Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Troubled Times...

Where Do I begin???
I spose at the very beginning...The Last few days have been trying and tough for everyone in the family.
Thursday my tests got over and I was ecstatic. Friday was AWESOME coz we had our case study( though it was hardly worth it's name).It was great fun and we took loads o snaps. (Course some ppl did not like that a lot.But I did'nt want to waste my Precious Day for that).
So that day I stayed up till 1.40 AM sending mails and all..N afta dat Mom n I went to Mantri Square in Malleshwaram. 
I think avoid the place unless you're blessed with unlimited energy and can tolerate crowds.I took my own sweet time for my shopping ( sportswear for B'minton  and cute tees 4 Base) and finally after a few arguments I was Done with my stuff.
The place was kinda too huge according ta me.Forum is good coz it's not too big nor is it small and congested.This one was Humongous.So after all the shopping , it was back home and I was up on the Net uploading the pics and other stuff.

Next day was A Girl's Day Out coz Akshatha, Dhruthi, Deepthi, Sumana, Neha, Vidhathri , Anusha and me all had a BLAST!!!
First I was at MM at 10.00 AM sharp  while everybody else slowly came.Sumana and Deepthi came at 10:40 along with excuses ready. :|
So we got into the bus and Akshatha joined us at Jayanagar.(And Never took a ticket.)Then we got down at 4th Block and ambled and strolled around aimlessly as if we had no responsibility or cares.( For a Change.)
We had some food at Cool Joint and dropped iceblocks in Cane-O-La.Clicked mad snaps on the way and I was busy hiding from a Nosey Aunt.Picked up some thing for my sis.Walked hand-in-hand with Deepthi.Remembered Rachana.Went to a park and had a nice Photo Session.(Some lame guys were interested in getting featured in our pix.Nothing was going to spoil Our Day.).Clicked away as if we were never going to see each other again.

Then we parted and we had Yelneeru.Walked a Real Long Distance and finally reached a topless bus stop.Scorched our butts on the seats and nearly died of thirst.
Got into a crowded bus whose passengers never decreased but steadily increased.Neha and I suffered from Acute Asphyxiation.Got back home at 3.00  PM dripped in dirt and covered with sweat but with  a look that I had had the time of my life which pleased my parents.

Then we left for our Ajji Mane and reached US( Ultra Slow thanks to:..............).Nidhi and Mama were getting ready to go to the match( Pavillion tickets.).
Thatha was happy to see me and said " Are you new to the family?, your  visits have become rare" in English.
Then I was requested to stay back while Mom n others went to the dentist.I wasn't happy but I agreed.
Later there was a change of plan and Ma agreed to take me along.Thatha said something about "old man", "longs for company", "rarely any visitors" and was also extremely angry about something I don't wish to disclose.
We left and I spent time with Atthe .It was a long time since I had spoken to her openly and it led to the Same Topic.Then  we had dinner at her Mom's place and reached Ajji Mane at 9 PM.
We saw him hobbling in the compound with a tired look.Ma was touched and requested me to speak to him kindly.
He was angry about us not spending time with him.  He was particularly angry with ......
He petted Anbu and lifted her up and pampered her.He gave me a glass of milk saying I should drink it If I cared for him.He spoke to Dr. Ajay Singh and said it might be possible that he will forget him.They spoke for a while and then we left after he gave Lokesh a Ravalgon and said "Bye " to each and every one of us.If Only I Had Known It was GoodBye that he said....................

Next morning we were supposed to leave for Mysore for a short trip and I slept after a bit of FB.Morning my mood was spoilt when MaguAjji woke me up at 5.When I was brushing my teeth Ma banged on the door and said Thatha had had a Heart Attack.I stared.I didn't know what to say.She left in a few minutes and I sat dumbstruck.Then MaguAjji dropped the bombshell.
He had died.

Only then din tell Ma coz she wouldn't be able to take it.He had died around 3 AM.I was too shocked to speak and I locked myself in my room.I felt myself in tears and let it all come out but there was nothing.Death. why did it have to come to him?
Heart Attack.But he wasn't a heart patient.He had loved me a lot.Had I loved him the same? Truth is bitter.
I was undergoing indescribable emotions and sat on the couch thinking of the memories.
Then we got a call.Ma. She had got to know.She had cared for him.And I will liberally add "the most".I couldn't say much.I just heard her.

Then I shut out my memories and went on FB. I don't know why I did it but I did.I saw the pix and uploaded them and all that stuff.Then we left for Vasanthnagar.During the journey I was filled with trepidation .I did not know whether I could take what I would be seeing.
We arrived.I got out  and rushed and saw the doors open and there he was.draped in garlands.Something he had never received in his lifetime.With a serene look that he never had when he was alive.
The rest of the day was emotionally taxing and I did FB  to destress myself.The rites where too much for me to see but I had to and also had to console my distraught Mom and Gran.Many were in tears and most were on the verge of it.And then it was all over.

Yesterday there was Base and I went.The Photo appeared in DH and TOI and we began to get non-stop calls from Bank colleagues , Family friends and a lot more people.Syko got to know too.
Base was nice but crowded and there were too many boys and I did NOT like that...

Tday was ok.Reading Good Wives.Set in 19th century America it's about a family of 4 girls and is interesting.Innocent and delicate, Alcott has left an indelible mark on me.

I still don't know why I haven't cried.Is my heart made of stone? I imagine him sitting beside me and reading this and that scares me.I often look around as if trying to find him in the skies or just as a translucent image.I'm rather scared to go to his room or see his walking stick, his watch , glasses and other things.

I wish I had spent more time with him.He used to tell me of his desire to live to see his grandchildren settled and happy.I wish I had spoken to him properly over the phone when he used to call, longing to hear my voice.I wish had come here more often instead of just pretending to study at home.I wish I had returned at least a fraction of the love that he loaded me with.I wish I had sung all the songs he had wanted me to.Now no one will ask to hear my voice again.

I was blaming myself for all this when Dad and I had a talk and I felt better.I'm convinced though that he was upset with us when he died and .....

I hoped tomorrow will be a better day and he will always remain in my mind.He wanted me to be a successful person and that I will do.
I believe even if nobody does that he can see us from the skies.Maybe he will be happy there after his years of suffering here.Dad agrees that all of us have something to  feel guilty about and that all of us  never understood him.Ma was the only one.

I want to compose a poem in his memory and will put it up as soon as it's done...
I guess you've got to be careful with what you say because ....Well, ppl take it differently and I hope never to hurt anyone anymore...
I think I need to improve as a person and treat others better.Gran's there and I'll do all I can for her.

Now , got other stuff to do.....