Exulansis

When you no longer see what you once saw, you are filled with a mixture of wonderment and regret. Wonder for the complexity of the fluctuant brain and regret for lacking the visual acuity or rather, for the clouding of one's vision. Everything that you once chose to ignore is now all that you can see.

It does make me feel like a bad person but to lie through my teeth would be more hurtful. The last time I had this 'epiphany' was months after I left Deeksha..

Is it a trick of the mind? A weakness of will? A change of heart or dawning of consciousness?

When you develop the habit of pushing every discomforting thing 'under the carpet', you get a big mound of dust in your living room that can no longer be ignored.
When you have no answers for these questions and when you only have more questions for yourself, you know there has been an irrevocable change. This has also made me consider the role reversal and its only when you put yourself in another's shoes and walk a mile do you realize what you might have put someone through...

Do I have to have one good week and then a not so good week to set right the balance in the universe? Last week was a good one with some notemaking and the happy discovery of 2nd year Patho, Pharmac and Micro notes which actually make a lot more sense now, followed by surprise-ish visit by MaPaDi and we lit sparklers at Jewel Rock to celebrate our kind of Deepavali, two rounds of strawberry cheesecake with AbhiBP and later with FroggieTheFoolest and of course, the joy of new mail!

I don't know if its a seasonal blip or the negativity tumour that I'm seeding inside me but I've been in some kind of zone lately. And sometimes anything, from an unexpected friend's words of encouragement (Thanks to Dixi) to a few words by my Pingu to my unwavering source of support (Sanjj), I do know I am thankful for all the goodness of people around me. Help comes from unexpected quarters, at the least expected moment and makes an impact.

So we watched this movie, Secret Superstar and it was not bad but for some of the dramatic histrionics and saccarine sweet quality to the narrative culminating in a fairly predictable ending.

So I was talking to Di today and she tells me her favourite song is ALSO 'Nachde Phira' and we began to discuss our favourite songs (She finally has a new favorite song after Tu Jo Mila!)

No therapy like girl talk (ladies gossip?) with my Maa about everything under the Sun from which relative turned up at which wedding to what the neighbourhood auntie has been upto to everything else! :)

What's the best thing to do after a day of Preterm Labour, Breech Presentation, Post Partum Haemorrhage and some Abnormal Uterine Action with your mind in running its own commentary of doom in the background? That's right, scale up the notch and watch Ae Dil Hai Mushkil to test yourself. :))

Laugh at yourself a little more, don't hesitate to shed those tears and above all, remember, you are probably not alone. :)

Caffeinatedly yours,
J

Ho Hum

I have to state that this post will have no value add whatsoever. It's just me exercising my freedom of speech, freedom of rant and freedom of cynicism.

So now that my cough seems to show signs of abating (yes, I've finally learnt to titre smaller doses of cough syrup), I am in a far better state of health. The annoying thing is when you're down with a fever/cough you don't want to go to the OPD because you tend to think; hey should I really go for something trivial like this, maybe I can handle this myself. Except the cough needs better antibiotics, so yeahh.

Wayanad is not happening after all and after a few days of moping around, I've come to accept that we have a lot on our plate at the moment so perhaps it was not meant to be.

We do see a lot more cases in medicine postings these days,

• A case of fibrocavitary lesion in the right upper lobe due to reactivation of tuberculosis in a middle aged chronic smoker.
• A case of hydropneumothorax and swelling of limbs with h/o tuberculosis treatment.
• A case of syncopal attack in a middle aged patient of Aortic Stenosis and Mitral Regurgitation.
• A case of global aphasia and hip fracture in an elderly patient after h/o fall but recovered after a few days.
• A case of alcoholic liver disease in a middle aged woman.
• A case of emphysema with h/o ischemic heart disease in an emanciated elderly patient.

So we have a marathon of internals coming up in the next 2 weeks. After that we'll hopefully have some sort of study holidays until our exams.

My policy has become it is better to be asleep than to sit up and think endlessly. I'm not saying its working great but I think I'd rather not be entrapped by the web of worries I spin around myself. It's been one year and I ask myself have I become any wiser? Have I changed for the better or worse? You imbibe the good, ignore the bad and remain true to yourself. It's safer to avoid these questions and plough on.

To be honest, I feel, education is no prophylaxis for stupidity! Wisdom comes from practical knowledge and common sense, not something that poring through endless books would teach you.

Successful people are not the ones who never make mistakes, they're the ones who aren't afraid to make mistakes but also pick themselves up and get back after a fall.

Another thing that I've realized is that its important to discover yourself, work on building your strengths, develop better communication skills and have good hobbies. Somehow, at the end of the day, you should be able to hold a good conversation, have a good set of friends to share your best moments and have a sense of humour. Or atleast, retain some 'spirit' in life no matter how hectic or gruelling your schedule will eventually be. Because, at the end of the day, why do you put yourself through all the rigor? To lose enthusiasm in life? Of course not! Nothing is worth that.
Bottom line: Learn to stop and smell the roses. :)

So we watched snippets of this Telugu movie Arjun Reddy (don't worry, I still have my prejudice against the language) and we had a lot of fun poking fun at the blockbuster movie that seems to have got rave reviews for its depiction of 'raw reality'.

I also watched the Good Doctor from the makers of House MD and yet again another stunningly attractive set of doctors are busy saving lives peforming complicated surgeries and having a great social life a la Grey's Anatomy except there is an autistic doctor with Savant Syndrome also in the fray.

Songs on my mind include:

• Build it better : Aron Wright
• Seetha Kalyanam : Suraj S Kurup
• O Rangrez (from Bhaag Milka Bhaag)

"That's the thing. I don't think I kind of believe in deep down. I kinda think all you are is the things that you do."

The Insomniac's Idiosyncrasies.

What if these thoughts are not my carefully coordinated ruminations but merely the result of random arrangements in my brain that resulted in these specific words, even as I type this?

When you overdose on caffeine and are charged with a hundred different thoughts, it is prudent to blog and scare the few readers away with your useless rambles.

So first things first, we had our Ortho Internals and I made up a lot of rubbish including the meaning of Orthopaedics (yes, we had a second paper for our practicals with many more opportunities for me to mess up). Atleast a TB Hip/ Spine would have made my day but CTEV was a small reprieve. And that reminds me, Ilizarov (from the limb lengthening technique) said something like this:

'Any biological organism when subjected to constant stress under living conditions, is expected to grow.'

I quote this not out of a bout of inspiration that if we induce ourselves with the right amount of stress, it would catapult us into greater heights (you could do that too, Fyi) but out of sheer annoyance and frustration with the supposed Imposition awarded to us by the OBG department for our unplanned 'mass bunk'. Clearly, subjecting us to irrational punishments has only got us at the end our patience and at our wit's end. -_-

But when I'm not mindlessly copying lines from Shaw's, we've been taking a lot more cases this term asking every Savitramma, Ratnamma, Basamma or Vasanthamma their history. When we're not taking gynaec cases, I'm discreetly judging women by their belly bump to pounce on any pregnancy in the 3rd trimester to take their case and possibly proceed with the examination. Apart from this, its a Cat and Mouse game of trying not to draw the attention of Dr S for sitting, breathing and basically daring to live. -_-

Apart from these facts and and the ominous fact that my going home remains dependant on the End Posting, college is progressing as usual. So it was Abhi's bday last week and we had a some real fun :) I don't think I've laughed until my stomach hurt in recent times!

I think the best time of my day is in fact the night when I'm uncluttered of all unnecessary niceties and have my freedom, even if, only for a few hours. Yes, of course, all these chains and shackles are in my own head.

Take a moment.

• Before you yell at that boy for nearly running into you, take a moment to realize he's pushing a trolley of food for your own mess.
• Before you assume the worst, give people the benefit of doubt or a chance to explain their actions.
• Before you curse profanities upon someone for inconveniencing you, understand that they're only doing their job.
• Before you give someone a piece of your mind, take a deep breath and just let it go! Whatever it is that's bothering you, it isn't worth your peace of mind. 

Reading some new and interesting things these days; from the development of language in an infant (Skinner Vs Chomsky), science of emotion (when you see a tiger, do you run because of the fear or do you feel fear because you run..?) and even the physiology of hunger and satiety (my obesity prone elevated leptins should have diminished taste sensations but as Abhi rightly said, my taste buds seem to be on the higher end of the spectrum) and the neurochemistry of addiction (mice which were taught to work for a stimulation that would result in a reward (Dopamine treaaattt!) would do so even at the cost of their starvation and thirst just to receive that 'kick'.

On yet another note, I would hate to agree with my annoyingly accurate father as to how social media is a double edged sword and must be used wisely and I never seem to accrue this simple wisdom that even my sister seems to have been bestowed with. -_-

Ohhhh and before I forget, Ma's part of this White Whale Challenge that's being organized by the folks at Science Utsav.
Basically, they've got the parent community involved in activities and tasks that they've got to submit in a day. While Day 1 had Ma going to the near and dear relatives for a 'free hug thing', Day 2 was about thanking the people in the community who help us like the milkmaid, postman, driver, lift attender and so on.

I'm actually quite surprised and interested by this initiative and also extremely happy that Ma is game enough to take on something as spontaenous as this! :)

Although I feel confused and annoyed 2826282927 times a day for all the mind numbing, thick skulled drama around me and the rubbish that is thurst upon my disinterested ears, I also feel at peace for atleast some semblance of sanity that prevails despite the murky waters. It also gives me hope of better times ahead.

*Everything has changed: Ed Sheeran* :)

Ciao!

Delirious Doom

This may not be the smartest thing to do right now but I'll still do it anyway.

So we (Abhi and I) had been to the Paediatric Quiz of IAP at SIMS Govt. College on September 5th. The first round was an MCQ round and was fairly easy based on our prep from the relevant mcq books. The participants were from JNMC, SDMMC, AAMC, KIMS Hubli, BIMS, SNMC and SIMS. It was after we made it to the finals that the real test began. While the questions were case based and required specific answers, they were moderate to difficult in terms of level of ease. The team from SIMS stood first and will move to the state level quiz next. The Belgaum and Dharwad Team did exceptionally well while we were left behind after the initial dry spell. At long last, we reached the end of the quiz and managed to scramble a few points to climb out of the last spot.

Nevertheless, it was an experience none the less and it shows how much more is expected of us. While I am thankful for this 'enlightening' experience, it also brings forth the unpleasant reality of studying in a private college. Or perhaps its not always to do with where you are but what you make out of it, irrespective of the odds. There are always exceptions in either cases.

Apart from being looked down upon in the social circle and from your colleagues, you yourself begin to detest yourself for not matching up to the standards. Its probably justified but at the end of the day, you've somehow got to bridge the gap.

Adulting is no joke and I don't like the uncertainty that it brings along with the gift of freedom.

2nd September was one maddeningly hectic day. Reached Bangalore at 4AM amidst heavy rainfall, Dad had come to pick us up so Abhi, Accamma and I bundled up into the car and headed home where we snoozed for a while (until Bupp and Bm Shivu, our birds above) decided to sing and welcome us. After some initial running around to meet the Dermatologist (in vain) we headed home, finished other activities and finally set off towards Govi's house for the first time. As it happens, Govi's mother gave as an amazing intro into veg Andhra cuisine and we enjoyed our meal thoroughly.

At this point, I had to leave in the midst of the pouring rains (aided by Govi's brother) and managed to catch an auto towards an institute of importance. After goading the auto driver to take me as fast as possible across the city with promises of 'meter mele extra kodthini', I sat back and began to breathe. Finally, I made it in time and the next 2.5hrs were spent in discussion. We left after this and MaPaDi and I got ready at breakneck speed and again plowed through the traffic towards Airport Road for BP's Sister's wedding. After a sumptous meal and some photo sessions, MaPaDiMe and Namrata left towards home.

This one day showed me how notorious Bangalore's traffic is and how ill equipped our roads are to handle an evening of heavy rains. It just left me exhausted in many ways.

The next day was fairly uneventful. I took Accamma out on a Metro ride, we had our first waffle and then hitched an auto back home, packed up and left towards the railway station amidst fresh onset of showers.

Back in Shimo. Pharyngotonsilitis has given way to that hateful dry irritant cough that leaves me barking in the middle of a silent class or unable to stand in the OPD even as the cough refuses to subside. Internals upcoming. Stress has built a nice home for itself in the annals of my brain and its up to me to demolish or build a skyscraper.

Cya later Readers!

Alexithymia.

People who are overweight and do a lot of emotional eating are more likely to have a hard time identifying their feelings – what psychologists call alexithymia. —R. Wolever, B. Reardon, & T. Hannan, The Mindful Diet, 2016

Today we had a session on Transplant Surgery by doctors from Apollo Hospitals Bangalore. The first speaker Dr. Sandeep, gave a brief intro about the liver anatomy, pathology of cirrhosis and grading of Liver Failure based on Child Pugh Score and the MELD score which are all used to decide whether and when a patient needs a liver transplant.

Next, we had Dr Mahesh, a transplant surgeon taking us through the transplants that they conducted at their hospital, ranging from cadaveric donors to live donors, from cardiac and liver transplants to Pancreas and Kidney Transplant (for Diabetic Patients with Renal Failure) and even the rare (but possible) Small Bowel Transplants. We were shown several videos of how the set up for a transplant surgery looks and several surgeries in progress.

Lastly, but most importantly, we had the awe inspiring Dr. Bharat Dubey taking us through his journey from King George, Lucknow to AIIMS for his post graduation and currently at Apollo where he is a Cardiothoracic surgeon who regularly performs transplants as well.

Peppered with inspiring anecdotes, surgery videos and the occasional self indulgent photo, he gave a short but memorable journey through the challenging road of cardiac surgery.
 From complicated MICS to LVADS, from Arterial Switch Operations to LVADS, he explained several procedures and finally concluded by a video of cardiac transplantation right from harvesting it from a donor, establishing a green corridor for the transport, the transplant itself and the sinus rhythm on the ECG monitor post transplant.

It was a wonderful session that reminded me that I was pursuing no ordinary profession. :)
To sum it up is this quote that Dr. Bharath shared as he encouraged us to dream bigger and how the medical profession is constantly evolving hence, we can expect further developments in the coming years..

"Set a goal to achieve something that is so big, so exhilarating that it excites you and scares you at the same time."

Reason.

Do you ever look for a reason,
When you stand in the rain,
To welcome the first shower of the season
As the hesitant drops splash across your skin?

Do you really need an excuse,
To explain the appeal of the waves?
How the sea is your eternal muse,
And why the blue sea is all that your heart craves?

Do you ever care to ask yourself,
Why the mountains hold you under their spell?
Breathing in the intoxicating misty air,
Why, in the snow clad peaks forever you could dwell?

Then why do you look for a reason,
To explain the mind's unfathomable ways?
To your own conscience it is a treason,
To demand answers for what the heart says.

Monologues.

I see two possibilities. I'm either going to blog with unwanted frequency or I'll close the blog and call it a day.

As ugly as within

Currently listening to:

• Neenillade (Ondu Motteya Kathe)

• Just Like Honey (the one from Lost In Translation)

• Lag Ja Gale : different versions by various singers but come back often to the original by Lata Mangeshkar (I am a boring old woman who listens to the same songs on repeat until they ferment in my brain)

I'm also glad that I finished reading:

• City of Joy (definitely an interesting read, an eyeopener into the lives of the slum dwellers of Calcutta, the happiness amidst the suffering and the ray of hope amidst illness and poverty.

• Marley and Me (can I please get a doggo now?)

• Oliver's Story (Finding love after the loss of your loved one. A sequal to Love Story by Eric Segal)

Anyhoo its back to college and I'm once again in surgery postings. This time we've been divided into 3 units of 10 students. So yesterday we saw two different stages of presentation of the same condition: Carcinoma of the Stomach.

First we saw an elderly female patient with history of abdominal pain since 20 days. Apart from this, she gave history of passage of dark colored stools. Examination did not reveal any findings. Based on the age and the complaints, the professors suspect an advanced stage of gastric cancer and have requested for endoscopy for correlation.

Next we saw a case of a 35 y/o female from Shimoga who was operated for gastric carcinoma. She had initially come with pain in the abdomen after meal and complaints or regurgitation of food. Suspecting PUD, endoscopy was performed. Here, ulcers were detected and the biopsy confirmed H.pylori infection and dysplasia.

After treatment with Anti H.pylori regimen, the patient did not experience relief of symptoms. A repeat biopsy was done and a second opinion was sought which confirmed the gastric carcinoma. The patient was operated at Kidwai Bangalore for a gastrojejunostomy and had come for a check up with the tube. A mother of a young girl, this lady will now require chemotherapy once her lab reports are complete and satisfactory.

Life often throws us into unexpected turns. And there isn't anything we can do about it but to face it head on. Which is why, when the road is clear, the path is straight; keep going and don't dawdle.

Today I saw the surgery for varicose veins for the first time. Its called the Trendelenberg operation and they ligate the tributaries of the GSV and then introduce a stripper, ligate the perforators and then remove the stripper (along with the shrunken vein) in one Strong tugging movement. It went on for quite some time because according to Gopinath Sir, 'It was a jungle inside with fibrosis and inflammation'. 

When the OT goes on for far more than your stomach can wait, your stomach decides to protest. And loudly, the rascal. In fact, today was the orchestra of several hungry stomachs singing in unison. The best way to deal with this is look straight ahead at the table with such conviction that even the ones next to you will believe that it possibly the patient who is hungry and not you!

Watched OMK with Abhi and had Dinner at Anmol midweek. I think I would like that to be the highlight of my week. I just remembered this thing that we had learnt in programming/ JAVA during high school. Something about memory allocation. 

I don't remember it well enough but when you delete one value and add another instead, it occupies the same 'space'. Or something along those lines, I can't get the exact words. I don't think we can do that. You cannot erase a memory you wish to forget by creating new memories. Hah! Life is not so simple that you vapourize an unpleasant experience with a poof!

You accept it, you acknowledge it and you rectify it for what it's worth. You can move farther ahead by acceptance than by denial. Sometimes. :)

Tata!!

This Or That.

They say I think in binaries. 0 or 1. Black or White. Good or Bad. Necessary or Unnecessary.  I see no in between, no intermediate entity. I have always had clear cut definitions. I don’t like blurriness; be it in my vision or in my perspectives. This is how I’ve always been. Do I want to change that? I don’t think so. That perhaps explains the uneasiness that gnaws within me.

There is so much I want to do. Am I really working in that direction? Or am I just working and waiting for everything to miraculously materialize? Ugh, I don’t know where this is stemming from but I’m feeling a lot of discontentment about myself. Is it probably inversely proportional to how ‘happy’ I momentarily feel?

I pride myself for my ability to not be influenced by the choices of those around me. It is one trait I hold close to myself hence, I’m pondering if I am consciously responsible for my actions or have I been influenced by those around me, willingly or unwillingly. 

Gokarna, March 2017 with Abhi and BP.

I don’t have the answers to any of these. I know I think too much, trust me, I don’t like it either that my brain keeps churning out such inane rubbish in the midst of an Aortic Aneurysm and I tuck away these thoughts in a tiny cubicle in my brain, assuring it that I will open the Pandora’s Box once I get the time to blog about it. :)

I want to talk a lot more but I don’t know if this is the medium to unload all my burdens, but it makes sense to reflect to oneself instead of somebody else because you will eventually hear an opinion, an advice, a suggestion or better still, a similarity in thought. All of which is unnecessary when all you need is a mirror. A plain mirror to lay the bare truth in front of your eyes; with all its ugliness, its scars, bruises and perfect imperfections. And that cannot come from anyone but me. (To cut a long story short, I find it as important, or probably more important to understand myself, consolidate my thoughts and be a whole person by myself than anything else. 

Or is this defensive attitude stemming from my fear of being influenced by new ideas and thoughts? 

What is nice may not be necessary and what is necessary may not be nice. 

In the end, nothing matters except what you believe in, what you stand for and what you do.

Subtleties are always better. I could write a million lines on everything I can imagine, which a far more powerful tool than reality is. I want my imagination back. I find much more beauty in metaphors, in an indefinite entity than in the raw face of reality. 
Maybe. 

And that reminds me;

http://scienceblogs.com/mixingmemory/2006/07/17/the-cognitive-science-of-art-r/

Read under ‘Perceptual Problem Solving’. I remember reading those very lines in VS Ramachandran’s Emerging Mind.

On an unrelated note, the marriage seems to have bitten the GRS family cousins as 2* more have fallen for the trap and wedding bells shall be ringing throughout this year. 

Jogging everyday hasn’t helped in physically (Let’s be honest :P ) but it certainly elevates my mood and automatically trashes all the clutter that I tend to attract with a magnet. -_-

Can’t wait to meet my super-achieving Minnulli over this month end (hopefully). :)

Bye Bye Old Faithful :)

(Trust me I’m not a raving lunatic who fondly addresses a virtual entity and distances actual people who listen to her. I just like me more.) 

Oh Bee Ji, Sir Jerry and more

This was supposed to be this exuberant post about the many things going on right now in life but it’s going to be all the headlines sans that dose of saccharine sweetness!

I realize that I’ve not spoken much about how college is going on in a long time.

So we had Surgery Postings and it wasn’t too bad. Nagraj Sir did a fairly good job with every class that he engaged us in. We took cases (most of us) and presented them. The EPT wasn’t all that great though, I basically had to speak over Arun Kumar Sir to let him know that I did know a thing or two and he didn’t have to answer his own damn question all the time! We saw a lot of ulcers (in the leg and foot), sebaceous cysts, varicose veins, hernias (inguinal as well as umbilical), a few cases of lumps in the breast and one of thyrotoxicosis. On the whole, it gave us about 15 cases in one month and ample time for me to watch Suits when the OPD would be empty. We didn’t get to go to the OT this term since the seniors get preference but there weren’t too many cases in the first place, truth be told.

It’s been about 2 weeks since OBG started and it’s a lot more organized than the other department which is a double edged sword. The good thing is that there is no dearth of cases here so all you need to do is to be on the lookout for the case you need. I had to present a case of Fibroids along with an absconding adjacent batch mate and it was not bad, I guess.

The Ophthalmology Department expects us to present seminars on designated topics every week and my last one was a COMPLETE disaster so I had to make amends this time. The topic was Colour Blindness and so there was ample scope for pictures and the occasional joke. As usual, I was nervous prior to the seminar and from what I was told, I hurried through the slides but it was definitely a lot better than the previous one. :)

And yes, last week I ended up attending NISACON 2016 in JNMC Belgaum. I’m not really sure how the whole thing transpired but one thing led to another and Akhila and I did this race against time to reach Belgaum. It was a budget mission (that blew completely out of proportion) and the KSRTC bus strike at that time just made things all the more difficult for us (not the mention the yearly Purle Jaathre that COMPLETELY blocks the road connecting our college to the rest of Shimoga). So we boarded a bus to Harihar, another to Davangere to reach the Railway Station at 6:40 for the Sampark Kranthi Express scheduled to arrive at DVG at 6:40PM precisely. Thankfully Indian Railways doesn’t always adhere to the aforementioned timings so we had enough time to grab some dinner parcels and catch our breath before setting off towards Belgaum (unsure of our accommodation). 

As Akhila managed to convince normalcy on the homefront, we realized that we might have to travel by ourselves to the campus in the middle of the night and this was unsettling. I was quite lucky that MaPa agreed on such short notice and had even arranged stand-by accomodation with Chikkoo (my first roommate, FYI) But thankfully, I realized it was just me being HD because the JNMC peeps were there at the station to pick us up and we did get accommodation after reaching campus around 1.30AM (Whaaaaaat?!) The next two days passed in a blur; workshops on Surgical Skills (which was pretty cool considering how we actually tried out the suture techniques on artificial material) and ECG (which was good but just not enough time to actually know it that well), campus tours with Adi (surprise surprise!), some interesting lectures on Robotic Surgery (it’s the future of surgery, they say) and even a DJ night which wasn’t half bad. (or maybe I’m finally getting a hang of them :’) )

On the third day, the seven of travelled to Gokak by bus, boarded another to Gokak Falls and took a God-forsaken unbearably jam-packed bus to Godachina Malki falls which had a good view but given that it was a Sunday; it was quite populated. The return journey took hellishly long and the seating arrangement is something I’d like to forget at the earliest! *that moment when all of us start yelling at the conductor when he actually dared to ask us to budge a bit to seat yet another passenger in the overloaded bus*

Nevertheless, we managed to reach just in time for the bus back to Shimo and after a mild e-ticket scare; we hogged on parcelled KFC and called it a night. The next morning it was back to business in OBG and thus, it was the end of a short but memorable trip. It was unexpected and I came back with some unexpected memories :)

On the whole, the past month had some interesting events and its fair share of excitement and drama. It’s been a long time since I’ve set foot in Bangalore (for a sufficiently long time) and it looks like even this time it’s going to be a “flying visit” but one does not mess with the OBG Ladies so I can’t do much about it. -_-

Something about the travel to Belgaum made me realize how different life is in North Karnataka. It kind of explains why people from NK are the way they are. Of course, I might be generalizing but there’s a stark contrast with how things are back home in Namma Bengaluru where are aplenty and there is no dearth of options for a person unlike how it up north. Here a person might have to work against odds to reach their destination and that’s probably what makes them resilient in the face of hardships.

Books I’ve been reading include:

• Sensory Deception (All about sensory saturation and virtual reality set against the backdrop of global warming and animal extinction)
• It happens for a reason by Preethi Shenoy (about premarital pregnancy in the Indian setup and the aftermath based in Bangalore)
• Letters to Love (another run-of-the-mill story about two adults thrown together after a tragedy and how they move from staunch enemies to something else. -_-)
• Detour from normal (About how a person with mental illness copes with it and analyses what he is going through)
•  Flying blind (based on Amelia Earhart’s final expedition where she went missing and subsequent attempts to trace her)
• Into The Wild by John Krakauer (a thought provoking book about the life and times of a young man who sets out an a solo expedition in Alaska. Described by some as foolish and lauded by others for his bravery, his story will nevertheless leave you thinking for longer than you might be prepared for.)

Musicophilia:

• Stand In The Rain (Superchick, TB to the old times, Heard this recently on my old phone)
• Thinking Out Loud (Ed Sheeran. I watched Me Before You recently)

Ciao :)

YOLO

There’s just so much going on lately that there’s been no time to sit down and blog it out  and yet the urge to pen down my thoughts only gets stronger.

I probably can’t provide a detailed account of everything that’s happened lately but here are the highlights:

• Aynur scenes on Manjushri’s Gaadi with Abhi (all because we didn’t want to stay on campus on that particular evening). We went ahead by 13kms and then realized that we’d already crossed Aynur so we drove back and then made our way to Aynur Dam (which doesn’t exist. It’s a lake which was drying up) but nevertheless we had a good time racing on the highway until the gaadi became all wobbly!

                          

 

• Home scenes: I’ve been going home every 10 days or so and things are improving only very slightly. Bheemi is bored at home since Science camp is over, the 3 day outdoor camp is also over and there’s nothing to do other than bug the birds or Ma. I’m not sure where things are headed but I’ve got the knack of filtering out these worries from my brain and feeding new ones when I get back to college. I wish I could spend more time with her given how she doesn’t play with the neighbourhood kids or by herself. The comparisons with the present scenario and the seemingly idyllic childhood that I had only puts more pressure on everyone and I hope once school starts, the usual routine will put everyone back in gear.

• Mama and his Toastmasters:

I haven’t spoken much about the famous Balu Mama (yep, he’s quite famous among my friends) here and this seems like a good time. So being the CFO of Fidelity, he is definitely a busy man but his dedication to his passion is noteworthy. Initially it was music and he made time for it and attended the classes in the midst of tiny tots and improved gradually. Today he sings well during Karaoke sessions at home with other fellow music lovers.

About 2 years ago, he took up Toastmasters to improve his public speaking skills given how he is required to speech to large gathering in his work capacity. I’ve been listening to his speeches and reading his scripts from his early days and I can only marvel at the improvement he has shown over time. The effort he puts in for every weekly speech is noteworthy given how he spends most of his time at office or in transit. These days he is participating in competitions and making waves in the Toastmaster circles. Given how he is now mastering the finer nuances of the art of oration, I can no longer provide any criticism to his speeches.

The other day we were at Cubbon for Di’s mountaineering class and Mama presented his speech. He describes how in his college days, cricket was his passion and in one such match, he was fielding and his arch rival was batting. While the ball came in his direction and he caught in the nick of time, not many knew that it had crossed the boundary line. While that remained within him and nagged him in spite of winning the match, it was only later in life did he face the bigger challenge.

While working in one of the international banks in his younger days, he was offered a senior position if he agreed to certain terms and conditions. On closer looks, he realized what they expected of him was unacceptable and would only land him in a soup later. It was a tough choice and the promise of luxury was inviting but the burden of guilt would be too much and nothing was worth the peace of mind he could have. Thus he left and began working is way up all over again in Fidelity.

Thus, we are often faced with tough decisions in life, sometimes the line between what is right and what is wrong is a thin one and not everyone might appreciate it but as long as you can see the line, you need to exert your will power and do the right thing.

I’m also thankful to him for making a huge difference in the light of recent events. Words cannot express how his timely intervention softened Pa’s stance. I only shudder to think of how things would have progressed if not for him. Whatever he said definitely had an impact and made Pa look at things slightly more broadly.

• Demedcon 2016

So we attended the Neurology workshop and the quiz at Devraj Urs Medical College. BP, Govi and I had a good time.

• Abhi and Avm were in Bangalore in the same week and we all (including BP and Govi) spent some time together. Di and I joined them later at BlueO and we spent time bowling, Di had some Gaadi scenes of her own and then headed home. Di did a lot of photography and turns out she was not half bad. The evening was memorable one but the evening didn’t go along expected lines but maybe hoping for it to was just my foolishness.

• There are plenty of thoughts running in my mind but I don’t think they deserve the importance of me brooding over them. Nothing is constant. It’s all about priorities. Happiness is a choice, a conscious decision and once you make it, it's not about the circumstances you are in. It's about the way you choose to react to it. A wise frog once said, react to yourself and not for others. It's best to deal with your thoughts within your own cranium rather than expecting others to understand. 

• I participated in the 5K Speakathon on May 1 which was to raise funds for the speech and hearing centre in Shimoga. A good number of people turned up and several of our professors were all set for a good jog on a Sunday morning. So Shobith was also participating in the event so he picked us (Akkamma, Varsha and I) and we registered and got our Tees. It wasn't all that tiring and we jogged/ brisk walked for the most part and got our certificates. After the mandatory photo session we all parted ways. It was a good start to the day and definitely a great initiative in Shimoga. I wish I was fit enough to participate in the 10k! Maybe next year :)

• And the countdown begins! I’m thrilled to bits about the upcoming trip and can’t wait for this vacation. After all the uncertainty and confusion in the past 2 months, all I want to do is explore new territory and get lost in the midst of nature! I’m going to stay off the radar (hopefully) and do some much needed soul searching. Paediatric postings are at stake but then, you just can’t let go of some opportunities…. :P  

ENT internals are coming up over this weekend but all I can think of is what lies ahead. It’s about time I get back to Semicircular canals and turbinates.

Retrospective Study.

Sometimes, the smallest things take up the largest place in our heart. –Quote along similar lines by Winnie the Pooh.

Truth is bitter and there is nothing more disagreeable than hearing it from the very people who you thought would defend you. When your worst fears are confirmed by the one you trust the most, you really don’t know yourself anymore. I am not who I was, I don’t like who I am but I can’t seem to understand when did I even change. It’s like cancer, growing within you insidiously, destroying you surreptitiously from the inside until one day you wake up to see that you’re no longer who you were. The question is, how much has this cancer progressed? Can I really get back to who I was? My problem is why do I believe so much in the goodness of “who I was”? Maybe I’ve had the flawed gene for a long time now…

Dad studied in Suratkal for 5 years and he describes his hostel life as one of the experiences that taught him a lot about life. One of the reasons (other than the gaadi) for his reluctance on me shifting out of campus was his belief that staying in would teach me a thing or two about people skills and also give me a lot of memories of hostel life. It’s been over 30 years and he still has a connection with some of them. Question is will you be remembered 30 years from now? Career, life, family and everything moves on but we always remember how people made us feel

Once you’ve recognized that there is a problem at hand, you need to figure out a way to eradicate the problem by the roots. I don’t know where or how to begin and honestly if it would make a difference but I will have to make an attempt. It feels like broken glass can’t be pieced back together but to know that I’m no different from the very people I wanted to differ from makes me want to try harder. Giving up on people is easy (and that’s the convenient route I’ve been taking) but the challenge lies in trying to set things right even when you want to walk out. I’ve been saying that school and college friends know me well and they are all the friends I need, but is that an excuse? I guess not.

In the end, we all want to be happy doing what we love with the people who matter to us and being there for the people who mean everything to us. Is that so hard? It actually is when you aren’t sure of what you’re doing AND you don’t know anybody anymore!

Along happier lines, MaPaDi were here over the weekend since Di’s done with her final exams (and I wasn’t really making any headway with my internals preparation). We did a short trip to Jog falls and it was good. It is also likely that the highlight of 2016 will be in the month of May. I can’t say much until it’s all finalized but I’m super excited to be traveling again!

Movie Marathon:

1. Deadpool (Profanity Fest! A witty and sarcastic take on a superhero movie instead of the usual glorification)
2. Scent Of A Woman (a 90s classic, Al Pacino plays a blind man out to fulfil a few of his last desires and to help him in his quest is a young boy with troubles of his own)
3. Flipped (Probably one of the cutest movies I’ve ever watched in the most non cheesy way because the protagonists are still kids. It also makes you think because there is a lot of truth in what’s said…)

I’ve been cycling lately (thanks to VP’s cycle and Liki managing to get it to campus) with Abhi and BP and it’s a lot of fun! :)

On the academic front, last week was my disastrous Ophthalmology seminar and I clearly didn’t put enough time or effort into it and hence suffered the consequences for the same in front of my 90 classmates. ENT postings are coming to an end and not a day passes without the juniors piping up with the answers whether it’s related to Pharmacology or Anatomy. The good thing is that in spite of the shortage of cases in this season, Lohith Sir explains every case and tries to give us an orientation about ENT.

Toodles :)

When Newton was wrong.

When Newton was wrong.

This may seem cliché but I’d still like to say it. Every high school student worth his salt would know the 3 Newtonian Laws of Motion and if you were wacked enough (like mee) to apply it to everyday life then you’d disagree with them.

My pet peeve is the 3rd Law which proclaims that every action would have an equal and opposite reaction. Now, I’d just like to say that if you stopped reacting to everything (and that IS possible as I’ve recently discovered) you would be in a lot more peaceful state of mind. Of course it ain’t easy to hold back what’s at the tip of your tongue but believe me, there is an odd sense of satisfaction in knowing that the less said, the better.

Highlights of the past month include:

• Two trips to Bangalore in a span of 15 days. Spent time with Di watching Pingu and Frozen, making cards for amma and generally chatting about the problems in Rekha Chopra ma'am's class.  

• Attended Nammu’s sister’s marriage (My first experience at a North Indian wedding. Mind=blown.) They make the South Indian weddings seem like a really serious affair because there was so much music and dance everywhere not to mention food for the hungry souls. So BP and I attended the Sangeet and everything from the bright and colourful sets, dance numbers by all the family members from the tiny tots to the aunty uncle to the variety of cuisines was great. I realized I haven’t been to a wedding in ages! Can’t wait to have some wedding in the family so we can get involved in all the excitement. I also kind of realized that SO MUCH work goes into the big day that it’s actually scary and weird thinking of it.  

• Road trip scenes on gaadis for the first time this year on the Gajanur-Sakrebailuru route. Managed to get gaadi from the local Frog, soon others procured gaadis and we were off on a long ride. Being in the hostel, getting to go out of the city is a lovely feeling. These days, the PG classes are twice or thrice a week so we haven’t been out much. This was one beautiful evening. 

• Went to Hassan, met Sanjana, spent time around the campus and came back in a day. Informed MaPa on the way back. Pa: “You managed it on your own. Nice!”

• Ophthalmology postings have concluded and we have now commenced with Otorhinolaryngology postings (ENT)
• Finally convinced the muscles of my body to work it together and cleaned the pile of rubbish in my room to make it habitable. Now I don’t have visitors standing at the doorway wary to step inside the clutter bin. Oh well, they say a creative mind has chaos. I just have chaos inside as well as outside.
• Watched several good movies lately including:
• Sound of Music: Watched it on the train, enjoyed it. Made an old man’s day by giving him the movie since he got really excited when he saw what I was watching. He was rattling away the name of the actress and other movies of hers while I nodded absently. Who’d know that a 60 plus man from Bhadravathi would be so fond of the movie that he’d be willing to delete everything on his phone just for that movie!
• Dead Poet’s Society: Another beautiful movie with an unexpected twist in the end. Robin Williams plays an English teacher and inspires his students with his out of the box approach.
• To Sir, With Love: Yes, I’ve been watching some classics. :)
• Finally finished all the episodes of all the seasons of Modern Family! I can’t quite explain my addiction for this serial actually. Maybe it’s Phil Dunphy!
• There’s so much I have to do all I do is sleep or watch random stuff on the laptop
• I don’t belong here. AT ALL. I don’t belong anywhere. I feel “homeless” in a psychological way that I can’t explain. Do you know that feeling where you just do not feel at all? (yes, I know that didn’t sound right) But what I mean is have you ever not felt anything? Just empty and hollow when you’re actually supposed to feel angry or sad? These days I’m just like “chuck it, I can’t change what people think!” I mean, maybe you do owe an explanation to people who matter. But that number is thinning by the day and I’m strangely okay with it. 
• Why do we have the tendency to repeat the mistakes we’ve done? We know what’ll hurt us and yet we foolishly dig our own graves in some false delusion. If it’s about people, have the least expectations. If it’s about you, expect more from yourself. Always.
• Musicophilia:
• Kheench Meri Photo (there's something addictive) 
• Manma (don't judge me) 
• GF BF (Have you ever heard a song somewhere and struggled to remember it until you finally hear it again?!) 
• Love Yourself- Justin Beiber 
• Haminastu
• I'm friends with the monster- Rihanna 
• I need a vacation. ASAP
• THIS HEAT IS KILLING ME

Fables of February.

No event is complete without being chronicled in the vestiges of my blog so here goes!

It all began with the sports day where we were once again divided into 4 groups with ludicrous names just like last year (Ancilers: fondly known as Ant hills, alzhiemers and silencers, Spartans, Phoenix and Nighthawks Reloaded) and two events were scheduled per day. There were two days in the stadium and day 1 was fairly interesting because I wasn’t with the people I usually hang out with but I think I managed fairly well. First half was with Jeslin and Shaheen :) Second half was with Govi and Avm and the best part was zooming around solo on a gaadi, playing baddie and yes, hogging! I won a badminton match, lost a chess match so it was all square at the end of the day. Day 2 was Baddie Day and I was expecting the inevitable but Lady Luck smiled upon me in my third attempt. The best part was not the end but every time anyone said anything supportive! Just like the team supporting me even though the truth was inevitable last year, I never expected people would do so, but it really boosts your morale by a million points (Even if it’s just short-lived). The whole team spirit thing is actually great to some extent but when clashes occur, it can get ugly as was witnessed on several occasions.

And after all this was the customary Ethnic Day where all we did was smile and pose for pictures which would eventually lose their value. We did have a few games in the afternoon and post this we rushed to the PG classes after which I still had some work to do regarding the Antakshari.


So the culturals was on 13th and 14th. On 13th we had the Quiz (we came 2nd! :D 3rd time in a row -_- Will I ever be 1st?!, Pot Pourri and a few other events. Although I had boldly signed up for a lot of random events, preparing the much awaited Antakashari with a scheming frog was taking up a lot my time! The fact that the frog in question raids phones, laptops and watches censored Dubsmash videos led to a lot of confusion and probably gave free entertainment to anyone watching the E-Library CCTV footage. So the 3 (Maniesh, me and Rajesh-the fat frog) worked on it until we had all the rounds set and we would at least not get cornered by the contestants themselves! (Given that we were dreading a certain contestant’s prowess in Bollywood).

 Day 2 was hectic because I decided I would indeed go on stage and willingly make a fool of myself by participating in non-filmy singing (incidentally I came 3rd among the few participants present), my laptop was discovered to lack the port for the cable for projecting on a screen (VGA Something) and I was foolish enough to audition for anchoring, get selected and then get embroiled in a confusion I still don’t understand. After some last moment panic attacks, the presentation and videos played on screen and the antakshari went fairly well (obviously thanks to my superior anchoring skills). We had a round where the audience had to guess the movie starring a rare Jodi and sing a song from the same, another where we played the audio of a song and the video of another song with similar traits (Such as Dhola Re and Pinga) and the team had to answer a question on either the audio or video, another on the music directors and director combinations in Bollywood and so on.

After a day’s break where the air was finally cleared on all the anchoring business, there was more work to do! I borrowed Vindhya’s gaadi (probably one of the 3 mistakes of 4th year) and Shivam (Junior) and I set off on a long ride; first to McGann (to invite the IMA President Dr. Shivayogi, then to Vinobhanagar: Kundur’s place for my saree (which we reached after a lot of chasing the wrong people on the wrong road scenes- It’s pretty far btw which made me realize, greater the distance from Subbaiah, lesser the bullshit you deal with maybe), then to Subbaiah hospital in Jail Road, Maxx multispeciality Hospital and finally to Manasa Psychiatric Hospital (to invite Dr. Rajni Pai). After some more gaadi related confusion, we finally had everything in place and set to work but it was no easy job. I realized I was anchoring not just with any ordinary frog but with a hyperactive, devious minded, multitalented yet ultra-lazy bullfrog. D-Day arrived and we were still not done with the speech by noon. We were finally done with it by 2PM and I rushed to the mess if there was anything edible left. I was offered Channa if I could walk through a huge tub of chicken and take it. Hungry and famished, at the site of a huge tub of raw chicken, something snapped inside me and I started yelling like an idiot until I was pacified with edible non-animal food and I quietly had what was given. Ugh! The horrors of hostel -_- After this, I was in frenzy because nothing was turning out as planned and I backtracked on my prior plans on second thoughts and that left me in a confounded state. Evening arrived; chief guests arrived well in advance while the VIP Subbaiah student crowd took its own time. It finally began, and it went fairly well (except for the frog croaking “20k16” in the end! xD) After this the cultural programs began and they improved by a degree compared to the previous year. Post programs and dinner was the customary Dj night that went on till the wee hours of the morning. 17th was a well-deserved holiday because most people couldn’t scramble out of their beds until the afternoon.

And yes, it’s all finally over! We’re probably done with all the excitement and drama for the year. As creepy as it sounds, I enjoyed most of it, even though it was tiring, led to conflicts, was a lot of responsibility and there weren’t only victories.. Win or lose, I enjoyed every moment in the journey.. 

I did learn a few things. It’s amazing how people are multitalented, be it sports, dance or music. It takes leadership skills to get a team to do well and it requires a LOT of patience to coordinate events like these. I also realized how multifaceted people are.. 
Everyone’s universe seems so much bigger in contrast to yours that you might just be a speck of dust.. 

Simultanagnosia

So I was reading up on a few new things and I came across this word:

Simultanagnosia

Technically it means “missing the forest for the trees”. Person fails to comprehend an object as a whole and can only perceive only parts of it. A person might look at a table lamp but fail to recognize it for what it is. He or she sees the base of the lamp and assumes it to be something else, like a box or an ashtray. Isn’t that what happens to us sometimes? We get so caught up in little things that we fail to move on to see the bigger picture. What I mean is, don’t let bogged down by petty things, there’s a lot more waiting for you if you change the way you see things. Don’t narrow your vision to just the bare minimum, think of what lies ahead and stay motivated. Sometimes, Life requires us to focus on the finer details but sometimes you need to have a bird’s eye view of the big picture.

Childhood is synonymous with playing outdoors and cuts, bruises and scars and perhaps the trophies of a childhood well spent. I’ve got scars on my knees that’ll last a lifetime thanks to rolling down a road while being chased by dogs and during cycle rides. I remember the one over the knee took awfully long to heal and formed a thick brown scab that I prematurely peeled off until the process had to be repeated. Why am I describing an ugly scar that occurred more than a decade ago? My point is, wounds need time to heal and it’s not something you can rush through. Imagine if I had put a plaster over and continued cycling like the wound didn’t exist? Sure, it wouldn’t look messy initially but eventually the wound would just get worse and take longer to heal. Sometimes it’s important to acknowledge a wound and take steps to treat it. Ignorance IS NOT always bliss in such cases!

People will walk in and out of your life according to their will and wish unless you stand guard and latch the doors. Beware of intruders and don’t be surprised if insiders chose to decamp without notice. Yet, remember that there is always a silver lining. Just when you’re at your wit’s end, Life will surprise you with something that will brighten you up in spite of the thunderstorm. Remember to be thankful for those moments of happiness in the middle of uncertainty, for those people who share their umbrella in the rain and for most of all, remember to believe. Just believe, in yourself, your dreams and your principles.

Literary Ventures:

Eleventh Commandment: Jeffrey Archer
Vision in White: Nora Roberts
The Secret Countess: Eva Ibbotson
Anna Karenina: Tolstoy
Animal Farm: George Orwell
Hitchhiker's Guide: Douglas Adams
Contact: Carl Sagan

Musicophilia:

Sanam Re: Arijit Singh
Pyaasi: Swarathma
Aayat: Arijit Singh
Same Old Love: Selena Gomez

SFCBR: (Early blog readers, you may be familiar with this term)

On a positive note, it is indeed great *giggle* to get back in touch with old, long lost friend and realise that some people don’t change. It’s actually mind blowing to think that though it’s been 13 long years, good people remain inherently the same as they were. Indeed, a pleasant surprise :D It’s also refreshing to see so much positivity and faith in your abilities :’) I also reconnected with Punyakoti after a long time.

Auf Wiedershen (Germanic influence lol)

January Jitters

It’s been so long since I’ve blogged that I’m not even sure I can make sense anymore. So here I am, back in Shimoga, starting off with 3rd year and having a whole new set of goals and (un)realistic expectations.

The past two months have been hectic, gruelling, sleepless and insane. What with confusion over which book to read for Pathology, trying to remember all the bacteria, accept that sexual harassment begins with parasites, cook up side effects for drugs and invent definitions for Forensic terminologies, it has been a mammoth marathon study session in the past two months.

What is also interesting is how each of us coped with the stress. Some turned into grouchy gits, some withdrew into their cocoon, some others resorted to music to shut out the world while a meagre percentage (which deserves a standing ovation) remained themselves and did not show the signs of psychosis.

So there were many things noteworthy since my last blog:

• Di and I had a good time after a really long time. I hadn’t been making time for her so these holidays I tried to make up for it but we still haven’t gotten past the accusation of “Akka, why are you always on Whatsapp?!” She’s smarter than we give her credit for and her thought process reminds me of the time when I too had such a pure and unadulterated mind. She’s a lot more practical while I was the dreamier kind. (I don’t think that has really changed though)

• Meeting up with a few friends (Pinki, Raksha, Sahana, Sindhura, Sanjana, Anjali, Medha, Akshata). It was good catching up with old folks but it also served as a good example of how we’re all constantly evolving in different ways so we can no longer expect to find the same common factors. Ideas evolve, priorities change, and so you can’t really expect that nothing changes. It also serves as an indicator of how people have grown in their respective fields since we all began on separate paths. There were many I couldn’t meet though I really wanted to thanks to the frugal holiday schedule of our college. (Sanjana, Anusha, Mani, V3, Preethi)

• There were also short trips with the family: 
• Pyramid Valley Meditation Centre on Kanakpura Road 
•  Club Cabana with the entire family which turned out to be a lot of fun :) 
• JLR Bandipur and Shukavana in Mysore

Bangalore seems so much more fast paced than when I moved out. Or else it’s just that I’ve become laidback even though I walk around like I’m not. 

•  I ran into Dale and the ENTIRE Deeksha gang at Vinny’s when I was at Green Trends. Nothing could get more awkward than the obvious silence. I have never wanted to use an Invisibility Cloak more. The creepiest bit was one of his crew mates saying “….. Bandipur….” Out of the blue!

•  I’ve restarted working out and I’ve even got a few apps that monitor the calorie counter, step count and all that techno jazz but let’s just hope I’m consistent. (Am I not hopelessly optimistic?)

•  So Abhi had this sudden idea that did not seem plausible initially but when I actually googled it, turns it has great potential. Basically, the bacteria on your phone are unique and share many OUT (Operational Taxonomical Units) commonly with the bacteria from your thumb and index finger which you use for texting. The idea is that every individual has a personal microbiome and this can actually be used in identification (something like a bacterial fingerprint)..

• I’m suffering from PEDD (Post Exam Depressive Disorder) even though I walk around like that’s a fake thing but believe me, it can happen to anyone. Symptoms include lack of enthusiasm in the proceedings of the class and surroundings and the persistent question popping up in mind “What am I really doing in life?”

Relationships with people have been rocky but maybe it has shown me more of who I am and maybe that’s why I’m so disturbed. Ego is a horrible thing that can ruin any relationship so just “throw it out of the window”.

Maybe (actually, definitely) this whole mood swing has got to do with an identity crisis. What am I turning out to be? When we were young, life was all about the next game, new friends, reading novels and there was never any real pressure to perform. As we grow older, responsibilities begin to creep and most of adulthood is probably all about how well we accept these responsibilities. Knowing that responsibilities are a part of life, accepting them with grace and still having the spring in your step, lilt in your voice and sparkle in your eyes would define a successful adult.

Losing enthusiasm is probably the worst thing ever. Your emotional graph reaches a plateau and barely oscillates northwards. We need the variations, that what makes life interesting.

Or maybe (just maaaybe) I’m suffering from PHRS (Post Haircut Regret Syndrome) which will abate in due course.

Seeya!

Playing With Fire.

How foolish could I be to think that I can dissociate from an intrinsic component of myself and assume that I will be fine? Yes, you can amputate the limb but there's no running away from the Phantom pain. There are some things that have become so ingrained in my persona that any attempt to bring about changes will only lead to chaos.

Exams are approaching and I'm supposed to be in hyper-study mode but that doesn't always happen. There are days when I study and I'm happy with what I've read and there are days when I attempt to study but nothing seems to diffuse through the scalp.

These days I've been reading about pathogenic protozoa like Entamoeba, Trypanosoma, Leishmania, Malaria and so on. Malaria for example has a life cycle in the female anopheles mosquito as well in the human host. The bite of the mosquito transfers the sporozoite to the human and this ends up in the liver where the pre-erythrocytic cycle occurs. The meront is formed which later bursts to release merozoites that penetrate the RBC and develop through 3 stages. The trophozoite that is formed matures and upon the bite of the mosquito, it is transferred to the gut of the mosquito in its blood meal. Here the sexual reproduction (sporogony) occurs and there is a zygote formed from the male and female trophozoite that enters into the salivary gland of the mosquito and is transferred to the human host in its next bite. There are 4 major forms of Plasmodium species, P.Vivax, P. Falciparum, P.Ovale and P. Malariae with Falciparum being associated with the highest mortality (Blackwater Fever) and generally presents with fever, chills and sweats that recur periodically. 

So apart from these there are several other protozoans like Toxoplasma that reaches a dead end in the human host. The definitive host being cats and other felines, the infective sporulated oocyst is transferred to humans through any contamination in food and water and it later develops from bradyzoites to tachyzoites  that later form tissue cysts. These are particularly notorious in the immunocompromised and cause life threatening complications when it is congenital like the 3CS: Chorioretinitis, Cerebral calcifications and Convulsions. 

Apart from these there are also creepy crawlies to deal with, their pathogenicity and clinical features being distinct. Some of them worms I've been reading include Diphyllobothrium latum (Fish Tapeworm- it has 3 hosts. It affects humans and then is transmitted to (as coracidium and then procercoid larva) cyclops from where it reaches fish (pleurocercoid) which is consumed by man and the cycle continues..), Echinococcus Granulosus (Dog Tapeworm- where man is only an accidental host and it results in formation of hydatid cysts in the liver and other sites), Taenia solium, Taenia saginata (beef and pork tapeworm that cause complications like neurocysticercosis through its cytsic forms: cysticercus bovis and cysticercus cellulosae) and so on. There's so much more to do in so little time and what's more important is also revising what I've read instead of just going on and on! -_-

Before this, it was Virology and that was quite interesting. Viruses are usually RNA or DNA or in the rare cases of retro viruses (HIV) it's a DNA:RNA virus that forms the genetic material. Viruses can causes almost all sorts of infections:
CNS: KJD, GSS, Rhabdo, Polio
Respiratory: Adenovirus, Rhinovirus, SARS, Orthomyxovirus,
Diarrhoea: Reovirus? Norwalk, Astrovirus..
Haemorrhagic: Arena virus, Ebola, KFD
and so on...

Coming to Pharmacology, there is SIMPLY WAY TOO MUCH! It's not a problem to read up on the new chapters but what is definitely a problem is revising all the drugs we've been reading in the course of one whole year! Just take the names, they sound so familiar, similar and yet so confusing! Take Amiloride, Amiodarone and Amantadine.

• Amiloride is a diuretic that acts at the Collecting Ducts and inhibits the renal epithelial Na+ channels and thus causes diuresis. (I think)

• Amiodarone is a broad spectrum anti-arrhythmic. I think it belongs to class II antiarrythmics and can be used for a wide range of arrhythmias. 

• Amantadine on the other hand is a multipurpose drug: It was introduced as an antiviral drug for treatment of influenza (mechanism is probably something to do with the Neuraminidase and Hemagglutinin antigens on the virus) but was serendipitously found to have anti-parkinsonian effects. It complements the action of Levo-Dopa and can probably used in the early stages. (I think)

• Now Amantadine rhymes with Cimetidine and Ranitidine but don't be confused because those are H2 Proton pump blockers which you would prescribe for Peptic Ulcers and gastritis because they reduce the gastric acid secretions. 

• Similarly, there is Metronidazole, Tinidazole, Satranidazole, Secnidazole that are used in the treatment of amoebic dysentery (E.histolytica) because they have this nitro group that goes inside the Amoeba, gets activated and attracts all the electrons so that the Pyruvate-Ferrodoxin Oxido-Reductase Pathway (PFOR) is inhibited so this ultimately has -cidal action on the pathogen. These are effective in anaerobic conditions if there were to be oxygen they themselves would compete with the nitro group for the electrons.. But don't confuse this with Ketoconazole, Fluconazole, Itraconazole or Voriconazole because these are antifungals that act by inhibiting the cell wall synthesis (I think!)

 I could go on and on and I might actually do more of this sometime :)

Pathology is progressing at snail's pace. I recently read about pathological conditions of the kidney and this itself spanned several days because of its convoluted nature (pun intended). In many cases, the diseases are a classic example of "Subversion from within" as Robbins describes the pathogenicity in HIV-AIDS. For no good reason, antibodies are formed against the basement membrane of the glomeruli and with similar auto-antibodies in the lung, you have your Good-Pasture Syndrome. And then there are immune complexes formed which are deposited giving rise to conditions like HSP and Lupus Nephritis..
Basically there are two clinical presentations:

• Nephrotic : Proteinuria, Lipiduria and Edema
• Nephritic  : Proteinuria, Haematuria and Hypertension

Apart from the glomerular, interstitial and tubular dysfunctions there are neoplasms (Renal Cell Ca), cysts (ADPKD ARPKD), hydronephrosis and so on.. 

Recently a strange thought struck my otherwise dormant frontal lobe. The water we drink is said to be "purified" thanks to the aquaguard water purifiers in the hostel as well as in the college. But nobody really looks into the maintenance of these purifiers or the steel containers that store the water. The water we consume no doubt has some bacteria. So what we could do is do a Coliform Count and also culture the bacteria in several media hoping to see which bacteria turns up. So there are two schools of thought with which we could proceed:

• The water we're drinking is fairly harmless so if the reports show presence of any bacteria it would mean our body has developed some level of resistance of these bacteria over time. This could be compared to water supply in a fairly cleaner source and see if there is any pathogenicity of these bacteria in a different region.
• The second approach would be to see if the water we're drinking has actually caused any disease in the hostelites and identify the causative bacteria. Has the bacteria evolved to evade the purification and become resistant? Again, one could compare with another water source and observe the trends.

As Uppi Sir said, it is a viable project (that I could attempt after 2nd year even if that means it can't be an ICMR project because the deadline for ICMR would be January when I'd be in the middle of practical exams) and I could work on it with the available resources provided and "define the problem" and then work on it. Whenever we begin any such project, it is very important to ferment the ideas into something definitive. What is the purpose of the project, what do you aim to find on microscopic analysis, how would you choose to analyse the data, how are you going to compare this with other water sources and what's the bottom line? One needs to have definitive answers before embarking on something new like this. 

Moving on to matters of the heart and conveniently ignoring Forensic Medicine which I need to read more of, I seem to be in a perpetual state of confusion and disappointment. 

I either have an inherent genetic defect in maintaining relationships- mutated MHR gene (Maintain Healthy Relationship) that probably explains why sometimes somethings never work out with some people. Or maybe I don't put enough into it or don't make amends or I expect too much from people or I just end up with the wrong people! 

Looking back always brings regret, which is why I try my best to steer my hyperkinetic thoughts in the right direction, but then there are times when you wish you had done things differently. I have this "Äll or None" personality. I either give my 100% and give my best to make things work or I don't try at all. I need to find the comfortable middle ground where you stay at a comfortable distance and maintain a better equation with people. 

There are times when I crave for silence. Silence from the chaos of my thoughts that are constantly in motion like electrons colliding against each other in Brownian motion. I crave for some solidarity of my thoughts, some respite from the constant tug of war that distracts me from anything I do. It stems from disappointment: a feeling of repulsion and disgust to who I've become against the stark contrast of who I wish I would be. Adapting to people and circumstances constantly has suppressed the true nature of me. There are moments like these, in these fleeting moments, in the scribbled notes of a story incomplete or an amateur attempt at poetry that I find myself. It is in this silence that I can sense creativity bubbling within me, hoping to find an outlet.

As someone rightly said (or as I understood it), sometimes you need to talk to people. The world feels less of a burden and much more bearable. In my case, it is my blog that I turn to, sad as it seems that it is a mere virtual entity. An imaginary non-existent figament that purportedly contains my thoughts without any reaction but giving me the satisfaction of having unburdened myself. Words, thoughts and ideas are the fuel of my existence. They define who I am and they help me evolve and discover more.Yet, trying to do away with even this mode of release is just slow asphyxia. Like the Carbon Dioxide that we need to exhale out of our system (before it can stimulate the Respiratory Centre in the brain, preferentially bind to the Hb and wreak havoc), my has invariably become a lifeline. A creative process that has become a part of who I am. In the past, the blog was a mere glimpse of who I am. Over time, it has evolved into something more concrete. It's either that, or I've officially gone NUTS. :D It would only be self-destructive to stifle my voice against the waves of conformity. 

I cannot run away from the consequence of my actions, I can only make peace with myself. I cannot rebel against what I chose, I can only accept the reality. In the end, we are not defined by those around us because they are never constant. So there is no point pondering infinitely about how we are perceived by people who do not eventually matter.

What I Do In The Library

• Mature is when you are polite with the people you don’t really get along with because it seems the right thing to do but it’s mistaken as fake.
• Natural is when someone behaves in a certain way that is perceived to be fake by those around him/her. Example: some people have a fake laugh.
• Opportunistic Faking is taking advantage of a situation for your benefit by saying things you do not mean. *Sycophants*
• Synergistic Faking: Two people playing along for a mutual benefit

On a lighter note, I have discovered that I have a rare but seriously awkward condition known as Paroxysmal Laughter Syndrome (PLS). The genetic causes have not yet been established but they occur due to a sporadic mutation in the SNL gene. (Sane and Normal Laughter) Going back to the basics, I read in Vilayanur Ramachandran's neuroscience books that laughter is the body's way of recognizing a false alarm. A mother approaches her 8 month old child with arms outstretched and a serious expression. The baby is surprised and worried that it has done something wrong. As the mother approaches closer, her expression softens and she suddenly takes to tickling the child. The child bursts into peals of laughter at this and creases of fear vanish. Why is it that the child laughed? What is the neurological basis behind this sound produced by the larnyx when we notice a funny incident? The idea is that in the course of evolution over centuries, laughter has evolved as a mechanism of letting the body know that "It's all okay, no harm done". The brain had expected some danger but the turn of events proved contrary and hence we burst into high pitched giggles or happy squeals or sometimes into a loud cackle that causes bystanders some discomfort. So my problem is that I tend to burst out laughing in the most inappropriate circumstances and seem to have no control over it. It might be at a friend's birthday treat, or when I notice two individuals walking or in the middle of class/postings or worse still, while discussing a serious matter with the Principal. A thorough in depth analysis of the reason behind this has brought me to the conclusion that I have a tendency to over-think. When the people around me heard the same sentences, they didn't find anything remotely amusing. But my confounded brain makes some connections that they couldn't imagine (nobody could believe that I would think in that angle) and hence I had a tough time stifling my laughter while the others looked at me in surprise. The other incident could also be attributed to the same cause. The brain processes a simple harmless data into something much more fancy and embellished that appears humorous and hence the intractable giggling in inappropriate situations. What remains now is now I somehow learn the art of keeping a straight face and avoid embarrassment. 

In case you want to know more:

• http://brainworldmagazine.com/neuroscience-of-comedy/ 
• http://www.nature.com/news/1998/981217/full/news981217-2.html

Another thing I discovered recently is the redundancy of Antidepressants. Depression is something many people will claim to have experienced but the few who have been clinically diagnosed with it would know that it is a quagmire of hopelessness that would drag you into its realm and before you know it you are incapable of getting out of the whirlpool of endless thoughts circulating within. From what I know, there are two theories (among others) that are proposed for the pathogenesis of depression.

• BDNF (Brain Derived Neurotropic Factor) is an important component that has an overall role in controlling emotions and thoughts. Any decrease in BDNF could trigger depression.
• Monoamine depletion. Seratonin, Dopamine and Noradrenaline are some of the neurotransmitters whose variation could also contribute to depression. Current antidepression therapy is aimed at mainaining the levels of these neurotransmitters at the optimum levels. Drugs include:
• MAO-B inhibitors: Moclobemide
• Amitryptilline, Nortryptilline, Imipramine, Desipramine, Doxepin, Dothiepin
• Fluoxetine and other SNRIs.
• I can't remember the newer Anti Depressants.
• NUTELLA. This single substance could alter the treatment of MDD radically if it were administered to all those suffering from disappointment, loss, desperation and hopelessness. As most people who have consumed this sinful delight would know by now, Nutella is fairly addictive and this ensures it has a regular fan base. A casual google search of the science of nutella addiction threw up some results that caution against it's use.( http://www.healthy-holistic-living.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-nutella.html?t=SOE )

My point? Eat Nutella, Live Happily Ever After! :D 

Songs are my refuge when the world shuts its doors or when I choose to shut my doors against the world. Playlist:

• American Oxygen (Rihanna)
• Bas Ek Pal (KK)
• Beetein Lamhein (KK)
• Naseeba (Sunidhi)
• Mine (Phoebe Ryan)
• Khwaishein (Arijit)

Toodles! :D