Nefelibata.

Picture Imperfect.

Tell me everything I shouldn't know

The dark stains that refuse to go.

Fill me with the darkness that shall blind,

The answers to the questions on my my mind.

Beneath that fine veneer and sheen

Maybe there are unknown tales to glean.

Fall from that pedestal of glory please

Bestow that starched white with some grease.

Tell me everything I shouldn't know

Anything to let go of that halo

Fill me with dark lies so I may believe

And hope to seek an uncomfortable refuge.

Beneath that chiseled perfection I see

Maybe there are crevices and cracks unknown to me

For now that is all the reason I can live with

To believe that it is after all a delusional myth.

When I'm not swatting flies and seeing inebriated patients on night duty at the Holehonnur CHC, I'm scamming their free WiFi and attempting to relearn how to write poetry.

Working at a PHC for a month and now a CHC has been an interesting experience so far, opening your eyes to the amount of sickness and disease. It also makes you realize how the things you take for granted are privileges to someone else.

During my free time in the day, I've been doing paintings that should probably be torn up into 38372827 pieces yet I still have them probably because they are so stupid they are a little funny. :')

Oh and I'm also listening to some music after what seems like ages! :) 

• Kajra Mohabbat Wala (Sachet Tandon)
• You can be king again (I'm not really into anime but I should thank Medha for this!)
• Nindaraan Diyaan (Amit Trivedi) <3
• Your hand in mine (Explosions in the sky)
• K (Cigarettes after sex)
• What's my name (Rihanna) (I heard this recently after years and I couldn't believe I was a big fan of this once xD

^ A cloud walker. An individual who lives in the clouds of her own imagination or dreams. A person who doesn't abide by the rules of society, literature, or art. 

UnLearn.

Hello dear Readers (if any left..)

The past few weeks have been stressful to say the least. It was enlightening, humbling, disappointing, hopeful and yes, a lot of other adjectives. I think a major part of it was spent in fear and despair alternating with a state of panic provoking rapid action until the next wave would hit. I never thought I would question my choice of career or even spontaneously burst into tears owing to the exam stress.

Part of this is because when you’re in a hostel, you are with people trying to navigate the same kinda boat so you can’t really tell them how difficult you find boat riding and also when you’re conversations with your family are more on the lines of:

 “How are you doing?

I’m OK.

Okay? Okay.”

What I realized (much, much later) was that we can and we must be able to filter out how much of the stress we want to feel. Or anything else for that matter; we hold the keys to the amount of emotion we bring to the surface.

So coming to the pre exam era, I timed my meals with BP and we did a little of combined reading towards the very end and magically enough, there would be a few questions from our chosen topics. Sanjana and I would panic together, discuss a lot and then feel a little hopeful. Truly, it felt good to know how things are going on with someone else and clarify even the seemingly silly doubts! A special mention to the absolutely irrational obsession I had developed over my hair and the varying extent of damage it had suffered over the past few months thanks to my neglect and oh my my, that pure bliss when you finally go and get a haircut and feel damn good about yourself after a long time!! (You may split in piece for all I care now, I am a happier woman now B) )

 

During the exams, I had a lot of rituals. Now is where you begin to question my sanity but here goes:

• I HAD to wash up and THEN have my breakfast BEFORE 8 AM.
• I had to consume exactly two M&Ms on all days (so that it would last until the end of my last exams.
• I had to consume 1 Milano for each subject around 11 AM
• I had to have a spoonful of Nutella.
• And lastly, I HAD to have a spoon of Bella just before I left for the exams. (That wasn’t really a good idea considering its granular extra sweet aftertaste but RitualsMustNotBeViolated so it was duly followed.
• I also HAD to leave the room by 1.10 and arrive at the exam hall with Accamma ONLY by 1.30, then sit and breathe deeply until they gave the papers at 2.00PM

I later realized that this was all a cunning plot by my sly brain to pilfer more and more food until I was nearly always eating something/ just finished eating something. I barely allowed myself to feel any hunger until I would happily pounce on some Ragi/ Sprouts/Fruits/ Chocolates/Biscuits.

Coming to other matters, as a part of boosting my dwindling morale, here’s a lowdown on the year that was:

• Visited the Oh So Pristine Beaches of Andaman and Nicobar and gave a shot at Scuba Diving.
• Had my first Solo trip on my Birthday to Gokarna
• Tried my hand at Pleural Tap (even though I was only partially successful)
• Presented an adequately decent case in Paediatrics
• Read Psychiatry and did well in the state level quiz with Abhi
• Tried something I had become curious about.
• Did well in the Quiz at SIMS with Govi.
• Went to Delhi, Agra and Amritsar with classmates and juniors after endless train journeys and busy metro rides. Fell more in love with the idea of travel.
• Presented a Psychiatry Case and managed to win some books and $$
• Revisited Gokarna with AbhiBP and soaked in some more Vitamin Sea.
• Visited Kuppalli, Kavaledurga, Kundadri and Shringeri.
• Hosted Sanjana in Shimoga and finally caught up on our much needed girl time.
• Attended enough marriages to start dreading them for the likely conversations one gets entangled in. But let’s get dressed up anyway
• Made new friends (Anul, Naman, Robab and Bhargava), learnt to see newer perspectives, discover new ideas and share common interests.
• Learnt how much my existing friends mean to me. Lost a few friends too (prolli?)
• (Trying to) Learn to bother less about what she/he says/thinks. Learnt that I don’t owe an explanation except to the ones who matter to me.
• (Beginning to) Learn to accept people for who they are, understand why they are the way they are and just appreciate their existence in your life without question. It might make life easier for all you know..
• Learnt how much I miss Di. Beginning to appreciate how perceptive she is for a child her age, for everything she has seen and continues to see and yet remains one of the most enthusiastic kids I’ve been around.
• Learning to apologize/set things right with people and not just leave a blank space. (Atleast, try to.)
• Learnt how you need to believe in what you do. Learnt that you must not compromise on your beliefs. Realized I was happy at the end of the day when I had done what was right. Learnt to voice my opinions aloud and take a stance, to understand my own needs and desires better and thus have more coherence.
• Learnt that distance does NOT matter to keep true friendships alive. Thankful to the days I had Sanjana, Pingii and Anusha to just share our thoughts and woes and HOWTHEHELLCANIREADSOMUCHINSOLITTLETIMEIAMSODED kinda conversations.
• Learning to live and love life with each day, feel grateful for the things you’ve been blessed with and try to be a better person, even if, in the smallest way.

So apart from this abysmally long list, I’ve also begun to realize how much more I need to work in order to get where I want to get. I just hope the coming year will be a lot more fruitful and productive. Currently, I’m wondering what the hell I’m going to do on NYE in Shimoga considering how I stayed back keeping the practicals in mind and my panic prone pre practical phase.

Here are my heartfelt wishes for the upcoming year, for all the challenges ahead, the excitement and to the journey! :) <3

Exulansis

When you no longer see what you once saw, you are filled with a mixture of wonderment and regret. Wonder for the complexity of the fluctuant brain and regret for lacking the visual acuity or rather, for the clouding of one's vision. Everything that you once chose to ignore is now all that you can see.

It does make me feel like a bad person but to lie through my teeth would be more hurtful. The last time I had this 'epiphany' was months after I left Deeksha..

Is it a trick of the mind? A weakness of will? A change of heart or dawning of consciousness?

When you develop the habit of pushing every discomforting thing 'under the carpet', you get a big mound of dust in your living room that can no longer be ignored.
When you have no answers for these questions and when you only have more questions for yourself, you know there has been an irrevocable change. This has also made me consider the role reversal and its only when you put yourself in another's shoes and walk a mile do you realize what you might have put someone through...

Do I have to have one good week and then a not so good week to set right the balance in the universe? Last week was a good one with some notemaking and the happy discovery of 2nd year Patho, Pharmac and Micro notes which actually make a lot more sense now, followed by surprise-ish visit by MaPaDi and we lit sparklers at Jewel Rock to celebrate our kind of Deepavali, two rounds of strawberry cheesecake with AbhiBP and later with FroggieTheFoolest and of course, the joy of new mail!

I don't know if its a seasonal blip or the negativity tumour that I'm seeding inside me but I've been in some kind of zone lately. And sometimes anything, from an unexpected friend's words of encouragement (Thanks to Dixi) to a few words by my Pingu to my unwavering source of support (Sanjj), I do know I am thankful for all the goodness of people around me. Help comes from unexpected quarters, at the least expected moment and makes an impact.

So we watched this movie, Secret Superstar and it was not bad but for some of the dramatic histrionics and saccarine sweet quality to the narrative culminating in a fairly predictable ending.

So I was talking to Di today and she tells me her favourite song is ALSO 'Nachde Phira' and we began to discuss our favourite songs (She finally has a new favorite song after Tu Jo Mila!)

No therapy like girl talk (ladies gossip?) with my Maa about everything under the Sun from which relative turned up at which wedding to what the neighbourhood auntie has been upto to everything else! :)

What's the best thing to do after a day of Preterm Labour, Breech Presentation, Post Partum Haemorrhage and some Abnormal Uterine Action with your mind in running its own commentary of doom in the background? That's right, scale up the notch and watch Ae Dil Hai Mushkil to test yourself. :))

Laugh at yourself a little more, don't hesitate to shed those tears and above all, remember, you are probably not alone. :)

Caffeinatedly yours,
J

Ho Hum

I have to state that this post will have no value add whatsoever. It's just me exercising my freedom of speech, freedom of rant and freedom of cynicism.

So now that my cough seems to show signs of abating (yes, I've finally learnt to titre smaller doses of cough syrup), I am in a far better state of health. The annoying thing is when you're down with a fever/cough you don't want to go to the OPD because you tend to think; hey should I really go for something trivial like this, maybe I can handle this myself. Except the cough needs better antibiotics, so yeahh.

Wayanad is not happening after all and after a few days of moping around, I've come to accept that we have a lot on our plate at the moment so perhaps it was not meant to be.

We do see a lot more cases in medicine postings these days,

• A case of fibrocavitary lesion in the right upper lobe due to reactivation of tuberculosis in a middle aged chronic smoker.
• A case of hydropneumothorax and swelling of limbs with h/o tuberculosis treatment.
• A case of syncopal attack in a middle aged patient of Aortic Stenosis and Mitral Regurgitation.
• A case of global aphasia and hip fracture in an elderly patient after h/o fall but recovered after a few days.
• A case of alcoholic liver disease in a middle aged woman.
• A case of emphysema with h/o ischemic heart disease in an emanciated elderly patient.

So we have a marathon of internals coming up in the next 2 weeks. After that we'll hopefully have some sort of study holidays until our exams.

My policy has become it is better to be asleep than to sit up and think endlessly. I'm not saying its working great but I think I'd rather not be entrapped by the web of worries I spin around myself. It's been one year and I ask myself have I become any wiser? Have I changed for the better or worse? You imbibe the good, ignore the bad and remain true to yourself. It's safer to avoid these questions and plough on.

To be honest, I feel, education is no prophylaxis for stupidity! Wisdom comes from practical knowledge and common sense, not something that poring through endless books would teach you.

Successful people are not the ones who never make mistakes, they're the ones who aren't afraid to make mistakes but also pick themselves up and get back after a fall.

Another thing that I've realized is that its important to discover yourself, work on building your strengths, develop better communication skills and have good hobbies. Somehow, at the end of the day, you should be able to hold a good conversation, have a good set of friends to share your best moments and have a sense of humour. Or atleast, retain some 'spirit' in life no matter how hectic or gruelling your schedule will eventually be. Because, at the end of the day, why do you put yourself through all the rigor? To lose enthusiasm in life? Of course not! Nothing is worth that.
Bottom line: Learn to stop and smell the roses. :)

So we watched snippets of this Telugu movie Arjun Reddy (don't worry, I still have my prejudice against the language) and we had a lot of fun poking fun at the blockbuster movie that seems to have got rave reviews for its depiction of 'raw reality'.

I also watched the Good Doctor from the makers of House MD and yet again another stunningly attractive set of doctors are busy saving lives peforming complicated surgeries and having a great social life a la Grey's Anatomy except there is an autistic doctor with Savant Syndrome also in the fray.

Songs on my mind include:

• Build it better : Aron Wright
• Seetha Kalyanam : Suraj S Kurup
• O Rangrez (from Bhaag Milka Bhaag)

"That's the thing. I don't think I kind of believe in deep down. I kinda think all you are is the things that you do."

The Insomniac's Idiosyncrasies.

What if these thoughts are not my carefully coordinated ruminations but merely the result of random arrangements in my brain that resulted in these specific words, even as I type this?

When you overdose on caffeine and are charged with a hundred different thoughts, it is prudent to blog and scare the few readers away with your useless rambles.

So first things first, we had our Ortho Internals and I made up a lot of rubbish including the meaning of Orthopaedics (yes, we had a second paper for our practicals with many more opportunities for me to mess up). Atleast a TB Hip/ Spine would have made my day but CTEV was a small reprieve. And that reminds me, Ilizarov (from the limb lengthening technique) said something like this:

'Any biological organism when subjected to constant stress under living conditions, is expected to grow.'

I quote this not out of a bout of inspiration that if we induce ourselves with the right amount of stress, it would catapult us into greater heights (you could do that too, Fyi) but out of sheer annoyance and frustration with the supposed Imposition awarded to us by the OBG department for our unplanned 'mass bunk'. Clearly, subjecting us to irrational punishments has only got us at the end our patience and at our wit's end. -_-

But when I'm not mindlessly copying lines from Shaw's, we've been taking a lot more cases this term asking every Savitramma, Ratnamma, Basamma or Vasanthamma their history. When we're not taking gynaec cases, I'm discreetly judging women by their belly bump to pounce on any pregnancy in the 3rd trimester to take their case and possibly proceed with the examination. Apart from this, its a Cat and Mouse game of trying not to draw the attention of Dr S for sitting, breathing and basically daring to live. -_-

Apart from these facts and and the ominous fact that my going home remains dependant on the End Posting, college is progressing as usual. So it was Abhi's bday last week and we had a some real fun :) I don't think I've laughed until my stomach hurt in recent times!

I think the best time of my day is in fact the night when I'm uncluttered of all unnecessary niceties and have my freedom, even if, only for a few hours. Yes, of course, all these chains and shackles are in my own head.

Take a moment.

• Before you yell at that boy for nearly running into you, take a moment to realize he's pushing a trolley of food for your own mess.
• Before you assume the worst, give people the benefit of doubt or a chance to explain their actions.
• Before you curse profanities upon someone for inconveniencing you, understand that they're only doing their job.
• Before you give someone a piece of your mind, take a deep breath and just let it go! Whatever it is that's bothering you, it isn't worth your peace of mind. 

Reading some new and interesting things these days; from the development of language in an infant (Skinner Vs Chomsky), science of emotion (when you see a tiger, do you run because of the fear or do you feel fear because you run..?) and even the physiology of hunger and satiety (my obesity prone elevated leptins should have diminished taste sensations but as Abhi rightly said, my taste buds seem to be on the higher end of the spectrum) and the neurochemistry of addiction (mice which were taught to work for a stimulation that would result in a reward (Dopamine treaaattt!) would do so even at the cost of their starvation and thirst just to receive that 'kick'.

On yet another note, I would hate to agree with my annoyingly accurate father as to how social media is a double edged sword and must be used wisely and I never seem to accrue this simple wisdom that even my sister seems to have been bestowed with. -_-

Ohhhh and before I forget, Ma's part of this White Whale Challenge that's being organized by the folks at Science Utsav.
Basically, they've got the parent community involved in activities and tasks that they've got to submit in a day. While Day 1 had Ma going to the near and dear relatives for a 'free hug thing', Day 2 was about thanking the people in the community who help us like the milkmaid, postman, driver, lift attender and so on.

I'm actually quite surprised and interested by this initiative and also extremely happy that Ma is game enough to take on something as spontaenous as this! :)

Although I feel confused and annoyed 2826282927 times a day for all the mind numbing, thick skulled drama around me and the rubbish that is thurst upon my disinterested ears, I also feel at peace for atleast some semblance of sanity that prevails despite the murky waters. It also gives me hope of better times ahead.

*Everything has changed: Ed Sheeran* :)

Ciao!

Alexithymia.

People who are overweight and do a lot of emotional eating are more likely to have a hard time identifying their feelings – what psychologists call alexithymia. —R. Wolever, B. Reardon, & T. Hannan, The Mindful Diet, 2016

Today we had a session on Transplant Surgery by doctors from Apollo Hospitals Bangalore. The first speaker Dr. Sandeep, gave a brief intro about the liver anatomy, pathology of cirrhosis and grading of Liver Failure based on Child Pugh Score and the MELD score which are all used to decide whether and when a patient needs a liver transplant.

Next, we had Dr Mahesh, a transplant surgeon taking us through the transplants that they conducted at their hospital, ranging from cadaveric donors to live donors, from cardiac and liver transplants to Pancreas and Kidney Transplant (for Diabetic Patients with Renal Failure) and even the rare (but possible) Small Bowel Transplants. We were shown several videos of how the set up for a transplant surgery looks and several surgeries in progress.

Lastly, but most importantly, we had the awe inspiring Dr. Bharat Dubey taking us through his journey from King George, Lucknow to AIIMS for his post graduation and currently at Apollo where he is a Cardiothoracic surgeon who regularly performs transplants as well.

Peppered with inspiring anecdotes, surgery videos and the occasional self indulgent photo, he gave a short but memorable journey through the challenging road of cardiac surgery.
 From complicated MICS to LVADS, from Arterial Switch Operations to LVADS, he explained several procedures and finally concluded by a video of cardiac transplantation right from harvesting it from a donor, establishing a green corridor for the transport, the transplant itself and the sinus rhythm on the ECG monitor post transplant.

It was a wonderful session that reminded me that I was pursuing no ordinary profession. :)
To sum it up is this quote that Dr. Bharath shared as he encouraged us to dream bigger and how the medical profession is constantly evolving hence, we can expect further developments in the coming years..

"Set a goal to achieve something that is so big, so exhilarating that it excites you and scares you at the same time."

Reason.

Do you ever look for a reason,
When you stand in the rain,
To welcome the first shower of the season
As the hesitant drops splash across your skin?

Do you really need an excuse,
To explain the appeal of the waves?
How the sea is your eternal muse,
And why the blue sea is all that your heart craves?

Do you ever care to ask yourself,
Why the mountains hold you under their spell?
Breathing in the intoxicating misty air,
Why, in the snow clad peaks forever you could dwell?

Then why do you look for a reason,
To explain the mind's unfathomable ways?
To your own conscience it is a treason,
To demand answers for what the heart says.

Monologues.

I see two possibilities. I'm either going to blog with unwanted frequency or I'll close the blog and call it a day.

As ugly as within

Currently listening to:

• Neenillade (Ondu Motteya Kathe)

• Just Like Honey (the one from Lost In Translation)

• Lag Ja Gale : different versions by various singers but come back often to the original by Lata Mangeshkar (I am a boring old woman who listens to the same songs on repeat until they ferment in my brain)

I'm also glad that I finished reading:

• City of Joy (definitely an interesting read, an eyeopener into the lives of the slum dwellers of Calcutta, the happiness amidst the suffering and the ray of hope amidst illness and poverty.

• Marley and Me (can I please get a doggo now?)

• Oliver's Story (Finding love after the loss of your loved one. A sequal to Love Story by Eric Segal)

Anyhoo its back to college and I'm once again in surgery postings. This time we've been divided into 3 units of 10 students. So yesterday we saw two different stages of presentation of the same condition: Carcinoma of the Stomach.

First we saw an elderly female patient with history of abdominal pain since 20 days. Apart from this, she gave history of passage of dark colored stools. Examination did not reveal any findings. Based on the age and the complaints, the professors suspect an advanced stage of gastric cancer and have requested for endoscopy for correlation.

Next we saw a case of a 35 y/o female from Shimoga who was operated for gastric carcinoma. She had initially come with pain in the abdomen after meal and complaints or regurgitation of food. Suspecting PUD, endoscopy was performed. Here, ulcers were detected and the biopsy confirmed H.pylori infection and dysplasia.

After treatment with Anti H.pylori regimen, the patient did not experience relief of symptoms. A repeat biopsy was done and a second opinion was sought which confirmed the gastric carcinoma. The patient was operated at Kidwai Bangalore for a gastrojejunostomy and had come for a check up with the tube. A mother of a young girl, this lady will now require chemotherapy once her lab reports are complete and satisfactory.

Life often throws us into unexpected turns. And there isn't anything we can do about it but to face it head on. Which is why, when the road is clear, the path is straight; keep going and don't dawdle.

Today I saw the surgery for varicose veins for the first time. Its called the Trendelenberg operation and they ligate the tributaries of the GSV and then introduce a stripper, ligate the perforators and then remove the stripper (along with the shrunken vein) in one Strong tugging movement. It went on for quite some time because according to Gopinath Sir, 'It was a jungle inside with fibrosis and inflammation'. 

When the OT goes on for far more than your stomach can wait, your stomach decides to protest. And loudly, the rascal. In fact, today was the orchestra of several hungry stomachs singing in unison. The best way to deal with this is look straight ahead at the table with such conviction that even the ones next to you will believe that it possibly the patient who is hungry and not you!

Watched OMK with Abhi and had Dinner at Anmol midweek. I think I would like that to be the highlight of my week. I just remembered this thing that we had learnt in programming/ JAVA during high school. Something about memory allocation. 

I don't remember it well enough but when you delete one value and add another instead, it occupies the same 'space'. Or something along those lines, I can't get the exact words. I don't think we can do that. You cannot erase a memory you wish to forget by creating new memories. Hah! Life is not so simple that you vapourize an unpleasant experience with a poof!

You accept it, you acknowledge it and you rectify it for what it's worth. You can move farther ahead by acceptance than by denial. Sometimes. :)

Tata!!

Oh Bee Ji, Sir Jerry and more

This was supposed to be this exuberant post about the many things going on right now in life but it’s going to be all the headlines sans that dose of saccharine sweetness!

I realize that I’ve not spoken much about how college is going on in a long time.

So we had Surgery Postings and it wasn’t too bad. Nagraj Sir did a fairly good job with every class that he engaged us in. We took cases (most of us) and presented them. The EPT wasn’t all that great though, I basically had to speak over Arun Kumar Sir to let him know that I did know a thing or two and he didn’t have to answer his own damn question all the time! We saw a lot of ulcers (in the leg and foot), sebaceous cysts, varicose veins, hernias (inguinal as well as umbilical), a few cases of lumps in the breast and one of thyrotoxicosis. On the whole, it gave us about 15 cases in one month and ample time for me to watch Suits when the OPD would be empty. We didn’t get to go to the OT this term since the seniors get preference but there weren’t too many cases in the first place, truth be told.

It’s been about 2 weeks since OBG started and it’s a lot more organized than the other department which is a double edged sword. The good thing is that there is no dearth of cases here so all you need to do is to be on the lookout for the case you need. I had to present a case of Fibroids along with an absconding adjacent batch mate and it was not bad, I guess.

The Ophthalmology Department expects us to present seminars on designated topics every week and my last one was a COMPLETE disaster so I had to make amends this time. The topic was Colour Blindness and so there was ample scope for pictures and the occasional joke. As usual, I was nervous prior to the seminar and from what I was told, I hurried through the slides but it was definitely a lot better than the previous one. :)

And yes, last week I ended up attending NISACON 2016 in JNMC Belgaum. I’m not really sure how the whole thing transpired but one thing led to another and Akhila and I did this race against time to reach Belgaum. It was a budget mission (that blew completely out of proportion) and the KSRTC bus strike at that time just made things all the more difficult for us (not the mention the yearly Purle Jaathre that COMPLETELY blocks the road connecting our college to the rest of Shimoga). So we boarded a bus to Harihar, another to Davangere to reach the Railway Station at 6:40 for the Sampark Kranthi Express scheduled to arrive at DVG at 6:40PM precisely. Thankfully Indian Railways doesn’t always adhere to the aforementioned timings so we had enough time to grab some dinner parcels and catch our breath before setting off towards Belgaum (unsure of our accommodation). 

As Akhila managed to convince normalcy on the homefront, we realized that we might have to travel by ourselves to the campus in the middle of the night and this was unsettling. I was quite lucky that MaPa agreed on such short notice and had even arranged stand-by accomodation with Chikkoo (my first roommate, FYI) But thankfully, I realized it was just me being HD because the JNMC peeps were there at the station to pick us up and we did get accommodation after reaching campus around 1.30AM (Whaaaaaat?!) The next two days passed in a blur; workshops on Surgical Skills (which was pretty cool considering how we actually tried out the suture techniques on artificial material) and ECG (which was good but just not enough time to actually know it that well), campus tours with Adi (surprise surprise!), some interesting lectures on Robotic Surgery (it’s the future of surgery, they say) and even a DJ night which wasn’t half bad. (or maybe I’m finally getting a hang of them :’) )

On the third day, the seven of travelled to Gokak by bus, boarded another to Gokak Falls and took a God-forsaken unbearably jam-packed bus to Godachina Malki falls which had a good view but given that it was a Sunday; it was quite populated. The return journey took hellishly long and the seating arrangement is something I’d like to forget at the earliest! *that moment when all of us start yelling at the conductor when he actually dared to ask us to budge a bit to seat yet another passenger in the overloaded bus*

Nevertheless, we managed to reach just in time for the bus back to Shimo and after a mild e-ticket scare; we hogged on parcelled KFC and called it a night. The next morning it was back to business in OBG and thus, it was the end of a short but memorable trip. It was unexpected and I came back with some unexpected memories :)

On the whole, the past month had some interesting events and its fair share of excitement and drama. It’s been a long time since I’ve set foot in Bangalore (for a sufficiently long time) and it looks like even this time it’s going to be a “flying visit” but one does not mess with the OBG Ladies so I can’t do much about it. -_-

Something about the travel to Belgaum made me realize how different life is in North Karnataka. It kind of explains why people from NK are the way they are. Of course, I might be generalizing but there’s a stark contrast with how things are back home in Namma Bengaluru where are aplenty and there is no dearth of options for a person unlike how it up north. Here a person might have to work against odds to reach their destination and that’s probably what makes them resilient in the face of hardships.

Books I’ve been reading include:

• Sensory Deception (All about sensory saturation and virtual reality set against the backdrop of global warming and animal extinction)
• It happens for a reason by Preethi Shenoy (about premarital pregnancy in the Indian setup and the aftermath based in Bangalore)
• Letters to Love (another run-of-the-mill story about two adults thrown together after a tragedy and how they move from staunch enemies to something else. -_-)
• Detour from normal (About how a person with mental illness copes with it and analyses what he is going through)
•  Flying blind (based on Amelia Earhart’s final expedition where she went missing and subsequent attempts to trace her)
• Into The Wild by John Krakauer (a thought provoking book about the life and times of a young man who sets out an a solo expedition in Alaska. Described by some as foolish and lauded by others for his bravery, his story will nevertheless leave you thinking for longer than you might be prepared for.)

Musicophilia:

• Stand In The Rain (Superchick, TB to the old times, Heard this recently on my old phone)
• Thinking Out Loud (Ed Sheeran. I watched Me Before You recently)

Ciao :)

When Newton was wrong.

When Newton was wrong.

This may seem cliché but I’d still like to say it. Every high school student worth his salt would know the 3 Newtonian Laws of Motion and if you were wacked enough (like mee) to apply it to everyday life then you’d disagree with them.

My pet peeve is the 3rd Law which proclaims that every action would have an equal and opposite reaction. Now, I’d just like to say that if you stopped reacting to everything (and that IS possible as I’ve recently discovered) you would be in a lot more peaceful state of mind. Of course it ain’t easy to hold back what’s at the tip of your tongue but believe me, there is an odd sense of satisfaction in knowing that the less said, the better.

Highlights of the past month include:

• Two trips to Bangalore in a span of 15 days. Spent time with Di watching Pingu and Frozen, making cards for amma and generally chatting about the problems in Rekha Chopra ma'am's class.  

• Attended Nammu’s sister’s marriage (My first experience at a North Indian wedding. Mind=blown.) They make the South Indian weddings seem like a really serious affair because there was so much music and dance everywhere not to mention food for the hungry souls. So BP and I attended the Sangeet and everything from the bright and colourful sets, dance numbers by all the family members from the tiny tots to the aunty uncle to the variety of cuisines was great. I realized I haven’t been to a wedding in ages! Can’t wait to have some wedding in the family so we can get involved in all the excitement. I also kind of realized that SO MUCH work goes into the big day that it’s actually scary and weird thinking of it.  

• Road trip scenes on gaadis for the first time this year on the Gajanur-Sakrebailuru route. Managed to get gaadi from the local Frog, soon others procured gaadis and we were off on a long ride. Being in the hostel, getting to go out of the city is a lovely feeling. These days, the PG classes are twice or thrice a week so we haven’t been out much. This was one beautiful evening. 

• Went to Hassan, met Sanjana, spent time around the campus and came back in a day. Informed MaPa on the way back. Pa: “You managed it on your own. Nice!”

• Ophthalmology postings have concluded and we have now commenced with Otorhinolaryngology postings (ENT)
• Finally convinced the muscles of my body to work it together and cleaned the pile of rubbish in my room to make it habitable. Now I don’t have visitors standing at the doorway wary to step inside the clutter bin. Oh well, they say a creative mind has chaos. I just have chaos inside as well as outside.
• Watched several good movies lately including:
• Sound of Music: Watched it on the train, enjoyed it. Made an old man’s day by giving him the movie since he got really excited when he saw what I was watching. He was rattling away the name of the actress and other movies of hers while I nodded absently. Who’d know that a 60 plus man from Bhadravathi would be so fond of the movie that he’d be willing to delete everything on his phone just for that movie!
• Dead Poet’s Society: Another beautiful movie with an unexpected twist in the end. Robin Williams plays an English teacher and inspires his students with his out of the box approach.
• To Sir, With Love: Yes, I’ve been watching some classics. :)
• Finally finished all the episodes of all the seasons of Modern Family! I can’t quite explain my addiction for this serial actually. Maybe it’s Phil Dunphy!
• There’s so much I have to do all I do is sleep or watch random stuff on the laptop
• I don’t belong here. AT ALL. I don’t belong anywhere. I feel “homeless” in a psychological way that I can’t explain. Do you know that feeling where you just do not feel at all? (yes, I know that didn’t sound right) But what I mean is have you ever not felt anything? Just empty and hollow when you’re actually supposed to feel angry or sad? These days I’m just like “chuck it, I can’t change what people think!” I mean, maybe you do owe an explanation to people who matter. But that number is thinning by the day and I’m strangely okay with it. 
• Why do we have the tendency to repeat the mistakes we’ve done? We know what’ll hurt us and yet we foolishly dig our own graves in some false delusion. If it’s about people, have the least expectations. If it’s about you, expect more from yourself. Always.
• Musicophilia:
• Kheench Meri Photo (there's something addictive) 
• Manma (don't judge me) 
• GF BF (Have you ever heard a song somewhere and struggled to remember it until you finally hear it again?!) 
• Love Yourself- Justin Beiber 
• Haminastu
• I'm friends with the monster- Rihanna 
• I need a vacation. ASAP
• THIS HEAT IS KILLING ME

Fables of February.

No event is complete without being chronicled in the vestiges of my blog so here goes!

It all began with the sports day where we were once again divided into 4 groups with ludicrous names just like last year (Ancilers: fondly known as Ant hills, alzhiemers and silencers, Spartans, Phoenix and Nighthawks Reloaded) and two events were scheduled per day. There were two days in the stadium and day 1 was fairly interesting because I wasn’t with the people I usually hang out with but I think I managed fairly well. First half was with Jeslin and Shaheen :) Second half was with Govi and Avm and the best part was zooming around solo on a gaadi, playing baddie and yes, hogging! I won a badminton match, lost a chess match so it was all square at the end of the day. Day 2 was Baddie Day and I was expecting the inevitable but Lady Luck smiled upon me in my third attempt. The best part was not the end but every time anyone said anything supportive! Just like the team supporting me even though the truth was inevitable last year, I never expected people would do so, but it really boosts your morale by a million points (Even if it’s just short-lived). The whole team spirit thing is actually great to some extent but when clashes occur, it can get ugly as was witnessed on several occasions.

And after all this was the customary Ethnic Day where all we did was smile and pose for pictures which would eventually lose their value. We did have a few games in the afternoon and post this we rushed to the PG classes after which I still had some work to do regarding the Antakshari.


So the culturals was on 13th and 14th. On 13th we had the Quiz (we came 2nd! :D 3rd time in a row -_- Will I ever be 1st?!, Pot Pourri and a few other events. Although I had boldly signed up for a lot of random events, preparing the much awaited Antakashari with a scheming frog was taking up a lot my time! The fact that the frog in question raids phones, laptops and watches censored Dubsmash videos led to a lot of confusion and probably gave free entertainment to anyone watching the E-Library CCTV footage. So the 3 (Maniesh, me and Rajesh-the fat frog) worked on it until we had all the rounds set and we would at least not get cornered by the contestants themselves! (Given that we were dreading a certain contestant’s prowess in Bollywood).

 Day 2 was hectic because I decided I would indeed go on stage and willingly make a fool of myself by participating in non-filmy singing (incidentally I came 3rd among the few participants present), my laptop was discovered to lack the port for the cable for projecting on a screen (VGA Something) and I was foolish enough to audition for anchoring, get selected and then get embroiled in a confusion I still don’t understand. After some last moment panic attacks, the presentation and videos played on screen and the antakshari went fairly well (obviously thanks to my superior anchoring skills). We had a round where the audience had to guess the movie starring a rare Jodi and sing a song from the same, another where we played the audio of a song and the video of another song with similar traits (Such as Dhola Re and Pinga) and the team had to answer a question on either the audio or video, another on the music directors and director combinations in Bollywood and so on.

After a day’s break where the air was finally cleared on all the anchoring business, there was more work to do! I borrowed Vindhya’s gaadi (probably one of the 3 mistakes of 4th year) and Shivam (Junior) and I set off on a long ride; first to McGann (to invite the IMA President Dr. Shivayogi, then to Vinobhanagar: Kundur’s place for my saree (which we reached after a lot of chasing the wrong people on the wrong road scenes- It’s pretty far btw which made me realize, greater the distance from Subbaiah, lesser the bullshit you deal with maybe), then to Subbaiah hospital in Jail Road, Maxx multispeciality Hospital and finally to Manasa Psychiatric Hospital (to invite Dr. Rajni Pai). After some more gaadi related confusion, we finally had everything in place and set to work but it was no easy job. I realized I was anchoring not just with any ordinary frog but with a hyperactive, devious minded, multitalented yet ultra-lazy bullfrog. D-Day arrived and we were still not done with the speech by noon. We were finally done with it by 2PM and I rushed to the mess if there was anything edible left. I was offered Channa if I could walk through a huge tub of chicken and take it. Hungry and famished, at the site of a huge tub of raw chicken, something snapped inside me and I started yelling like an idiot until I was pacified with edible non-animal food and I quietly had what was given. Ugh! The horrors of hostel -_- After this, I was in frenzy because nothing was turning out as planned and I backtracked on my prior plans on second thoughts and that left me in a confounded state. Evening arrived; chief guests arrived well in advance while the VIP Subbaiah student crowd took its own time. It finally began, and it went fairly well (except for the frog croaking “20k16” in the end! xD) After this the cultural programs began and they improved by a degree compared to the previous year. Post programs and dinner was the customary Dj night that went on till the wee hours of the morning. 17th was a well-deserved holiday because most people couldn’t scramble out of their beds until the afternoon.

And yes, it’s all finally over! We’re probably done with all the excitement and drama for the year. As creepy as it sounds, I enjoyed most of it, even though it was tiring, led to conflicts, was a lot of responsibility and there weren’t only victories.. Win or lose, I enjoyed every moment in the journey.. 

I did learn a few things. It’s amazing how people are multitalented, be it sports, dance or music. It takes leadership skills to get a team to do well and it requires a LOT of patience to coordinate events like these. I also realized how multifaceted people are.. 
Everyone’s universe seems so much bigger in contrast to yours that you might just be a speck of dust.. 

Too Little, Too Late.

So last Saturday was the trip to Kodachadri. One memorable trek with friends. We started at 4 AM, spent the early hours at Shivappanayaka Fort in Hosanagara (where we clicked loads of pigs) and then traveled to Kodachadri. We then traveled via jeeps on a bumpy road upto the guest house and had our breakfast and then began the trek uphill. We first visited the Shankaracharya temple and another cave-like temple and then returned to the guesthouse for lunch. After this we began another slippery trek towards Hidlumane falls on a damp drizzly route infested with leeches. After what seemed like forever, after several slips, falls and moments when I was sure I wouldn't make it, we all finally reached the falls and it sure was worth the arduous trek! We rushed into the waterfalls and the force of the water literally hit us like pellets of stones. After spending ample amount of time in the water, it was time to begin the trek back to the starting point and this was another challenge as part of the route was along the course of the rivulet. Thankfully we all made it before nightfall and refreshed ourselves in Hosanagar and then reached college by 10:30 PM. It was one of my first such experiences with friends and I couldn't have possibly made it without their help and support (and even taunts :P ) at every step of the journey! :) Here's wishing that we have many more such excursions in the future and explore uncharted territories. One of the things that made me happiest is the fact that Ma and Pa were glad about the trip. For me, it's a big step that they were happy about the trip and did not reprimand me for being a part of it. It gave me a lot of happiness to see that my parents understand my happiness and share the same. 

Post the trip, all of us were exhausted beyond description. It took us a day or two to get back to normal gait. It was with much reluctance that we submitted the "Patho Assignment" of a Mind Map of Polycythemia on the following Monday.

This weekend I'd been home since Di hadn't been keeping too well. We spent some time over NSO and IMO and then Di transformed into Harshaali Malhotra and I had the honor of a photo session with her. After the customary Baddie, shopping and Paakashala session we also watched a play at KH Kalasouda where Atthe, Mama, Nidhz and Ajji joined us. 

The play "Atheetha" is about a famous criminal lawyer who is presumed to have led a perfect flawless life. He is approached by a young lady for his Biography. After much ado, he agrees and begins the narration of his not-so-innocent life where his spotless record actually was just an illusion because beneath was a man who did not care for anyone but himself and his family suffers the consequences. He is beyond guilt because he rationalizes all his actions and does not seem to have a conscience. He shows no remorse for theft, adultery, forcing an abortion or losing a case on purpose as a favour for a politician. This happened to be the first intense play I've watched and the actors did a superb job and brought tears to many of us with their heartrending performance. 

So we had the Patho quiz today in class and I've done crappily enough to rule out getting selected. I feel unworthy of conversation with Icaboo after everything.

When the present becomes a repeat telecast of the past, it only fills you with dread. Currently using the device that I used in 2012-13 and it brings back some dark memories. Those were times when integrities were questioned, arguments were baseless and nights were endless. There were some terrible days then and I still wonder, why do we put up with it? Will there ever by an answer? Turns out that there isn't much difference between the past and the present except that no one has a clue what to do, no one has the energy left in them to deal with such horrors again and no one will ever voluntarily associate with us in such a state. This time, I'm not even around to do anything significant. When the people around us have metamorphosed beyond recognition, then, my friend, you are truly lost. 

All this seems like a wake up call that reality is not in fact, what I've been living. It is what I've been denying all along. It is indeed sad to hear that there is no use of education or employment when there is no compatibility between individuals. In life, any tide, any storm can be overcome when two individuals believe in each other. Without that, life is a misery to themselves and those around. The very foundations upon which your beliefs rest begin to crumble, leaving you orphaned to the brutalities of the world. It fills me with dread when I think about the future when the present itself is so bleak. There is no greater loss than the loss of hope. When one has lost hope that better days shall come, one is truly lost. It fills me with dread when I think about the ones who depend on me for better days. What am i if I cannot help those who require my presence in the hour of need? A coward? Or a selfish fool? What am I if I cannot give hope to those who have shown me that hope is everything? It is hard to digest that at the end of the day, dreams shall perish after being starved of hope and support. All the things that I had imagined since a child will remain etched as figments of a creative mind. Reality is a brutal whip that slashes across your tender hopes when you least expect it.

There's no running away from reality when it has decided to haunt you for the rest of your life. You might as well tell yourself you've been living a lie all along. 

I never promised to be nice. 

A Bit Of This And That..

Hey there folks! So I’m back in Bangalore and we’re finally done with the second internals! 2 weeks from now we will be “promoted to 5^th term” and we will thence be known as “The Exam-going batch” but until then Home is the only destination. :)

So we had our theory papers and we literally went crazy trying to finish everything. Pathology especially was a tough nut to crack and despite spending 3/5^th of my study time on Pathology most of us walked out rather disappointed with our performance. The bouncer in the question paper was Polyarteritis Nodosa which is a type of vascular disease.  Although Blood Vessels was covered in class and we had a vague memory of the topic being covered in class, none of us were prepared to write a 5 mark answer on it.

Basically Polyarteritis Nodosa affects the small to medium-sized arteries and it’s characterized by a “Rosary Bead” appearance. But alas, even this nugget of information failed to cross my mind during the exam. So instead I uselessly wrote about Henoch Schonlein Purpura (HSP) which is also a type of vasculitis with palpable purpura, glomerulonephritis and pain in the abdomen. Acute Pancreatitis was another question I didn't expect so I wrote a little about the pathogenesis and then went on about Grey Turner's Sign which is bluish discoloration around the umbilicus and it's seen in Acute Necrotizing Pancreatitis. Funnily enough, Aadi and I were quizzing each other just the day before the exam and that's how I thought of writing these random things.

Micro went without much ado because the paper was easy and contained many questions from our earlier Bacteriology test paper. Forensic now seems funny because although I didn’t waste too much time and began studying by 5PM, I had truckloads to finish and to top it all I fell asleep with dreams of waking up at an unearthly hour and finishing what was left. Alas, Sleep overpowered me and at 7AM, I woke up teary eyed and hoped for a miracle. As the words failed to make any sense, I resigned myself to my fate. As the dreaded hour approached, Nammu tried to pep me up by asking some questions but my cluelessness did nothing to improve my mood. Nevertheless, it takes courage to walk into the battlefield knowing that you won’t come back victorious. After vehemently arguing with roll numbers 31 and 34 that I possessed no knowledge whatsoever, we looked at the question paper and well… I began writing whatever little I could remember and concocted plausible answers for most of the questions. Fate, they say, is a fickle friend. :)

After this, we began preparing for the practical exams in all earnest. Reddy, Nammu, Likki and I were had the same practical time table so we began with Pathology and later Abhi and BP also joined us. We began with the histopathology slides (which we got from Icaboo) and then we did a bit of Hematology as well.

Our Pathology practical exam goes like this:

• Spotters: Instruments, gross specimens, histopathology slides, hematology..
• Haemoglobin estimation (by Sahli’s method) [which I managed to screw up to some extent]
• Blood group determination (where again I couldn't answer many of the questions regarding blood banks despite preparing posters on the same subject)
• Urine analysis (where you’ve got to perform chemical tests on the urine sample to look for protein, sugar, ketone bodies or blood as abnormal constituents. Here again, I freaked out over the procedures and walked around hurriedly in hope of a miracle.
• Hematology slide: usually a type of anaemia or leukemia is given and you are expected to recognize the slide and write a report regarding the same. Usually, there is a case that accompanies the slide that gives a clue. Now here’s how it looks:



Acute Myeloid Leukemia



Megaloblastic Anaemia 



Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia (look for smudge cells but
don't depend on them :/ )

 So on the ill-fated day, I found myself grappling with a slide that looked suspiciously like CML but the case suggested CLL. Alas, Luck and Logic had deserted me and having found no smudge cells that are characteristically seen in CLL, I presumed that the slide was on CML (even when it clearly said “70 year old with mild organomegaly and lymphadenopathy.. -_-) So when V Sir peeped into the microscope, he looked surprised and annoyed that I hadn't even recognized the slide right. Now how could he sarcastically reply to the lame answers I would give? Nevertheless I felt downright disappointed with myself and the only question that Sir asked was causes for massive splenomegaly (The previous day Sahana had told me a few but all I could remember was Portal Hypertension, CML and my fav, Hairy Cell Leukemia) So after this disaster, I know I have some Serious Issues with Path.

• The histopathology slide was Chronic Pyelonephritis and this was evident from the periglomerular fibrosis, thyroidization of tubules and inflammatory infiltrates. I blabbered a little regarding vesicoureteral reflex and bacterial infection and the rest went on uneventfully.

There is "thyroidization"of the tubules: look at the colloidal material
in the middle of the tubule. Fibrosis around the glomerulus and
relatively larger number of inflammatory cells.

Forensic passed uneventfully thanks to the mnemonics we made to remember the bones of the wrist joint (Can He Talk Less So That They Piss) and elbow joint (Head Mistress of TLC) in the order of the appearance of their centers of ossification. Microbiology also passed uneventfully (Uppi was in a good mood and restricted himself to Antimicrobials which isn't covered yet in Pharmac) and finally it was Pharmacology (by now I sounded like a full blown frog) and Siddu Sir began by asking "So you want to go to JIPMER?" (Me: *stares blankly for 3s* and Sir repeats and then it flashes to me that he's talking about the JIPMER fest Spandan, he later informs that the management will not permit any entrants in the fear of any such similar requests in the future. -_-). It went okayish (Sir: BZD anatagonist? Me: Flumazenil! *withathat'ssoobvioustonethatInowregret* Sir: Morphine antagonist? Me: *It'satthetipofmytonguebutItjustdoesn'tflash*....... NALAXONE/ NALTREXONE!! *Whew* But I couldn't wait to get out of the place and I literally ran back towards the hostel and began packing my bags because it was time to head home! A massive speedy pack-a-thon later BP, Likki and I set off towards Nammooru Bangalooru :)

Movies I've watched lately:

• Lakshya: A beautiful movie directed by Farhan Akhtar and starring Hrithik and Preity. Meaningful, well crafted and yes, it's got Hrithik <3!
• Queen: I loved this movie. It's like Bollywood has finally come of age! :)
• Bahubali: Don't ask, don't judge. I succumbed to parental pressure. -_- Not bad. -.-'

Musicophilia: I've been listening to a lot of songs lately all thanks to Hippo aka Froggie's awesome suggestions! Majority are from MTV Unplugged and take you to another world (especially with the right pair of earphones :P) with the soulful rendition and accompanying music. Music proved to be a stress buster during the exam fortnight because nothing can take away your worries like a beautiful song. Do listen to the MTV Unplugged version of these which can be found on Youtube under MTV Unplugged:

• Javeda Zindagi
• Maaeri
• Rangobati
• Jiyein Kyun
• Saibo
• Yeh Joh Desh
• Nayan Tarse and Badra Bahar
• Phir Se Ud Chala
• Tum Hi Ho

And soo many more! Most of the songs linger in your mind because the music is so rich and pure. Also listen to 

1. Daylight by Maroon5 
2. Songs by Pakistan based Coke Studio such has Dholna (Atif Aslam), Lambi Judaai (Komal Rizvi) and Nindiya Ke Paar (Uzair Jaswal).. 

After landing in B'lore, the next few days were spent on the treaddie, swimming and googling exercises for losing fat in different regions :P

Saturday was time for HSR Express Ver 2.0! :)

At Sanjana's Place.. 

Appa dropped me at BSK Bus stand and after this I took a regular bus to HSR Layout. Suprisingly, I reached in just over an hour (it's usually much more than that) and after this it was nonstop chattering about everything under the sun! Medical college stories, latest trends in colleges, friends, hostel life woes and so many more things. The best part is how both of us have similar experiences in our respective colleges. After a sumptuous lunch we resumed our chatter, photo sessions and some gaming. After a walk in the park it was time to bid adieu, albeit for a short while, and soon, I was on a direct bus to Jantha Bazaar. Here's hoping that we meet again soon! There is no end to conversation when we get together :)

After this, I headed home, only to be back on the same road with family at Village, Central, JP Nagar for another hogging session. Next day, i.e Sunday was eventful because after the customary Baddie, Treadmill and exercises and lazed around till noon and then Di and I headed to BAC by 3.30PM; It was time for Sibling Swimming Session!! We had loads of fun splashing around, racing each other and literally pulling each other's legs in the chilly pool. Now this is something I want to do again before these holidays get over! :D

Be Right Back. I've got a LOT to blog today! B)