now know, the immune system can upon occasion attack itself and does so in the autoimmune disorders."

Basically, Ehlrich discovered that goat erythrocytes from a different Goat B introduced into the Goat A can trigger an immunological reaction but Goat A's erythrocytes cause no such immune response in itself. This is because your body knows what "belongs to you"and what is "foreign" and responds accordingly. Sometimes, our mind too works in a similar fashion; our brain chooses what belongs (or rather who belongs to us) and eliminates other irrelevant characters. Which is why we find ourselves dwelling only on a limited number of people like our family and circle of friends. Everybody else is eliminated. We focus (or atleast we should) focus on the things that matter. 

The human body sometimes fails to recognize a foreign body and treats it as its own (example when the HIV infects the T helper cells in case of AIDS). Often, we make errors of judgement and fail to eliminate irrelevant issues from our mind and hence affecting productivity. In some other occasions, the body fails to realize that a certain protein or antigen is a part of its own system and unknowingly attacks and eliminates it. The lens protein of the eye is one such example which when exposed during any surgery, can result in phacoanaphylaxis (immune response where antibodies are produced against the lens protein). There are times when we fail to realize the importance of people in our lives and unknowningly eliminate them. (This is just randomly compiled nonsense because I decided to study MicroB today. Don't know if this made any sense.)

Another amazing thing I did today was read Forensic Medicine (for the first time) and not fall asleep in the process. According to the author, KSN Reddy, a cognizable offence is one in which the accused can be arrested even without an arrest warrant issued by the District Magistrate and this is only for few specific crimes such as murder, rape, dowry death, or any rash/negligent act. But this is so untrue in the Indian setting. How often, arrests are made without any warrant because the accused is ignorant of the law or is unable to defend himself. There are times when the ones who are to protect us are the ones who are to be feared more because of their misuse of power. We live in a country where corruption can make the right man punished, while the one to blame walks away. Trust me, It isn't uncommon to see an honest person in custody all because someone had a grudge against him and some officer's palms were greased with a few crisp notes of paper bearing the photo of the man who stood for honesty, integrity and non violence. Ironic, isn't it?

The year is ending, it does not do well to dwell on the bad times. Let me hunt for better things to write about. Music has been therapeutic, to say the least. Got several new songs to my playlist:

• Axwell Ingrosso: Something New
• Kelly Clarkson: Dark Side
• Christina Perri: Butterfly (lyrics! :) )
• Ed Sheeran: A Team
• Carrie Underwood: Blown Away
• Taylor Swift: Everything Has Changed
• Imagine Dragons: Demons
• OneRepublic: Counting Stars (popular in the hostel right now), Good Life
• Beyonce': Halo, Best Thing I Never Had
• One Direction: Steal My Girl

Adios, dear reader! :)

Here's wishing you a great year ahead. Every year has its ups and downs, every year teaches us something new, something to remember for life. Every year, we meet new people who will make an impact on us. Every year is an opportunity to make more out of our lives. Here's to better times ahead in 2015. May you work harder, may you reach your goals, may you face the tough times with grace, the good times with care and live life to the fullest and without regrets!