UnLearn.

Hello dear Readers (if any left..)

The past few weeks have been stressful to say the least. It was enlightening, humbling, disappointing, hopeful and yes, a lot of other adjectives. I think a major part of it was spent in fear and despair alternating with a state of panic provoking rapid action until the next wave would hit. I never thought I would question my choice of career or even spontaneously burst into tears owing to the exam stress.

Part of this is because when you’re in a hostel, you are with people trying to navigate the same kinda boat so you can’t really tell them how difficult you find boat riding and also when you’re conversations with your family are more on the lines of:

 “How are you doing?

I’m OK.

Okay? Okay.”

What I realized (much, much later) was that we can and we must be able to filter out how much of the stress we want to feel. Or anything else for that matter; we hold the keys to the amount of emotion we bring to the surface.

So coming to the pre exam era, I timed my meals with BP and we did a little of combined reading towards the very end and magically enough, there would be a few questions from our chosen topics. Sanjana and I would panic together, discuss a lot and then feel a little hopeful. Truly, it felt good to know how things are going on with someone else and clarify even the seemingly silly doubts! A special mention to the absolutely irrational obsession I had developed over my hair and the varying extent of damage it had suffered over the past few months thanks to my neglect and oh my my, that pure bliss when you finally go and get a haircut and feel damn good about yourself after a long time!! (You may split in piece for all I care now, I am a happier woman now B) )

 

During the exams, I had a lot of rituals. Now is where you begin to question my sanity but here goes:

• I HAD to wash up and THEN have my breakfast BEFORE 8 AM.
• I had to consume exactly two M&Ms on all days (so that it would last until the end of my last exams.
• I had to consume 1 Milano for each subject around 11 AM
• I had to have a spoonful of Nutella.
• And lastly, I HAD to have a spoon of Bella just before I left for the exams. (That wasn’t really a good idea considering its granular extra sweet aftertaste but RitualsMustNotBeViolated so it was duly followed.
• I also HAD to leave the room by 1.10 and arrive at the exam hall with Accamma ONLY by 1.30, then sit and breathe deeply until they gave the papers at 2.00PM

I later realized that this was all a cunning plot by my sly brain to pilfer more and more food until I was nearly always eating something/ just finished eating something. I barely allowed myself to feel any hunger until I would happily pounce on some Ragi/ Sprouts/Fruits/ Chocolates/Biscuits.

Coming to other matters, as a part of boosting my dwindling morale, here’s a lowdown on the year that was:

• Visited the Oh So Pristine Beaches of Andaman and Nicobar and gave a shot at Scuba Diving.
• Had my first Solo trip on my Birthday to Gokarna
• Tried my hand at Pleural Tap (even though I was only partially successful)
• Presented an adequately decent case in Paediatrics
• Read Psychiatry and did well in the state level quiz with Abhi
• Tried something I had become curious about.
• Did well in the Quiz at SIMS with Govi.
• Went to Delhi, Agra and Amritsar with classmates and juniors after endless train journeys and busy metro rides. Fell more in love with the idea of travel.
• Presented a Psychiatry Case and managed to win some books and $$
• Revisited Gokarna with AbhiBP and soaked in some more Vitamin Sea.
• Visited Kuppalli, Kavaledurga, Kundadri and Shringeri.
• Hosted Sanjana in Shimoga and finally caught up on our much needed girl time.
• Attended enough marriages to start dreading them for the likely conversations one gets entangled in. But let’s get dressed up anyway
• Made new friends (Anul, Naman, Robab and Bhargava), learnt to see newer perspectives, discover new ideas and share common interests.
• Learnt how much my existing friends mean to me. Lost a few friends too (prolli?)
• (Trying to) Learn to bother less about what she/he says/thinks. Learnt that I don’t owe an explanation except to the ones who matter to me.
• (Beginning to) Learn to accept people for who they are, understand why they are the way they are and just appreciate their existence in your life without question. It might make life easier for all you know..
• Learnt how much I miss Di. Beginning to appreciate how perceptive she is for a child her age, for everything she has seen and continues to see and yet remains one of the most enthusiastic kids I’ve been around.
• Learning to apologize/set things right with people and not just leave a blank space. (Atleast, try to.)
• Learnt how you need to believe in what you do. Learnt that you must not compromise on your beliefs. Realized I was happy at the end of the day when I had done what was right. Learnt to voice my opinions aloud and take a stance, to understand my own needs and desires better and thus have more coherence.
• Learnt that distance does NOT matter to keep true friendships alive. Thankful to the days I had Sanjana, Pingii and Anusha to just share our thoughts and woes and HOWTHEHELLCANIREADSOMUCHINSOLITTLETIMEIAMSODED kinda conversations.
• Learning to live and love life with each day, feel grateful for the things you’ve been blessed with and try to be a better person, even if, in the smallest way.

So apart from this abysmally long list, I’ve also begun to realize how much more I need to work in order to get where I want to get. I just hope the coming year will be a lot more fruitful and productive. Currently, I’m wondering what the hell I’m going to do on NYE in Shimoga considering how I stayed back keeping the practicals in mind and my panic prone pre practical phase.

Here are my heartfelt wishes for the upcoming year, for all the challenges ahead, the excitement and to the journey! :) <3

This Or That.

They say I think in binaries. 0 or 1. Black or White. Good or Bad. Necessary or Unnecessary.  I see no in between, no intermediate entity. I have always had clear cut definitions. I don’t like blurriness; be it in my vision or in my perspectives. This is how I’ve always been. Do I want to change that? I don’t think so. That perhaps explains the uneasiness that gnaws within me.

There is so much I want to do. Am I really working in that direction? Or am I just working and waiting for everything to miraculously materialize? Ugh, I don’t know where this is stemming from but I’m feeling a lot of discontentment about myself. Is it probably inversely proportional to how ‘happy’ I momentarily feel?

I pride myself for my ability to not be influenced by the choices of those around me. It is one trait I hold close to myself hence, I’m pondering if I am consciously responsible for my actions or have I been influenced by those around me, willingly or unwillingly. 

Gokarna, March 2017 with Abhi and BP.

I don’t have the answers to any of these. I know I think too much, trust me, I don’t like it either that my brain keeps churning out such inane rubbish in the midst of an Aortic Aneurysm and I tuck away these thoughts in a tiny cubicle in my brain, assuring it that I will open the Pandora’s Box once I get the time to blog about it. :)

I want to talk a lot more but I don’t know if this is the medium to unload all my burdens, but it makes sense to reflect to oneself instead of somebody else because you will eventually hear an opinion, an advice, a suggestion or better still, a similarity in thought. All of which is unnecessary when all you need is a mirror. A plain mirror to lay the bare truth in front of your eyes; with all its ugliness, its scars, bruises and perfect imperfections. And that cannot come from anyone but me. (To cut a long story short, I find it as important, or probably more important to understand myself, consolidate my thoughts and be a whole person by myself than anything else. 

Or is this defensive attitude stemming from my fear of being influenced by new ideas and thoughts? 

What is nice may not be necessary and what is necessary may not be nice. 

In the end, nothing matters except what you believe in, what you stand for and what you do.

Subtleties are always better. I could write a million lines on everything I can imagine, which a far more powerful tool than reality is. I want my imagination back. I find much more beauty in metaphors, in an indefinite entity than in the raw face of reality. 
Maybe. 

And that reminds me;

http://scienceblogs.com/mixingmemory/2006/07/17/the-cognitive-science-of-art-r/

Read under ‘Perceptual Problem Solving’. I remember reading those very lines in VS Ramachandran’s Emerging Mind.

On an unrelated note, the marriage seems to have bitten the GRS family cousins as 2* more have fallen for the trap and wedding bells shall be ringing throughout this year. 

Jogging everyday hasn’t helped in physically (Let’s be honest :P ) but it certainly elevates my mood and automatically trashes all the clutter that I tend to attract with a magnet. -_-

Can’t wait to meet my super-achieving Minnulli over this month end (hopefully). :)

Bye Bye Old Faithful :)

(Trust me I’m not a raving lunatic who fondly addresses a virtual entity and distances actual people who listen to her. I just like me more.) 

SomatostatinSeratoninSuprarenalSynthase.

My blog doesn't entirely define who I am. And I'm certainly not defined by my blog. It's a space where I contemplate, document memories and share some of my thoughts.
So we (MaPaDiMe) had gone to a few places as a weekend getaway and it was a good break! We saw Yana, Sahasralinga, Sirsi, Sonda and finally the sunset in Gokarna Beach. Di frolicked in all places where she could splash about and it was great fun watching her antics (not to mention tiring too!)

I've been speaking to friends and each conversation makes me happier by a large extent. Yesterday it was Sanjana and Pingi. Today I bugged Sheepie dearest on her B'day.
Our Physio Dept regularly gives people the opportunity to present a seminar on a designated topic. Many of my friends have given seminars on topics from CVS, RS, CNS.. Each seminar is better than the preceeding one these days and every presenter puts in a lot of effort to give a seminar that captivates the sleep deprived, restless and fidgety bunch of students that we are.

College was fun today. I probably seemed weird and slightly crazy but it sure was fun. And Accented. :-D ( So basically I put on an accent. American-Australian ish. Certainly not British. And watching the stunned expression on people's faces was priceless!)
I had the attack of Guiltitis yesterday. I try sleeping around 2.30AM and sadly did not drift off into Dreamland. Instead I was swarmed by thoughts of how I have SO FRIKKIN' MUCH to do. Therefore I sat up and read some Physio and slept by early morning. XD
*KahoNaPyaarHai* *KoiMilGaya* Why have I started to like all old songs?!

Oh and btw, we've got a TV in our hostel. Not that I'm smitten in the least. There's no Star World, Zee Cafe or AXN. So MeNoCare.

Feb 14 2009. I celebrated VD declaring that chocolates were my Valentine on FB. They are the one true love of my life. Its a blessing that Nestle isn't so popular here. Else, I would have definitely splurged. Every other day, halt at Shoprite post school, buy a Nestle and head towards DGPB. And in Deeksha, Canteen Aunty associated Bhopie with Dairy Milk and I; Nestle! XD

Going to the beach meant a lot to me. Maybe a tiny part of me wanted to go to another beach down south but maybe not. It's just a feeling a comfort and security that we want at the end of the day. And it is possible to be self reliant at the end of the day.

“I think it’s very healthy to spend time alone. You need to know how to be alone and not be defined by another person.”

― Olivia Wilde

“Every time I stand before a beautiful beach, its waves seem to whisper to me: If you choose the simple things and find joy in nature’s simple treasures, life and living need not be so hard.” ― Psyche Roxas-Mendoza

I shall hopefully not blog until a respectable number of days have elapsed.

Board Not Bored exams this year.........

Hullo! Long time no see...

Really, I have so much to write about too...
Watching "You belong with me" for no reason...
School started and yeah I went to Sirsi etc and made a nice album of it too..Twas  a nice experience. Rural India is unspoilt and less crowded.Goks Beach was loveley and Yana was a wonderful sight. The Sonda mutt had a tranquil atmosphere which I had never felt anywhere before.And it was fun with Jyothi and Pooja.Not to forget Sigandur , Honnemardu or Marikamba temple.
Yes, I did miss that leadership program and that's why I'm going tomorrow. 
8 Days since school started and what should I say??
Sunday was Nidhi's Bday and I saw Twilight on Saturday!
He's not hot and she's not cute but together they make Twilight a lovely movie.
And Shrek was not bad either.Had 3 Ice creams! So that day was good except for the fact that I knew there would work PILED up..
Wrote and essay for C mam about "What I was supposed to do and what I ended up doing in the hols and why?" . I rather liked writing it.
School's as usual feeling diff that's all. Sanskrit new teacher. Oh, I got my papers too. What can I say? 8.5% depreciation.But 6% improvement in Sanskrit! Order now: S Me D. Last time: D Me S. I'm balanced.
So then Yesterday spoke to C mam and she gave Valuable tips.Try to follow them too.Started as a matter of fact. FB once a week. Lot of things to remember actually.

Me: I chatted with Samy the other day.
Nidhi: Samy who?
Me: Samaneh Jawad, Don't you know?
Nidhi: God! Why are you so into her?
Me: Really, I'm not.......!
Nidhi: Shut up!


I play better when you're not around and I'm calmer too. So don't come. - Me.( To myself. I wish I could tell it to the concerned person though.)


Your Love is my Drug - Ke$ha

I don't care what people say
The rush is worth the price I pay
I get so high when you're with me
But crash and crave you when you are away

So I got a question;
Do you want to have a summer party in my basement?
Do I make your heart beat like a native drum?
Is my love, your drug?
(huh) Your drug? (huh) your drug? (huh) your drug?
Is my love, your drug?

Relatives are a necessary Evil- C mam


I listen to English songs -Deepthi


R u an American? - Me (.Foolishness.)


Have you become thin, girl?- Computer Teacher ( No names exist for her. Only "Boy" and "Girl")


Haha- Samaneh Jawad ( That's mostly all that she said throughout that chat)


SO!- Anagha Aravind , Urja Tibrewal and Achala Keshava ( I never get it.)


Tommy's the leadership thingy and I'm rather nervous. The Pursuit Of Happiness seems like a real good movie. I should see it fully sometime.
Books I read in the hols:
Good Wives-Louisa May Alcott
Around the world in 80 days-Jules Verne
The 3 musketeers-Alexander Dumas
Pollyanna grows up
Upper fourth at Malory Towers-Enid Blyton
Drunken Forest-Gerald Durrell
A lotta chicken soup for my kinda soul
Harry Potter series for the Nth time...
And now reading Jungle Book.


10th then. So pretty hectic eh? I do wanna do well in my Boards.But I think it is cruel that a teacher who says she is "way ahead" of other classes takes our only PT period just to circulate a tuning fork thrice.Not.Very.Nice.


There was an Air crash recently and several innocent citizens were killed.Several families were devastated. Several dreams were shattered. Several lives changed forever. But only a few survived.


And now there's that IDIOTIC plan to make Lalbagh into a commercial money-making amusement park.OUTRAGEOUS.Why do these officials come up with such hideous ideas?
If there is a protest I WILL go to express my rage at the foolishness of the idea. I maybe a schoolgirl but I'm sick and tired of hearing "Man is the culprit" and "Humans are responsible." so I think it's about time we DO something instead of pretending that another species has caused this.

11.20! Good gracious, how time flies.. Pokerface is strange but just like it's singer .Bad Romance Stinks.Anbu fine. Down with a cold. I wish I spent more time with her. She's an adorable child.


Yawn... Are you happy? You better be.
Seeya!