Unwelcome Relief.

So here's an attempt to try and look at the brighter side of things. Perhaps the holidays are not what I had hoped for but there's a month to go and it doesn't hurt in the least to look at the glass half full. :)

The idea is to complain less and appreciate the good things. I finally got to meet Sanjana after she did the classic trick of pretending to be mad at me and pop up at my place when I least expect it! It was the most unexpected thing at probably just what I needed then. The following day, I met Pingi and we had the usual banter just that suddenly 23 seems like a bigger number than the time when we were little kids without dreams as high as the sky!

So Di and I tried building the DJ Krishnu DogBot and the gears weren't all that flexible so we tried doing the TurtleBot which was partially successful but here again we were thwarted by the gears which just don't seem to coordinate. Yet, it's interesting to put them all together and watch the wheels in motion, if only slightly when placed in sunlight/ close proximity to a 100W bulb. :)

 I think the best part is having Di urge us to try and fix the loopholes, reading the instructions herself and trying to set up the whole thing. 

Probably my most prized possession till date! <3

This is just the setting sun!

 So last week was the much awaited Super Moon/ Blue Moon/ Red Moon with the Lunar Eclipse touted to be a once in 150 year phenomenon so Di and I headed to Lalbagh along with Sahana where I was actually surprised to see people spanning all age groups in large numbers. While the Red Moon eluded us for the most part, we did see a spectacularly bright moon later which was captured appreciably in Pingi's phone. 

The Culinary Diaries:

These holidays have been spent trying to gain some experience in the culinary department, if nothing else. What began with the initial basics of Rasam, Sambar, Palya and Batter preparation has progressed to a variety I (and Di!) are interested in. 

We've dabbled in Gobi Manchuri, Palak Paneer, Alu and Gobi Parotas, Masala Puri, Pani Puri, Pav Bhaji, Godhi Biscuits, Sweet Pongal and even some lip smacking Paneer Tikka that was in short supply after increased demand. :)

Pardon the pathetic 'plating skills',
I don't have the finesse of your television chef!

The second picture, is the all too familiar Sabudhana Kheer 
which we tried with some jaggery instead.

So you might have heard of Sabudana or Tapioca Pearls which Amma needed for a craft item she was trying out and I tried out this recipe and it turned out just fine. It's basically a Maharashtrian Recipe and it made for a good evening snack. Aided of course, by Di, who helped in every stage of it's preparation. :)

 Check out the recipe here :) 

The evenings from Tuesday to Friday are spent in the art class where little ones come home to learn drawing and painting. I'm usually assigned the youngest of the lot (the ones who believe they are Baahubali, the ones who show me the gap in their toothy smile, and the ones who ask for an 'ice-cream star' for drawing neatly) so it makes for interesting evenings. :)

When he knows only Bengali and
I know only basic HIndi

The one who wants to
draw cars, ships and trains :)

So I finally caught up with Padmaavat and was rather in awe of the Rajput culture, couture and the grand set up from their glittering palaces to the intricate details in their designer wear. Not to mention the stellar expressions, the stories conveyed through mere eye contact and yes, a mention to the maniacal ruler that is Khilji. Of course, it is a movie and just that. History cannot be gleaned from the same since it is after all, an exaggeration of reality or perhaps a portrayal of a work of fiction (Padmavat was a poem by Mallik Muhammad Jayasi).

On an other note, I recently noticed the stark contrast between myself and my close(st?) relatives whom I FINALLY caught up with. Perhaps it stems from my own disinterest that has built over time, or the paucity of time during the course of the academic year or the convenient excuse to attribute it to the prevailing situation; but I find myself in the dark about civic issues. In the sense, I am aware, yet I am not pro-active in the least. While it is commendable that they are part of ECO groups, active members of the Welfare association, plant saplings in the neighborhood, initiate and conduct a fest in their area,  organize e-waste collection drives and protest against Modi's flex banners in the event of his arrival in Bangalore, I'm currently living through each day, trying to make sure Di packs her bag and gets to her van in time, making her a snack for the evening and trying HARD to get her to open her books and read. Yes, this is from the same person who once started a nature club and tried to get people to be more eco friendly. 

I really think it's about how much of an effort we make to fight and buy time for the things that matter to us. After all, everyone has a busy schedule these days with the constant struggle between work and family but perhaps we can all steal some time for anything that WE feel deserves some attention. :)

Here's hoping for a good week! Cya readers. 

As for the title? look up "caregiver burden".

UnLearn.

Hello dear Readers (if any left..)

The past few weeks have been stressful to say the least. It was enlightening, humbling, disappointing, hopeful and yes, a lot of other adjectives. I think a major part of it was spent in fear and despair alternating with a state of panic provoking rapid action until the next wave would hit. I never thought I would question my choice of career or even spontaneously burst into tears owing to the exam stress.

Part of this is because when you’re in a hostel, you are with people trying to navigate the same kinda boat so you can’t really tell them how difficult you find boat riding and also when you’re conversations with your family are more on the lines of:

 “How are you doing?

I’m OK.

Okay? Okay.”

What I realized (much, much later) was that we can and we must be able to filter out how much of the stress we want to feel. Or anything else for that matter; we hold the keys to the amount of emotion we bring to the surface.

So coming to the pre exam era, I timed my meals with BP and we did a little of combined reading towards the very end and magically enough, there would be a few questions from our chosen topics. Sanjana and I would panic together, discuss a lot and then feel a little hopeful. Truly, it felt good to know how things are going on with someone else and clarify even the seemingly silly doubts! A special mention to the absolutely irrational obsession I had developed over my hair and the varying extent of damage it had suffered over the past few months thanks to my neglect and oh my my, that pure bliss when you finally go and get a haircut and feel damn good about yourself after a long time!! (You may split in piece for all I care now, I am a happier woman now B) )

 

During the exams, I had a lot of rituals. Now is where you begin to question my sanity but here goes:

• I HAD to wash up and THEN have my breakfast BEFORE 8 AM.
• I had to consume exactly two M&Ms on all days (so that it would last until the end of my last exams.
• I had to consume 1 Milano for each subject around 11 AM
• I had to have a spoonful of Nutella.
• And lastly, I HAD to have a spoon of Bella just before I left for the exams. (That wasn’t really a good idea considering its granular extra sweet aftertaste but RitualsMustNotBeViolated so it was duly followed.
• I also HAD to leave the room by 1.10 and arrive at the exam hall with Accamma ONLY by 1.30, then sit and breathe deeply until they gave the papers at 2.00PM

I later realized that this was all a cunning plot by my sly brain to pilfer more and more food until I was nearly always eating something/ just finished eating something. I barely allowed myself to feel any hunger until I would happily pounce on some Ragi/ Sprouts/Fruits/ Chocolates/Biscuits.

Coming to other matters, as a part of boosting my dwindling morale, here’s a lowdown on the year that was:

• Visited the Oh So Pristine Beaches of Andaman and Nicobar and gave a shot at Scuba Diving.
• Had my first Solo trip on my Birthday to Gokarna
• Tried my hand at Pleural Tap (even though I was only partially successful)
• Presented an adequately decent case in Paediatrics
• Read Psychiatry and did well in the state level quiz with Abhi
• Tried something I had become curious about.
• Did well in the Quiz at SIMS with Govi.
• Went to Delhi, Agra and Amritsar with classmates and juniors after endless train journeys and busy metro rides. Fell more in love with the idea of travel.
• Presented a Psychiatry Case and managed to win some books and $$
• Revisited Gokarna with AbhiBP and soaked in some more Vitamin Sea.
• Visited Kuppalli, Kavaledurga, Kundadri and Shringeri.
• Hosted Sanjana in Shimoga and finally caught up on our much needed girl time.
• Attended enough marriages to start dreading them for the likely conversations one gets entangled in. But let’s get dressed up anyway
• Made new friends (Anul, Naman, Robab and Bhargava), learnt to see newer perspectives, discover new ideas and share common interests.
• Learnt how much my existing friends mean to me. Lost a few friends too (prolli?)
• (Trying to) Learn to bother less about what she/he says/thinks. Learnt that I don’t owe an explanation except to the ones who matter to me.
• (Beginning to) Learn to accept people for who they are, understand why they are the way they are and just appreciate their existence in your life without question. It might make life easier for all you know..
• Learnt how much I miss Di. Beginning to appreciate how perceptive she is for a child her age, for everything she has seen and continues to see and yet remains one of the most enthusiastic kids I’ve been around.
• Learning to apologize/set things right with people and not just leave a blank space. (Atleast, try to.)
• Learnt how you need to believe in what you do. Learnt that you must not compromise on your beliefs. Realized I was happy at the end of the day when I had done what was right. Learnt to voice my opinions aloud and take a stance, to understand my own needs and desires better and thus have more coherence.
• Learnt that distance does NOT matter to keep true friendships alive. Thankful to the days I had Sanjana, Pingii and Anusha to just share our thoughts and woes and HOWTHEHELLCANIREADSOMUCHINSOLITTLETIMEIAMSODED kinda conversations.
• Learning to live and love life with each day, feel grateful for the things you’ve been blessed with and try to be a better person, even if, in the smallest way.

So apart from this abysmally long list, I’ve also begun to realize how much more I need to work in order to get where I want to get. I just hope the coming year will be a lot more fruitful and productive. Currently, I’m wondering what the hell I’m going to do on NYE in Shimoga considering how I stayed back keeping the practicals in mind and my panic prone pre practical phase.

Here are my heartfelt wishes for the upcoming year, for all the challenges ahead, the excitement and to the journey! :) <3

Exulansis

When you no longer see what you once saw, you are filled with a mixture of wonderment and regret. Wonder for the complexity of the fluctuant brain and regret for lacking the visual acuity or rather, for the clouding of one's vision. Everything that you once chose to ignore is now all that you can see.

It does make me feel like a bad person but to lie through my teeth would be more hurtful. The last time I had this 'epiphany' was months after I left Deeksha..

Is it a trick of the mind? A weakness of will? A change of heart or dawning of consciousness?

When you develop the habit of pushing every discomforting thing 'under the carpet', you get a big mound of dust in your living room that can no longer be ignored.
When you have no answers for these questions and when you only have more questions for yourself, you know there has been an irrevocable change. This has also made me consider the role reversal and its only when you put yourself in another's shoes and walk a mile do you realize what you might have put someone through...

Do I have to have one good week and then a not so good week to set right the balance in the universe? Last week was a good one with some notemaking and the happy discovery of 2nd year Patho, Pharmac and Micro notes which actually make a lot more sense now, followed by surprise-ish visit by MaPaDi and we lit sparklers at Jewel Rock to celebrate our kind of Deepavali, two rounds of strawberry cheesecake with AbhiBP and later with FroggieTheFoolest and of course, the joy of new mail!

I don't know if its a seasonal blip or the negativity tumour that I'm seeding inside me but I've been in some kind of zone lately. And sometimes anything, from an unexpected friend's words of encouragement (Thanks to Dixi) to a few words by my Pingu to my unwavering source of support (Sanjj), I do know I am thankful for all the goodness of people around me. Help comes from unexpected quarters, at the least expected moment and makes an impact.

So we watched this movie, Secret Superstar and it was not bad but for some of the dramatic histrionics and saccarine sweet quality to the narrative culminating in a fairly predictable ending.

So I was talking to Di today and she tells me her favourite song is ALSO 'Nachde Phira' and we began to discuss our favourite songs (She finally has a new favorite song after Tu Jo Mila!)

No therapy like girl talk (ladies gossip?) with my Maa about everything under the Sun from which relative turned up at which wedding to what the neighbourhood auntie has been upto to everything else! :)

What's the best thing to do after a day of Preterm Labour, Breech Presentation, Post Partum Haemorrhage and some Abnormal Uterine Action with your mind in running its own commentary of doom in the background? That's right, scale up the notch and watch Ae Dil Hai Mushkil to test yourself. :))

Laugh at yourself a little more, don't hesitate to shed those tears and above all, remember, you are probably not alone. :)

Caffeinatedly yours,
J

pre Monday Morose Musings of a Medico

Maybe I should make a To-Do List of all the things I want to blog about before I commence because I actually have many musings to put down.

Anyhoo, Last week I made what will probably be the last Bangalore visit for the year. The journey to Bangalore was actually good. I travelled by the morning train after quite a long time and there’s nothing like a some rainfall, pleasant music and a good weekend to look forward to. It was Di’s Birthday so we had the usual cake cutting and balloons kind of party.

On our return journey, we happened to strike a conversation with two college girls travelling to Shimoga as a part of the ball badminton team from Maharashtra participating in the nationals.

I definitely had a good experience trying to converse with them in my defunct Hindi (“Aap Kahaan se Ho? Nagpur ke saamne? Wahaan ke Orange acche hai na?” and other cringeworthy moments.) Furthermore, they were from Chandrapur , Sevagram and other areas in the interior of Maharashtra and were travelling together for the first time. With great pride, the recounted how one of their seniors selected from a previous such Nationals tournament later went on to join the Olympic team. With their education being funded by a scholarship, they get good support from their family. Most of the compartment uncles asked for their story in turns and gave appreciative nods while the aunty beside me underplayed the whole scenario. (“Swalpa nu English baralla alva? Nagpur Orange enu chanagiralla, Chikmangalore oranges eh chanagiradu.” and other face palm worthy moments).
While Shimoga was inundated with heavy rains the same evening, here’s hoping those girls go far ahead and shine. :)

This week has been hectic to say the least. Getting back to college, we had to finish with the OBG end posting which was taken by Arathi ma’am who had a LOT of questions.

After the Surgery internals were announced (which clashed on point with the South Zone Quiz), we had some running around and letter writing to do which were all duly rejected until further intervention from the Psych Dept ensured that we would take the internals with another term a few days later.

After this came the BNET quiz for which I didn’t really prepare but tried to read up on some Anatomy and our present portions. While I barely scratched the surface of Anat, I must mention how I felt quite happy that day because reading from BDC brought back some memories of Vasudha ma'am explaining the structure with the brain in hand. I really wish I could go back to her just to listen to her teach!

When I got all excited and made stick figure man notes! :')

And so we set off to Dharwad from the hostel around 5AM, boarded the direct bus, alighted at Hubli and finally made it to the sprawling SDM campus. While initially there were no other contestants in sight, they made their appearance by the aforementioned time and the quiz began with an initial MCQ based prelims.So the prelims had about 50 questions in 50 minutes and we did quite well! The finals had about 5 rounds including a rapid fire. While we didn't make it in the finals, BP and Disha came second and will represent our college at the finals in Bangalore. :)

After some snacks at their canteen, we set off towards Hubli to board the bus back to Shimo. We had a make shift meal of Jolada Roti and Random curry and Rice at a nondescript hotel as dinner and headed back to the hostel by 1am.

I had typed a LENGTHY paragraph on my phone which I didn't save and thus I have more reasons to be a grouchy git.

There's always something new to see, some new experience every time I travel.

The little one who began crying when the bus started because his grandpa hadn't got back yet.
The woman who patiently picked out the lice from her husband's head even as he bowed down to her.
The old woman who couldn't stop arguing with the conductor at the top of her shrill voice until another passenger explicitly asked her to shut up.
The young boy looking out of the bus at the young girl standing outside in the evening drizzle; sharing a wordless moment, perhaps until their next reunion.
The lost puppy on the road, the mentally ill man grinning away to glory, the hen on the bus making eerie sounds and the woman crying in the ER..

I could go on but you get my drift; every person, every moment is a story in itself if you bother to look.

So why am I a grouchy git? After yesterday, I felt I am lacking on SO many Basic levels. I mean, there are things you should know and those that are good to know (i.e will be useful later). There is no point trying to work on the second category when you have some loopholes in the first itself. I feel I did not reason out enough but that stemmed from not being aware/sure of so many things to make the necessary connection. Anyhoo, got enough and more on my plate for now!

So by this virtue, I cannot attribute my happiness to any physical entity, person or event. Which would mean I would have to feel intrinsically happy. Does this mean the happiness one gets from any of the above is not to be encouraged because we would be dependant on it? Or is the fear that the deprivation of them would cause us to feel sad?

I don't think I can blog much in the coming weeks (this is the lame lie I come up with every 15 days -_-) but I think it wouldn't be a bad idea to blog instead of spreading my neurotic tension to everyone around me.

On another note, I should probably update my status on all media and issue a public notice that I am not responsible for my lousy acyclical moods; the fault is in Rguhs. -_-

I haven't heard too many new songs lately but I think the old ones more than compensate for it. Am I the only one who feels that moments can be recreated with music? And that the happiness you feel with these pleasant recollections, is probably enough? As in, an old some heard in childhood brings back some cherished memories, the ones from school actually make me laugh because we are all so naive.. :) (Did you know That is her favourite song? It's such a bad song XD)

Further more, I am often torn between having the everything that happens is for the best kind of mindset to the 'No, of course not, why try to see good in bad' kind of comeback. The best resort would be to ignore both and just do what has to be done. (I Didn't say I do that all the time; don't assume.)

Confusedly yours,
J

YOLO

There’s just so much going on lately that there’s been no time to sit down and blog it out  and yet the urge to pen down my thoughts only gets stronger.

I probably can’t provide a detailed account of everything that’s happened lately but here are the highlights:

• Aynur scenes on Manjushri’s Gaadi with Abhi (all because we didn’t want to stay on campus on that particular evening). We went ahead by 13kms and then realized that we’d already crossed Aynur so we drove back and then made our way to Aynur Dam (which doesn’t exist. It’s a lake which was drying up) but nevertheless we had a good time racing on the highway until the gaadi became all wobbly!

                          

 

• Home scenes: I’ve been going home every 10 days or so and things are improving only very slightly. Bheemi is bored at home since Science camp is over, the 3 day outdoor camp is also over and there’s nothing to do other than bug the birds or Ma. I’m not sure where things are headed but I’ve got the knack of filtering out these worries from my brain and feeding new ones when I get back to college. I wish I could spend more time with her given how she doesn’t play with the neighbourhood kids or by herself. The comparisons with the present scenario and the seemingly idyllic childhood that I had only puts more pressure on everyone and I hope once school starts, the usual routine will put everyone back in gear.

• Mama and his Toastmasters:

I haven’t spoken much about the famous Balu Mama (yep, he’s quite famous among my friends) here and this seems like a good time. So being the CFO of Fidelity, he is definitely a busy man but his dedication to his passion is noteworthy. Initially it was music and he made time for it and attended the classes in the midst of tiny tots and improved gradually. Today he sings well during Karaoke sessions at home with other fellow music lovers.

About 2 years ago, he took up Toastmasters to improve his public speaking skills given how he is required to speech to large gathering in his work capacity. I’ve been listening to his speeches and reading his scripts from his early days and I can only marvel at the improvement he has shown over time. The effort he puts in for every weekly speech is noteworthy given how he spends most of his time at office or in transit. These days he is participating in competitions and making waves in the Toastmaster circles. Given how he is now mastering the finer nuances of the art of oration, I can no longer provide any criticism to his speeches.

The other day we were at Cubbon for Di’s mountaineering class and Mama presented his speech. He describes how in his college days, cricket was his passion and in one such match, he was fielding and his arch rival was batting. While the ball came in his direction and he caught in the nick of time, not many knew that it had crossed the boundary line. While that remained within him and nagged him in spite of winning the match, it was only later in life did he face the bigger challenge.

While working in one of the international banks in his younger days, he was offered a senior position if he agreed to certain terms and conditions. On closer looks, he realized what they expected of him was unacceptable and would only land him in a soup later. It was a tough choice and the promise of luxury was inviting but the burden of guilt would be too much and nothing was worth the peace of mind he could have. Thus he left and began working is way up all over again in Fidelity.

Thus, we are often faced with tough decisions in life, sometimes the line between what is right and what is wrong is a thin one and not everyone might appreciate it but as long as you can see the line, you need to exert your will power and do the right thing.

I’m also thankful to him for making a huge difference in the light of recent events. Words cannot express how his timely intervention softened Pa’s stance. I only shudder to think of how things would have progressed if not for him. Whatever he said definitely had an impact and made Pa look at things slightly more broadly.

• Demedcon 2016

So we attended the Neurology workshop and the quiz at Devraj Urs Medical College. BP, Govi and I had a good time.

• Abhi and Avm were in Bangalore in the same week and we all (including BP and Govi) spent some time together. Di and I joined them later at BlueO and we spent time bowling, Di had some Gaadi scenes of her own and then headed home. Di did a lot of photography and turns out she was not half bad. The evening was memorable one but the evening didn’t go along expected lines but maybe hoping for it to was just my foolishness.

• There are plenty of thoughts running in my mind but I don’t think they deserve the importance of me brooding over them. Nothing is constant. It’s all about priorities. Happiness is a choice, a conscious decision and once you make it, it's not about the circumstances you are in. It's about the way you choose to react to it. A wise frog once said, react to yourself and not for others. It's best to deal with your thoughts within your own cranium rather than expecting others to understand. 

• I participated in the 5K Speakathon on May 1 which was to raise funds for the speech and hearing centre in Shimoga. A good number of people turned up and several of our professors were all set for a good jog on a Sunday morning. So Shobith was also participating in the event so he picked us (Akkamma, Varsha and I) and we registered and got our Tees. It wasn't all that tiring and we jogged/ brisk walked for the most part and got our certificates. After the mandatory photo session we all parted ways. It was a good start to the day and definitely a great initiative in Shimoga. I wish I was fit enough to participate in the 10k! Maybe next year :)

• And the countdown begins! I’m thrilled to bits about the upcoming trip and can’t wait for this vacation. After all the uncertainty and confusion in the past 2 months, all I want to do is explore new territory and get lost in the midst of nature! I’m going to stay off the radar (hopefully) and do some much needed soul searching. Paediatric postings are at stake but then, you just can’t let go of some opportunities…. :P  

ENT internals are coming up over this weekend but all I can think of is what lies ahead. It’s about time I get back to Semicircular canals and turbinates.

When Newton was wrong.

When Newton was wrong.

This may seem cliché but I’d still like to say it. Every high school student worth his salt would know the 3 Newtonian Laws of Motion and if you were wacked enough (like mee) to apply it to everyday life then you’d disagree with them.

My pet peeve is the 3rd Law which proclaims that every action would have an equal and opposite reaction. Now, I’d just like to say that if you stopped reacting to everything (and that IS possible as I’ve recently discovered) you would be in a lot more peaceful state of mind. Of course it ain’t easy to hold back what’s at the tip of your tongue but believe me, there is an odd sense of satisfaction in knowing that the less said, the better.

Highlights of the past month include:

• Two trips to Bangalore in a span of 15 days. Spent time with Di watching Pingu and Frozen, making cards for amma and generally chatting about the problems in Rekha Chopra ma'am's class.  

• Attended Nammu’s sister’s marriage (My first experience at a North Indian wedding. Mind=blown.) They make the South Indian weddings seem like a really serious affair because there was so much music and dance everywhere not to mention food for the hungry souls. So BP and I attended the Sangeet and everything from the bright and colourful sets, dance numbers by all the family members from the tiny tots to the aunty uncle to the variety of cuisines was great. I realized I haven’t been to a wedding in ages! Can’t wait to have some wedding in the family so we can get involved in all the excitement. I also kind of realized that SO MUCH work goes into the big day that it’s actually scary and weird thinking of it.  

• Road trip scenes on gaadis for the first time this year on the Gajanur-Sakrebailuru route. Managed to get gaadi from the local Frog, soon others procured gaadis and we were off on a long ride. Being in the hostel, getting to go out of the city is a lovely feeling. These days, the PG classes are twice or thrice a week so we haven’t been out much. This was one beautiful evening. 

• Went to Hassan, met Sanjana, spent time around the campus and came back in a day. Informed MaPa on the way back. Pa: “You managed it on your own. Nice!”

• Ophthalmology postings have concluded and we have now commenced with Otorhinolaryngology postings (ENT)
• Finally convinced the muscles of my body to work it together and cleaned the pile of rubbish in my room to make it habitable. Now I don’t have visitors standing at the doorway wary to step inside the clutter bin. Oh well, they say a creative mind has chaos. I just have chaos inside as well as outside.
• Watched several good movies lately including:
• Sound of Music: Watched it on the train, enjoyed it. Made an old man’s day by giving him the movie since he got really excited when he saw what I was watching. He was rattling away the name of the actress and other movies of hers while I nodded absently. Who’d know that a 60 plus man from Bhadravathi would be so fond of the movie that he’d be willing to delete everything on his phone just for that movie!
• Dead Poet’s Society: Another beautiful movie with an unexpected twist in the end. Robin Williams plays an English teacher and inspires his students with his out of the box approach.
• To Sir, With Love: Yes, I’ve been watching some classics. :)
• Finally finished all the episodes of all the seasons of Modern Family! I can’t quite explain my addiction for this serial actually. Maybe it’s Phil Dunphy!
• There’s so much I have to do all I do is sleep or watch random stuff on the laptop
• I don’t belong here. AT ALL. I don’t belong anywhere. I feel “homeless” in a psychological way that I can’t explain. Do you know that feeling where you just do not feel at all? (yes, I know that didn’t sound right) But what I mean is have you ever not felt anything? Just empty and hollow when you’re actually supposed to feel angry or sad? These days I’m just like “chuck it, I can’t change what people think!” I mean, maybe you do owe an explanation to people who matter. But that number is thinning by the day and I’m strangely okay with it. 
• Why do we have the tendency to repeat the mistakes we’ve done? We know what’ll hurt us and yet we foolishly dig our own graves in some false delusion. If it’s about people, have the least expectations. If it’s about you, expect more from yourself. Always.
• Musicophilia:
• Kheench Meri Photo (there's something addictive) 
• Manma (don't judge me) 
• GF BF (Have you ever heard a song somewhere and struggled to remember it until you finally hear it again?!) 
• Love Yourself- Justin Beiber 
• Haminastu
• I'm friends with the monster- Rihanna 
• I need a vacation. ASAP
• THIS HEAT IS KILLING ME

It's Always A Good Time. :)

Hello there! 

There have been a lot of things going on lately. I guess it would make sense to use bullet points.

•  I’ve been making several online purchases and they include:
• Cuckoo’s Calling (Robert Galbraith)
• Paper Towns: John Green
• So basically it made for an okay-ish read. There were some concepts that I liked but the style and language wasn’t really the kind of literature that I would prefer. After reading refined English in classics, it is hard to find that quality of writing in recent authors. The themes may be relevant, the metaphors may be applicable but I find myself intermittently wondering why I am I reading something like this.
• Some of the quotes from the book that I liked:
•  It’s so hard to leave- until you leave. And then it’s the easiest goddamned thing in the world.
• If you don’t imagine, nothing ever happens at all.
• When did we see each other face-to-face? Not until you saw into my cracks and I saw into yours. Before that we were just looking into ideas of each other, like looking at your window shade but never seeing inside. But once the vessel cracks, the light can get in, the light can get out.

• Recently, there has been a growing popularity of the Dubsmash App in the Girl’s hostel. We got this fun app from Sana (Arsikere) and spent several days lip-syncing to some famous actor’s popular dialogue and then laughing over the same for the next few hours! This time, Di and I had a great time bonding over Dubsmash (“Don ko pakadna mushkil hi nahi, na mumkin hai” delivered by an angry Divya :P )

• I’ve been watching some movies lately and most of them have turned out to be good choices.
• Phantom: We watched this in the theatre and it makes for an interesting face paced thriller albeit without much room for emotions or drama but I suppose that’s how it’s got to be.
• Gabbar is Back: Happened to watch it on the way to Bangalore. Not bad, but nothing good either. The scenes regarding the money minded schemes of doctors could have been altered because it potrays the medical profession in poor light.
• Om Shanthi Oshana: A cute Mallu movie
• Shawshank Redemption: Back in Deeksha, I’d heard of this movie while playing dumb charades but never had a chance to watch it. A beautiful movie! 

•  I’d been home for the festival and I did the complete vratha after about 4 years. I’m so glad that I could be a part of the celebrations and the entire pooja went on smoothly all thanks to amma’s preparation that began a week in advance. There’s nothing like the satisfaction of being involved in the festival and wholeheartedly participating in the rituals. What we follow is what has been passed on from one generation to the next. In our quest to eagerly accept modernization/Westernisation we must not conveniently choose to forget tradition and culture. Another thing I sorely missed is singing (the Carnatic/light music kind). Although I sound like a pleasant frog at best, it has always given me some satisfaction to sing these songs. I’ve never really been comfortable to sing the same way back in the hostel so I refrain from bothering my vocal chords. We had a few guests over and when I had to sing, I realized that unlike what I read in textbooks, the songs I’ve learnt are etched as ROM (or is it RAM?! :’) ) in my brain and *touch wood* has not evaporated even though it’s been a decade since I learnt some of the songs.

*Experiments*

Family Selfiee!

Pooja scenes :)

• Some of the latest songs that are reverberating in my mind include:

o   Saaware : Phantom

o   Beautiful Now : Zedd

o   Run Away With Me : Carly Rae Jepson (A carefree, cheerful song)

o   Gulabi: Sachin-Jigar (morning suprabatham)

o   Shut up and dance with me (Such an infectiously happy song!)

o   Zehnaseeb (from the movie Hasee to Phasee)

• These holidays, I also visited a close relative which was pending since a long time. The visit was something I will cherish for a long time but it also brought forth the reality of old age. At no other juncture does one feel so lost and vulnerable. For a person who’s always been actively engaged in work, it’s hard to learn to sit back and relax. It’s hard to accept the limitations that age imposes on you and that eventually take a toll on your confidence. Another aspect is how it’s hard for those around them to also accept that the person they knew is no longer the same. Yet it’s important to remain hopeful and instil confidence on them. I wish I’d made this visit earlier, but I’m happy that it finally materialized after almost 2.5 years.

• We had been to this Bharatanatyam program on Saturday where Adi had a few performances. As always, Adi danced well and so did all the tiny tots with bobbing head movements and wide-eyed expressions. To cultivate any hobby or talent is an achievement and truly noteworthy. As Amma frequently says, it is a “sadhana” and if not done when the opportunity is given, there is no room for regret later.

• September has had several birthdays and this has led to considerable excitement in our group. Abhi’s Birthday was on 20^th and BP and I began hatching a plot a fortnight ago and later Govi and Avm also joined the conspiracy. It all began at 12 AM when she cut a small but delectable chocolate truffle in the hostel. There was nothing eventful after this and the next morning BP and I rushed to breakfast making sure we left the birthday girl behind. After the customary oil drenched dosas we briefed Govi about the Plan Of Action and then the two of us headed to VP’s place who had agreed to play host to us madcaps. Icaboo hovered around and guided us in preparing the relatively simple cooker cake. Later BP left for some purchases with Avm. Icaboo and I saved the cake from becoming a soggy mess by some herculean efforts and I began working on the clues. After the two returned, we began to put everything in place. Meanwhile, Govi was entrusted the responsibility of keeping Abhi engaged (since the 3 of us were ignoring her calls) so they went to a temple and later to a boating site in Bhadravathi. After carefully co-ordinating the timings such that we don’t end up running into each other and after sealing the garnished cake, we rushed to college and set up the clues for the treasure hunt. At long last, we began with the cake cutting and the cake was demolished in no time. Thankfully, it was more than edible!  After this, there was some more running around to ensure that the clues were placed appropriately and then, we began. It included places like the first room that Abhi lived in when they joined the hostel, the perennial source of food and her favourite hangout in the hostel (my room), her native place (the library) and the solitary tree in the middle of the field which was our “Getaway” once upon a time. Having succeeded in making Abhi run around, we sat down and did the next most appropriate thing to do: click pictures! It all ended on a good note to a large extent and after this we retired to the cosy confines of our rooms.

Surprises and gifts, endless selfies, cake baking sessions with Icaboo and
running around for the treasure hunt :)

• In the evening, Abhi decided that she would treat us. The localites managed to arrange an extra vehicle for us and I got the opportunity to ride with Abhi. The best things are reserved for the last, they say and so it was. It began on a shaky start and I’m glad that Abhi had the confidence to sit on the pillion. Gradually I become acclimatized to the darkness, traffic and the chill when we raced against the wind. Nothing can beat the joy of racing (ok, not really because the Purle Road is a bumpy ride with potholes and road humps lurking at every corner) and that too with someone confident enough to sit behind you! :P Yes, I was a teeny bit nervous but all that dissipated soon enough and Govi and Abhilash were kind enough to let me race ahead and scare any poor dog that dared to cross my path. At long last we reached the destination (Pizza Sky) safely and we began hogging. Later we proceeded to Ibaco below for desserts and then it was again time to ride! We had a photo session again (and also another while riding) and it was one amazing experience altogether! I don’t want to exaggerate but honestly, riding against the wind is like setting a caged bird free. The fact that this was at night only made it awesome-er. And the obedient daughter that I am, I did mention to MaPa that “I went on a ride and came back safely.” and received no reprimands. Honestly, the security guards at the gate seem to have given up on us! We’ve become habitual late-comers and because we take the required permission they can’t really complain. It all seemed like the perfect end to the day but there were some more events that threatened to leave a bitter aftertaste but it in the end, it’s all about what we choose to remember. 

Gaadi Scenes! :)

• The next day, it was Deepu’s b’day so there was another cooking session at midnight and in the evening it was time for the combined treat of the September borns (Likki, Abhi, Deepu and Hkm)  so we (The kodachadri gang – Nammu’s boyprend and +Sanju and Deepu) headed to Anmol for dinner. After another round of hogging and even chomping on some Chocolate Paan ( Yes, I’ve tasted it and it’s not bad after all) we headed back to college. (7 of us +the driver bundled in one auto!)

•  So today was the Ganesha Visarjan in college and there was music, dance and fireworks. As it has become customary, we did some customary prancing around in the name of dance and here I am now, blogging about the latest updates!

Just like drugs are detoxified in our body to make them less toxic and then removed, one needs to detoxify oneself to prevent accumulation of toxic thoughts and ideas. Irrespective of the surroundings, one must recognize what is toxic to ones’ own progress and what acts as a catalyst.

With the finals approaching in about 2 months, there is considerable tension palpable in the atmosphere and it’s about time I pull up my socks and get down to business.

I’m not sure if I can blog frequently anymore because time has become unbelievably scarce these days. I’ll be heading to Dharwad over the weekend for the Patho quiz so I’m hoping that it all goes well. Hopefully, I’ll complete part 2 of A Story. :)

Novus Actus Interveniens

Currently dormant on the blogosphere for a variety of reasons:

• Paucity of time. (5th term is hectic. A certain Sir’s sudden surge in the subject has led to unexpected assignments cropping up out of nowhere and monopolizing the weekends. What began with a harmless blood donation day related poster presentation then led to making mind maps on assigned topics, giving seminars on clinical pathology topics, writing descriptions for museum specimens and now for the actual (official) assignments in our records! Oh, and I was speaking of only Pathology. 3 other subjects are also demanding to be studied.)

• No 3G in my new room. (I’ve shifted one floor above (that explains for the lack of exercise) and I can barely get 2G in my current location so blogging has suffered a setback.)

• Writer’s block. I haven’t been reading much these days. I’ve realized that in my current schedule, I can’t possibly read classics which require long stretches at a time which I’m not able to devote. All I can do is snatch a few minutes during classes, postings or prior to bed. I’m currently reading The Winner Stands Alone by Paulo Coelho (thanks to Anu :) ) and it seems to be interesting (prompted my previous post) although the style of writing could have been a few notches higher. 

But today I have decided to blog come what may! So we’re currently in 5th term and our exams are fast approaching (all the faculties take great pains to remind us at every possible instant about this alarming fact.) and we’re now in General Medicine postings after a month of General Surgery.

During these Surgery postings we saw a lot of ulcers (traumatic, diabetic ulcers in aged individuals, trophic ulcers, varicose (venous) ulcers, arterial ulcers and so on..) and swellings (in the neck region, in the inguinal region, lump in the breast, etc ). We also had to present cases (where once again I exhibited my unfailing talent of making a flop show (I must say, I’m getting good at this! -_-) and we had classes as well. Some were taught by the new surgeon Dr Nagaraj who’s joined Subbaiah after his stint in McGann and he seemed to give us some orientation from the examination point of view. Some others were taught by Aarthi maám (where once again I was distracted by that haircut), Gopinath Sir (who looks for opportunities to show us that he can he sarcastic) and of course, the HoD and Principal of the college who can be described as enthusiastic and passionate (to say the least. This is an online platform, after all) and he ensured that our lunch breaks were reduced to a 15 minute affair on numerous occasions. Nevertheless, I saw my first (and only) surgery (appendicectomy) performed by him during these postings. (an interesting, yet odd experience)

Another interesting update that I must mention is about Pathology. So in an earlier post I’d mentioned about the preliminary round of a Pathology quiz held in our class. As luck would have it, 10 of us were selected for the next round and a quiz was conducted for 5 teams of two participants. We weren’t really given much help regarding the quiz but we just told to read as we normally would and prepare for some embarrassment. As things unfolded, BP and I were a team while Abhi and Bharat were another. The formation of teams was a major confusion created quite a bit of pandemonium. In the weekend leading up to the quiz, the tension was palpable in the air and I was at my wit’s end given that there was also a CSF analysis to be presented on the same afternoon. BP and I spent a good part of the weekend reviewing people and topics of interest over the internet and that proved to be a boon to us the following day. The quiz was interesting we managed to open our account in the first round with a few guesses of the names of the scientists and other famous people. (Giemsa, Barbara McLintock, Papanicolou, Henrietta Lacks..) We faltered in the following rounds, partly due to our carelessness (Fat Embolism) and partly due to stupidity (Etiology) but we tried to cover up for it in the Rapid Fire. We came a close second with 80 points after Abhi and Bharat with 85, and this means that come 26th September, we will head to SDM Medical College, Dharwad for the Pathology Quiz. About the quiz, we need to study a LOTLOTLOT more than what we’re doing right now but Time is just not with us these days given that there is barely time to breathe in the midst of classes, postings, labs studies, records, assignments and yes, some time to unwind with friends..

As for the CSF analysis, we were a group of 5 and there was some or the contribution from 80% of us. 

(Not many people actually caught this bit. :P )

Technical Support:
Script: Karthik BV and Pawan
Videography: Harshit Krishna and Rajesh KH
Narrator: Jayashree Rao

I spoke about the indications for analyzing CerebroSpinal Fluid, the procedure and instruments used in Lumbar Puncture, the physical and biochemical analysis of CSF to differentiate between various etiologies of meningitis, CSF rhinorrhea and some other pointers that must be remembered while examining CSF (eg: one must analyze the sample within an hour of collection, one must not refrigerate the sample and so on.. ) Unfortunately for him, V Sir had to leave the middle of it but luckily for me it came an end without any major hiccup (or cough, literally speaking!)

Recently watched Phantom with friends and we followed this up with dinner at Anmol where we discussed the most controversial topics over the meal but it was an interesting evening on the whole. Off late, I haven’t been too choosy about the movies I’ve watched but we generally have a good time as we go as a group and have fun. Phantom made for a mildly interesting watch although it seems to be too fast paced with minimal room for interpersonal interaction. 

My current soundtrack includes:

• Gulabi (A slightly old song, from Shuddh Desi Romance but I’ve developed a fondness for it recently. The MTV unplugged version has a vibrant twinge to it so that’s better than the original in my opinion)
• Saware (by Arijit Singh, from Phantom)
• Chal Wahaan Jathe Hai (Arijit Singh)
• Tu Hi Re (an old song sung by Hariharan and Chitra)
• E Sanje and Dennana Dennana (Flute version) from the movie Rangitaranga

Often, I wonder how is it that some can let go and adapt so instantaneously while others take longer and some take forever. Is it all so ephemeral and fake? Is that what life really is about? Moving from one character to another from time to time? It comes down to this: There are some who attach much meaning to their relations with others, relationships, events, places and everything adds on to their memories. You could say they value every little thing in life, from a broken gift from a now distanced friend which they will refuse to throw away to every person whom they befriend /get acquainted with. And there are others who also have the same friendships, relations and so on, except that they do not attach meaning to everything in life. In such instances, it is easier to walk in and out of situations because there is a lot less baggage and bother. They are also less affected by changes, sudden shift of circumstances and any oscillations. Often, I wonder, which is the path to tread? In this fast paced world, it may seem appropriate to choose the second path because the first path is a classic case of thinking from the heart and not from the brain (although being a medical student, I must refrain from using such unscientific terms) and often only leads to disappointment. But the second one seems too mechanical and business-like to me. It might be the smarter decision but it may not be the one that makes me happy. It takes the innocence out of life if we can be so dissociated from what we feel and what we do. It might make me seem like a fool, but more often than not, I end up in the first case.

Coming to other matters of note, it appears that there will be no definitive changes in my boarding and lodging beginning in the near future. There has been a lot of confusion over this recently and I am mentally fatigued by thinking about the possible outcomes. I realized that I must be flexible to change, to adapt and evolve as the circumstances expect me to. I realize that happiness is every person’s birthright and I cannot covet that of another by my stubbornness. When you’re number is up, they’ll find you. I’m trying hard not to think too much or too far ahead or assume too much but just hope for the best and take it as it comes. It might seem irrational, unnecessary and daunting but it might bring the change that we are looking for. If I don’t believe that it will be possible, who else will?  Yet again, being reminded that there is an eerie resemblance to such events that occurred in the past, this whole concept appears daunting. There is a lot at stake and there is the fear of being left in the lurch but if I realize that I must let go of the cloud of negativity hovering above me and prepare to face the challenges as they come. After all, people take turns in a battle. One must enter the warzone when his compatriot is wounded.

It appears that I have blabbered endlessly and bored you all, yet I am filled with contentment. Nothing clears my head like a nice long blog post! :D

Too Little, Too Late.

So last Saturday was the trip to Kodachadri. One memorable trek with friends. We started at 4 AM, spent the early hours at Shivappanayaka Fort in Hosanagara (where we clicked loads of pigs) and then traveled to Kodachadri. We then traveled via jeeps on a bumpy road upto the guest house and had our breakfast and then began the trek uphill. We first visited the Shankaracharya temple and another cave-like temple and then returned to the guesthouse for lunch. After this we began another slippery trek towards Hidlumane falls on a damp drizzly route infested with leeches. After what seemed like forever, after several slips, falls and moments when I was sure I wouldn't make it, we all finally reached the falls and it sure was worth the arduous trek! We rushed into the waterfalls and the force of the water literally hit us like pellets of stones. After spending ample amount of time in the water, it was time to begin the trek back to the starting point and this was another challenge as part of the route was along the course of the rivulet. Thankfully we all made it before nightfall and refreshed ourselves in Hosanagar and then reached college by 10:30 PM. It was one of my first such experiences with friends and I couldn't have possibly made it without their help and support (and even taunts :P ) at every step of the journey! :) Here's wishing that we have many more such excursions in the future and explore uncharted territories. One of the things that made me happiest is the fact that Ma and Pa were glad about the trip. For me, it's a big step that they were happy about the trip and did not reprimand me for being a part of it. It gave me a lot of happiness to see that my parents understand my happiness and share the same. 

Post the trip, all of us were exhausted beyond description. It took us a day or two to get back to normal gait. It was with much reluctance that we submitted the "Patho Assignment" of a Mind Map of Polycythemia on the following Monday.

This weekend I'd been home since Di hadn't been keeping too well. We spent some time over NSO and IMO and then Di transformed into Harshaali Malhotra and I had the honor of a photo session with her. After the customary Baddie, shopping and Paakashala session we also watched a play at KH Kalasouda where Atthe, Mama, Nidhz and Ajji joined us. 

The play "Atheetha" is about a famous criminal lawyer who is presumed to have led a perfect flawless life. He is approached by a young lady for his Biography. After much ado, he agrees and begins the narration of his not-so-innocent life where his spotless record actually was just an illusion because beneath was a man who did not care for anyone but himself and his family suffers the consequences. He is beyond guilt because he rationalizes all his actions and does not seem to have a conscience. He shows no remorse for theft, adultery, forcing an abortion or losing a case on purpose as a favour for a politician. This happened to be the first intense play I've watched and the actors did a superb job and brought tears to many of us with their heartrending performance. 

So we had the Patho quiz today in class and I've done crappily enough to rule out getting selected. I feel unworthy of conversation with Icaboo after everything.

When the present becomes a repeat telecast of the past, it only fills you with dread. Currently using the device that I used in 2012-13 and it brings back some dark memories. Those were times when integrities were questioned, arguments were baseless and nights were endless. There were some terrible days then and I still wonder, why do we put up with it? Will there ever by an answer? Turns out that there isn't much difference between the past and the present except that no one has a clue what to do, no one has the energy left in them to deal with such horrors again and no one will ever voluntarily associate with us in such a state. This time, I'm not even around to do anything significant. When the people around us have metamorphosed beyond recognition, then, my friend, you are truly lost. 

All this seems like a wake up call that reality is not in fact, what I've been living. It is what I've been denying all along. It is indeed sad to hear that there is no use of education or employment when there is no compatibility between individuals. In life, any tide, any storm can be overcome when two individuals believe in each other. Without that, life is a misery to themselves and those around. The very foundations upon which your beliefs rest begin to crumble, leaving you orphaned to the brutalities of the world. It fills me with dread when I think about the future when the present itself is so bleak. There is no greater loss than the loss of hope. When one has lost hope that better days shall come, one is truly lost. It fills me with dread when I think about the ones who depend on me for better days. What am i if I cannot help those who require my presence in the hour of need? A coward? Or a selfish fool? What am I if I cannot give hope to those who have shown me that hope is everything? It is hard to digest that at the end of the day, dreams shall perish after being starved of hope and support. All the things that I had imagined since a child will remain etched as figments of a creative mind. Reality is a brutal whip that slashes across your tender hopes when you least expect it.

There's no running away from reality when it has decided to haunt you for the rest of your life. You might as well tell yourself you've been living a lie all along. 

I never promised to be nice.