Memories are a bittersweet blessing.

I didn’t honestly think that motherhood would make me relive my childhood to such an extent. It seems like a trip down memory lane each day as I recall new details and memories from my childhood.

Two things that come to my mind are that there is some bias in my recall which is due to what I choose to remember. Maybe I am looking at my childhood through rose-tinted glasses but I guess the innocence of being a child prevents you from seeing otherwise. 

The second fact being, when one parent is no longer with us, no longer there to speak for themselves, there is an image, a story, a persona created on our mind based on everything we have chosen to remember and take forward and it is that narrative that we repeat to ourselves and to those around us. 

While there’s nothing wrong with this as such, it need not always be the entire truth that we chose to remember. The human brain is far far more intelligent than what AI is made out to be. This selective memory is probably a way we have subconsciously chosen to protect ourselves and move forward.

My earliest memories are from Koramangala where I spent several years until we moved to Banashankari for my schooling. I was told that I attended Balalok and then Arunodoy Montessori for my kindergarten. I remember we used to go to Sowbhagya Traders to buy fancy stuff, have juice at Ganesh Fruit Juice and there used to be these poles near the vegetable shop where I would hold one hand and rotate until I felt dizzy. There was also Sukh Sagar where we would go once in a while to eat out, there was Peas Park around which I learnt cycling with Amma and there was the main Koramangala park where I would go often to play. Once I brought back home a small rectangular piece of wood with a design and it didnt belong to me and I felt so guilty about it because I probably knew that someone would be looking for it.

Amma would attend art classes and sometimes I would accompany her like to Prashanthi’s classes or Nanda aunty’s Kinnari School of Art or there was another place where Amma learnt Tanjore painting. 

My school teachers were nice and I remember Annamma Madam, Fathima Madam and of course Sumita Mukherjee Madam who first noticed that I was perhaps short-sighted and needed glasses. They had (2?) dogs in their house which we would sometimes see. 

We had a small Onida TV with limited channels. Dad had lots and lots of books and I loved to read them. I remember Appa coming back from one of his few foreign trips and I was so excited to see what he had got for us. :) 

There was a catalogue book which had lots of toys and interesting things and I would always imagine how it would be if I had those exciting toys with me in my house here in India.

There was Sandhyakka and Gautham Anna upstairs with their parents Sunanda Aunty and Shankar Uncle. Aunty would do some intricate cobbri art work for weddings and other paraphernalia thats used as a part of marriage rituals. I remember there were a few stray dogs that we would feed. I think there was a Tommy and a Blacky among others. Once, one of them was injured by the car so they were taken in a tub to the vet for a check up. 

There was Dr Prashant Naik’s clinic which we would frequent when I was sick; I still remember the strong odour of antiseptic and the cold, hard feel of the stethoscope when he would examine me. 

There was BDA complex which had a toystore where I got my first Barbie doll. There were small fancy stores where I would get kitchen set and play Mane-Aata with Amma.

There are so many memories in this area, so many firsts in this neighbourhood that I can’t really explain. It was probably the golden era of Koramangala and today the area has completely metamorphosed into a commercial hub, unrecognizable from what it was back then.. 

Marching Ahead

 The days may seem routine and without much fanfare, but before I realized, time is flying and we have an active 4.5month old babbler who loves to roll, crawl, sing and generally smiles at everything and everyone. 

• Baby Rao is now a busy boy and his daily schedule ( oh yes he has one!) is quite interesting.
• Wake up anywhere between 7-9 and sometimes greet us with an ‘aguuuu’ or try to sneakily open the curtains so that light streams in. I love how he wakes up in a lovely mood and gives us bright happy smiles.
• A morning walk where we say Hi to Security Akka, Bowwie, Snowy, Foxie and any doctors who see us in the morning. We see and touch the flowers and leaves and sometimes listen to the birds chirping. 
• Back home, there is some kitchen rounds where he discusses meal plan with N aunty and then does Home Tour with Annamma. 
• After one feed and nap, it’s time for massage and then a nice bath followed by some wrestling to put him in his clothes and another feed. 
• It’s time for some play on the mat and he goes around trying to chase small toys and to put everything in his mouth ultimately.
• Noon is feed + sleep and we wake up anywhere between 4-5pm and it’s time for another walk. We also go to the canteen where he watches me eat my snack and tries to grab it unsuccessfully. After another round of saying hi and bye to campus dogs, we head back home. 
• Sometimes we go out for a drive with Aanu and have tender coconut breaks or else have Tea and Bun Maska at a local shop. After this, its time for an evening nap.
• We start winding down for bedtime pretty early and we have our music sessions during this time or else we have guitar classes which he is eager to attend these days. Soon, he is all set for bedtime and after some dilly-dallying finally he is fast asleep. Until the next feed in 2hours. And so on…

Of course, there is no guarantee that we can stick to the routine on all days but we try to maintain it to some extent. A schedule can make a lot of things smooth for him and for me. Babies love routines and the sooner we get them hooked onto a routine, better for both baby and mom. :)

While my maternity leave shall end soon, I am somewhere between wanting to get back to my OPD, doing rounds and seeing patients and also wanting to spend as much time as possible with my little one, watching every little milestone and bonding with him. I know there is nothing new about what I’m feeling, millions of women deal with this phase, however that doesn’t mean these emotions aren’t valid.. Hopefully we will find a way to work with a balance with time.. 

To a very large extent, my thoughts keep rewinding to my childhood. One of the bittersweet blessings of parenting is it brings back such achingly beautiful memories of my childhood in Koramangala, my weekends at Vasanthnagar with Ajji Thatha and Atthe Mama Nidhi, the quality time my parents would give me as we did art, went on walks, played lots of games, solved puzzles, read books and so many many things. Such a simple, uncomplicated existence that was. 

Another joy has been watching my husband transform from not just a loving and caring partner but also an intuitive father who understands both mom and son and makes time for both. It’s a learning curve for all three of us. 

Growing up with a grandparent is a special privilege and Babba is lucky to be pampered by Anamma who adores him. Her presence brings out his naughtiness and his playfulness is hopefully going to keep her active and cheerful. 

A lot is happening in the world at this moment and it makes one wonder, what sort of world are we really in.. What is going to happen to the world in future.. There are no answers... We can only hope.. :) 

Privilege.

 To see the world through the eyes of an infant,

Where everything is bright, shiny and different.

To watch their eyes widen with joy and wonder

Where even the smallest things can make them giggle and coo.

With a heart so full of love unconditional, 

With a mind so serene and pure

You are our dream come true.

To live life in your own little pace, 

Watch the world with the same excited face,

All I want to do is cater to your little needs,

And keep you forever in my embrace.

Grateful for the little lessons you teach me,

For making me aware of how much more I can be,

For changing my thinking from me to ‘we’

And making us a family of three. 

A moment.

The other day, I made some time for myself for a quick walk in the park. A seemingly innocent activity but I realized how much background effort is required just for this simple activity. 

There was N aunty who was ensuring breakfast was being prepared, D Akka who was with Babba along with my MIL and husband and of course, I had kept a stash of milk ready before I left. 

It seems so complicated, right? Except I am realizing how grateful I am to be able to have a system in place that gives me these breaks.

But that’s not my point. My point is, I saw a lady, probably in her 50s, swinging in the park. The image was so beautiful, I have it etched crystal clear in my mind. The joyful abandon with which she was swinging, her hair flying carelessly in the wind and her face turned up towards the sky, soaking in the moment, so reminscent of our childhood days, spent on slides, swings and merry-go-rounds.

I just felt so happy to see her there, doing what makes her happy, being there for herself and reliving a core childhood pleasure.

New Designation. Part 2

While the birth of the baby gives you the title of mother/ father; it is truly through time and experience do you really begin to earn it. 

After the initial endorphin rush settled and we made our way back home from Mangalore after a slight extension due to night of phototherapy, we slowly began to come to terms with how our lives have completely and irrevocably changed with the arrival of a little one who is so new into this world, so dependent on us for his most basic needs and undeniable made our lives so much more meaningful.

I will not deny, I found the first two to three weeks hardest (so far!). A lot of it had to do with me being a paediatrician and wondering constantly if I was feeding adequately, why my baby was not gaining weight and of course, the sleepless nights. Nothing can prepare you for the sleepless nights, not even the work experience of night duties at busy hospitals. But as the weeks go by, there comes a quiet pride in watching their contented smiles, even if they decide to bestow you with that smile at 2am. 

It also made me realize that it indeed takes a village to raise a child. Even with a preplanned support system, the first 2-3weeks seemed absolutely draining. It wasn’t just the erratic sleep and 2nd hourly feeding, it was my body recovering after a major event. 

Of course, at the back of my mind I was (and still am) always telling myself that women all over the world do this, so whats the big deal, why do you think this is hard. But of course, perceptions are different and everyone is allowed to have their own experiences.

Another aspect that is constantly crossing my mind is the comparison between the kind of parenting I received vs the one I am doing and I don’t think I can match up to those standards. However, I realized that I should look forward to create our own story rather than look backward to recreate my story. As is often reiterated, there is no “best” parent technique. Every parent tries to be the best for their child. 

These sombre musings aside, it has also been a time for all of us to discover the child in us as we make our silly attempts to make him coo, giggle and smile. There is never a dull moment when he is awake and though the timetable is dictated by his sleep schedule, we manage to get things done nevertheless.

Watching him grow, observe and learn from his surroundings is exciting and reminds me of the days spent watching Divya ace her milestones. The excitement for her first roll over, her first crawl, sit and stand are all still etched in my memory. The days were hectic but somehow, we got through them.

So much of this phase has made me realize how my training as a paediatrician was always focused on “sickness” rather than also learning equally about healthy child. So much of the advice I had given to breastfeeding mothers seemed theoretical in hindsight and being a parent truly improved my insight as a paediatrician. 

As we embrace this new chapter of our lives, adapt to the changes and look forward to the new member of our family, it also leaves me torn between wanting to devote all my time in the coming months watching him grow and also wanting to get back to work and slowly build my practice as a paediatrician. Somewhere between the two, I must find a midway and try to make it work with the help of a support system.

We also took a small trip to Sringeri by December end and Babba loved it. He was cooperative and managed to sleep without a cradle even though it was quite cold at night. 

We have a short trip coming up next week followed by a longer trip to Bangalore where he will get to meet his great grandma and great grandpa hopefully and also many aunts uncles!

Until then, adios!