Bliss.

Bliss.

Monday, October 30, 2017

Exulansis

When you no longer see what you once saw, you are filled with a mixture of wonderment and regret. Wonder for the complexity of the fluctuant brain and regret for lacking the visual acuity or rather, for the clouding of one's vision. Everything that you once chose to ignore is now all that you can see.

It does make me feel like a bad person but to lie through my teeth would be more hurtful. The last time I had this 'epiphany' was months after I left Deeksha..

Is it a trick of the mind? A weakness of will? A change of heart or dawning of consciousness?

When you develop the habit of pushing every discomforting thing 'under the carpet', you get a big mound of dust in your living room that can no longer be ignored.
When you have no answers for these questions and when you only have more questions for yourself, you know there has been an irrevocable change. This has also made me consider the role reversal and its only when you put yourself in another's shoes and walk a mile do you realize what you might have put someone through...

Do I have to have one good week and then a not so good week to set right the balance in the universe? Last week was a good one with some notemaking and the happy discovery of 2nd year Patho, Pharmac and Micro notes which actually make a lot more sense now, followed by surprise-ish visit by MaPaDi and we lit sparklers at Jewel Rock to celebrate our kind of Deepavali, two rounds of strawberry cheesecake with AbhiBP and later with FroggieTheFoolest and of course, the joy of new mail!

I don't know if its a seasonal blip or the negativity tumour that I'm seeding inside me but I've been in some kind of zone lately. And sometimes anything, from an unexpected friend's words of encouragement (Thanks to Dixi) to a few words by my Pingu to my unwavering source of support (Sanjj), I do know I am thankful for all the goodness of people around me. Help comes from unexpected quarters, at the least expected moment and makes an impact.

So we watched this movie, Secret Superstar and it was not bad but for some of the dramatic histrionics and saccarine sweet quality to the narrative culminating in a fairly predictable ending.

So I was talking to Di today and she tells me her favourite song is ALSO 'Nachde Phira' and we began to discuss our favourite songs (She finally has a new favorite song after Tu Jo Mila!)

No therapy like girl talk (ladies gossip?) with my Maa about everything under the Sun from which relative turned up at which wedding to what the neighbourhood auntie has been upto to everything else! :)

What's the best thing to do after a day of Preterm Labour, Breech Presentation, Post Partum Haemorrhage and some Abnormal Uterine Action with your mind in running its own commentary of doom in the background? That's right, scale up the notch and watch Ae Dil Hai Mushkil to test yourself. :))

Laugh at yourself a little more, don't hesitate to shed those tears and above all, remember, you are probably not alone. :)

Caffeinatedly yours,
J

Sunday, October 22, 2017

String Of Flowers.

A string of flowers for her silky strand,
He walked into her life, asking for her hand.
Endless sunsets and misty mornings in mind,
Reality was otherwise, she would soon find.

Away from the simple cows and the grazing meadow;
A village belle within four walls and a window.
Away from the friendly folk and rustic lore,
She lay forgotten but for her marital chore.

Bereft of the care and love she craved,
Alas, her first born could not be saved.
Agony and pain seethed through her veins,
In futile hope, she clutched at the remains.

No longer was she the cherished one,
After all, she had failed to beget a son.
A string of flowers she saw in his hands,
But they never made it home to her silky strands.

As the eager wife waited in her desolate tome,
The flowers found their way to another home.
And they wondered why she turned insane.
After all, wasn't he handsome and humane?





//Now I'm writing something after what feels like months. I'm surprised I could even string two words together. This is based on a movie plot that I heard from a friend and a fertile imagination. KThanksbye

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

Ho Hum

I have to state that this post will have no value add whatsoever. It's just me exercising my freedom of speech, freedom of rant and freedom of cynicism.

So now that my cough seems to show signs of abating (yes, I've finally learnt to titre smaller doses of cough syrup), I am in a far better state of health. The annoying thing is when you're down with a fever/cough you don't want to go to the OPD because you tend to think; hey should I really go for something trivial like this, maybe I can handle this myself. Except the cough needs better antibiotics, so yeahh.

Wayanad is not happening after all and after a few days of moping around, I've come to accept that we have a lot on our plate at the moment so perhaps it was not meant to be.

We do see a lot more cases in medicine postings these days,
  • A case of fibrocavitary lesion in the right upper lobe due to reactivation of tuberculosis in a middle aged chronic smoker.
  • A case of hydropneumothorax and swelling of limbs with h/o tuberculosis treatment.
  • A case of syncopal attack in a middle aged patient of Aortic Stenosis and Mitral Regurgitation.
  • A case of global aphasia and hip fracture in an elderly patient after h/o fall but recovered after a few days.
  • A case of alcoholic liver disease in a middle aged woman.
  • A case of emphysema with h/o ischemic heart disease in an emanciated elderly patient.
So we have a marathon of internals coming up in the next 2 weeks. After that we'll hopefully have some sort of study holidays until our exams.

My policy has become it is better to be asleep than to sit up and think endlessly. I'm not saying its working great but I think I'd rather not be entrapped by the web of worries I spin around myself. It's been one year and I ask myself have I become any wiser? Have I changed for the better or worse? You imbibe the good, ignore the bad and remain true to yourself. It's safer to avoid these questions and plough on.

To be honest, I feel, education is no prophylaxis for stupidity! Wisdom comes from practical knowledge and common sense, not something that poring through endless books would teach you.

Successful people are not the ones who never make mistakes, they're the ones who aren't afraid to make mistakes but also pick themselves up and get back after a fall.

Another thing that I've realized is that its important to discover yourself, work on building your strengths, develop better communication skills and have good hobbies. Somehow, at the end of the day, you should be able to hold a good conversation, have a good set of friends to share your best moments and have a sense of humour. Or atleast, retain some 'spirit' in life no matter how hectic or gruelling your schedule will eventually be. Because, at the end of the day, why do you put yourself through all the rigor? To lose enthusiasm in life? Of course not! Nothing is worth that.
Bottom line: Learn to stop and smell the roses. :)

So we watched snippets of this Telugu movie Arjun Reddy (don't worry, I still have my prejudice against the language) and we had a lot of fun poking fun at the blockbuster movie that seems to have got rave reviews for its depiction of 'raw reality'.

I also watched the Good Doctor from the makers of House MD and yet again another stunningly attractive set of doctors are busy saving lives peforming complicated surgeries and having a great social life a la Grey's Anatomy except there is an autistic doctor with Savant Syndrome also in the fray.

Songs on my mind include:
  • Build it better : Aron Wright
  • Seetha Kalyanam : Suraj S Kurup
  • O Rangrez (from Bhaag Milka Bhaag)
"That's the thing. I don't think I kind of believe in deep down. I kinda think all you are is the things that you do."

Sunday, October 8, 2017

pre Monday Morose Musings of a Medico

Maybe I should make a To-Do List of all the things I want to blog about before I commence because I actually have many musings to put down.

Anyhoo, Last week I made what will probably be the last Bangalore visit for the year. The journey to Bangalore was actually good. I travelled by the morning train after quite a long time and there’s nothing like a some rainfall, pleasant music and a good weekend to look forward to. It was Di’s Birthday so we had the usual cake cutting and balloons kind of party.


On our return journey, we happened to strike a conversation with two college girls travelling to Shimoga as a part of the ball badminton team from Maharashtra participating in the nationals.

I definitely had a good experience trying to converse with them in my defunct Hindi (“Aap Kahaan se Ho? Nagpur ke saamne? Wahaan ke Orange acche hai na?” and other cringeworthy moments.) Furthermore, they were from Chandrapur , Sevagram and other areas in the interior of Maharashtra and were travelling together for the first time. With great pride, the recounted how one of their seniors selected from a previous such Nationals tournament later went on to join the Olympic team. With their education being funded by a scholarship, they get good support from their family. Most of the compartment uncles asked for their story in turns and gave appreciative nods while the aunty beside me underplayed the whole scenario. (“Swalpa nu English baralla alva? Nagpur Orange enu chanagiralla, Chikmangalore oranges eh chanagiradu.” and other face palm worthy moments).
While Shimoga was inundated with heavy rains the same evening, here’s hoping those girls go far ahead and shine. :)

This week has been hectic to say the least. Getting back to college, we had to finish with the OBG end posting which was taken by Arathi ma’am who had a LOT of questions.

After the Surgery internals were announced (which clashed on point with the South Zone Quiz), we had some running around and letter writing to do which were all duly rejected until further intervention from the Psych Dept ensured that we would take the internals with another term a few days later.

After this came the BNET quiz for which I didn’t really prepare but tried to read up on some Anatomy and our present portions. While I barely scratched the surface of Anat, I must mention how I felt quite happy that day because reading from BDC brought back some memories of Vasudha ma'am explaining the structure with the brain in hand. I really wish I could go back to her just to listen to her teach!
When I got all excited and made stick figure man notes! :')
And so we set off to Dharwad from the hostel around 5AM, boarded the direct bus, alighted at Hubli and finally made it to the sprawling SDM campus. While initially there were no other contestants in sight, they made their appearance by the aforementioned time and the quiz began with an initial MCQ based prelims.So the prelims had about 50 questions in 50 minutes and we did quite well! The finals had about 5 rounds including a rapid fire. While we didn't make it in the finals, BP and Disha came second and will represent our college at the finals in Bangalore. :)

After some snacks at their canteen, we set off towards Hubli to board the bus back to Shimo. We had a make shift meal of Jolada Roti and Random curry and Rice at a nondescript hotel as dinner and headed back to the hostel by 1am.

I had typed a LENGTHY paragraph on my phone which I didn't save and thus I have more reasons to be a grouchy git.

There's always something new to see, some new experience every time I travel.

The little one who began crying when the bus started because his grandpa hadn't got back yet.
The woman who patiently picked out the lice from her husband's head even as he bowed down to her.
The old woman who couldn't stop arguing with the conductor at the top of her shrill voice until another passenger explicitly asked her to shut up.
The young boy looking out of the bus at the young girl standing outside in the evening drizzle; sharing a wordless moment, perhaps until their next reunion.
The lost puppy on the road, the mentally ill man grinning away to glory, the hen on the bus making eerie sounds and the woman crying in the ER..

I could go on but you get my drift; every person, every moment is a story in itself if you bother to look.

So why am I a grouchy git? After yesterday, I felt I am lacking on SO many Basic levels. I mean, there are things you should know and those that are good to know (i.e will be useful later). There is no point trying to work on the second category when you have some loopholes in the first itself. I feel I did not reason out enough but that stemmed from not being aware/sure of so many things to make the necessary connection. Anyhoo, got enough and more on my plate for now!

So by this virtue, I cannot attribute my happiness to any physical entity, person or event. Which would mean I would have to feel intrinsically happy. Does this mean the happiness one gets from any of the above is not to be encouraged because we would be dependant on it? Or is the fear that the deprivation of them would cause us to feel sad?

I don't think I can blog much in the coming weeks (this is the lame lie I come up with every 15 days -_-) but I think it wouldn't be a bad idea to blog instead of spreading my neurotic tension to everyone around me.

On another note, I should probably update my status on all media and issue a public notice that I am not responsible for my lousy acyclical moods; the fault is in Rguhs. -_-

I haven't heard too many new songs lately but I think the old ones more than compensate for it. Am I the only one who feels that moments can be recreated with music? And that the happiness you feel with these pleasant recollections, is probably enough? As in, an old some heard in childhood brings back some cherished memories, the ones from school actually make me laugh because we are all so naive.. :) (Did you know That is her favourite song? It's such a bad song XD)

Further more, I am often torn between having the everything that happens is for the best kind of mindset to the 'No, of course not, why try to see good in bad' kind of comeback. The best resort would be to ignore both and just do what has to be done. (I Didn't say I do that all the time; don't assume.)

Confusedly yours,
J