The Drifter

There has been a lot going on lately but I believe I'm merely floating through it all and it's only coffee that can get me back to my senses.

In a placid lake that led to the stream
Floating along like a midsummer’s dream
Guided by the forces of another,
With not the least care or bother,
The solitary log drifted by
With no ‘what’ or ‘why’.

If only it had a destination in sight,
Would it have known the happiness of reaching it right.
But alas, the comfort of sailing along the current,
Meant there was nothing to do to a large extent!
With time, the trees blossomed and the sky sang in harmony

But what would you know about joy if you’ve never known agony?

The rivers cascaded in gay abandon and the Sun and was over the hill,
But what would you know if you never knew winter’s chill?

Constance had extinguished the little pleasures,
Life is nothing if you’ve got nothing that you treasure.
If you choose to sail against the fearsome tide,
You’d have the experience of your life even if you died.

Fables of February.

No event is complete without being chronicled in the vestiges of my blog so here goes!

It all began with the sports day where we were once again divided into 4 groups with ludicrous names just like last year (Ancilers: fondly known as Ant hills, alzhiemers and silencers, Spartans, Phoenix and Nighthawks Reloaded) and two events were scheduled per day. There were two days in the stadium and day 1 was fairly interesting because I wasn’t with the people I usually hang out with but I think I managed fairly well. First half was with Jeslin and Shaheen :) Second half was with Govi and Avm and the best part was zooming around solo on a gaadi, playing baddie and yes, hogging! I won a badminton match, lost a chess match so it was all square at the end of the day. Day 2 was Baddie Day and I was expecting the inevitable but Lady Luck smiled upon me in my third attempt. The best part was not the end but every time anyone said anything supportive! Just like the team supporting me even though the truth was inevitable last year, I never expected people would do so, but it really boosts your morale by a million points (Even if it’s just short-lived). The whole team spirit thing is actually great to some extent but when clashes occur, it can get ugly as was witnessed on several occasions.

And after all this was the customary Ethnic Day where all we did was smile and pose for pictures which would eventually lose their value. We did have a few games in the afternoon and post this we rushed to the PG classes after which I still had some work to do regarding the Antakshari.


So the culturals was on 13th and 14th. On 13th we had the Quiz (we came 2nd! :D 3rd time in a row -_- Will I ever be 1st?!, Pot Pourri and a few other events. Although I had boldly signed up for a lot of random events, preparing the much awaited Antakashari with a scheming frog was taking up a lot my time! The fact that the frog in question raids phones, laptops and watches censored Dubsmash videos led to a lot of confusion and probably gave free entertainment to anyone watching the E-Library CCTV footage. So the 3 (Maniesh, me and Rajesh-the fat frog) worked on it until we had all the rounds set and we would at least not get cornered by the contestants themselves! (Given that we were dreading a certain contestant’s prowess in Bollywood).

 Day 2 was hectic because I decided I would indeed go on stage and willingly make a fool of myself by participating in non-filmy singing (incidentally I came 3rd among the few participants present), my laptop was discovered to lack the port for the cable for projecting on a screen (VGA Something) and I was foolish enough to audition for anchoring, get selected and then get embroiled in a confusion I still don’t understand. After some last moment panic attacks, the presentation and videos played on screen and the antakshari went fairly well (obviously thanks to my superior anchoring skills). We had a round where the audience had to guess the movie starring a rare Jodi and sing a song from the same, another where we played the audio of a song and the video of another song with similar traits (Such as Dhola Re and Pinga) and the team had to answer a question on either the audio or video, another on the music directors and director combinations in Bollywood and so on.

After a day’s break where the air was finally cleared on all the anchoring business, there was more work to do! I borrowed Vindhya’s gaadi (probably one of the 3 mistakes of 4th year) and Shivam (Junior) and I set off on a long ride; first to McGann (to invite the IMA President Dr. Shivayogi, then to Vinobhanagar: Kundur’s place for my saree (which we reached after a lot of chasing the wrong people on the wrong road scenes- It’s pretty far btw which made me realize, greater the distance from Subbaiah, lesser the bullshit you deal with maybe), then to Subbaiah hospital in Jail Road, Maxx multispeciality Hospital and finally to Manasa Psychiatric Hospital (to invite Dr. Rajni Pai). After some more gaadi related confusion, we finally had everything in place and set to work but it was no easy job. I realized I was anchoring not just with any ordinary frog but with a hyperactive, devious minded, multitalented yet ultra-lazy bullfrog. D-Day arrived and we were still not done with the speech by noon. We were finally done with it by 2PM and I rushed to the mess if there was anything edible left. I was offered Channa if I could walk through a huge tub of chicken and take it. Hungry and famished, at the site of a huge tub of raw chicken, something snapped inside me and I started yelling like an idiot until I was pacified with edible non-animal food and I quietly had what was given. Ugh! The horrors of hostel -_- After this, I was in frenzy because nothing was turning out as planned and I backtracked on my prior plans on second thoughts and that left me in a confounded state. Evening arrived; chief guests arrived well in advance while the VIP Subbaiah student crowd took its own time. It finally began, and it went fairly well (except for the frog croaking “20k16” in the end! xD) After this the cultural programs began and they improved by a degree compared to the previous year. Post programs and dinner was the customary Dj night that went on till the wee hours of the morning. 17th was a well-deserved holiday because most people couldn’t scramble out of their beds until the afternoon.

And yes, it’s all finally over! We’re probably done with all the excitement and drama for the year. As creepy as it sounds, I enjoyed most of it, even though it was tiring, led to conflicts, was a lot of responsibility and there weren’t only victories.. Win or lose, I enjoyed every moment in the journey.. 

I did learn a few things. It’s amazing how people are multitalented, be it sports, dance or music. It takes leadership skills to get a team to do well and it requires a LOT of patience to coordinate events like these. I also realized how multifaceted people are.. 
Everyone’s universe seems so much bigger in contrast to yours that you might just be a speck of dust.. 

Simultanagnosia

So I was reading up on a few new things and I came across this word:

Simultanagnosia

Technically it means “missing the forest for the trees”. Person fails to comprehend an object as a whole and can only perceive only parts of it. A person might look at a table lamp but fail to recognize it for what it is. He or she sees the base of the lamp and assumes it to be something else, like a box or an ashtray. Isn’t that what happens to us sometimes? We get so caught up in little things that we fail to move on to see the bigger picture. What I mean is, don’t let bogged down by petty things, there’s a lot more waiting for you if you change the way you see things. Don’t narrow your vision to just the bare minimum, think of what lies ahead and stay motivated. Sometimes, Life requires us to focus on the finer details but sometimes you need to have a bird’s eye view of the big picture.

Childhood is synonymous with playing outdoors and cuts, bruises and scars and perhaps the trophies of a childhood well spent. I’ve got scars on my knees that’ll last a lifetime thanks to rolling down a road while being chased by dogs and during cycle rides. I remember the one over the knee took awfully long to heal and formed a thick brown scab that I prematurely peeled off until the process had to be repeated. Why am I describing an ugly scar that occurred more than a decade ago? My point is, wounds need time to heal and it’s not something you can rush through. Imagine if I had put a plaster over and continued cycling like the wound didn’t exist? Sure, it wouldn’t look messy initially but eventually the wound would just get worse and take longer to heal. Sometimes it’s important to acknowledge a wound and take steps to treat it. Ignorance IS NOT always bliss in such cases!

People will walk in and out of your life according to their will and wish unless you stand guard and latch the doors. Beware of intruders and don’t be surprised if insiders chose to decamp without notice. Yet, remember that there is always a silver lining. Just when you’re at your wit’s end, Life will surprise you with something that will brighten you up in spite of the thunderstorm. Remember to be thankful for those moments of happiness in the middle of uncertainty, for those people who share their umbrella in the rain and for most of all, remember to believe. Just believe, in yourself, your dreams and your principles.

Literary Ventures:

Eleventh Commandment: Jeffrey Archer
Vision in White: Nora Roberts
The Secret Countess: Eva Ibbotson
Anna Karenina: Tolstoy
Animal Farm: George Orwell
Hitchhiker's Guide: Douglas Adams
Contact: Carl Sagan

Musicophilia:

Sanam Re: Arijit Singh
Pyaasi: Swarathma
Aayat: Arijit Singh
Same Old Love: Selena Gomez

SFCBR: (Early blog readers, you may be familiar with this term)

On a positive note, it is indeed great *giggle* to get back in touch with old, long lost friend and realise that some people don’t change. It’s actually mind blowing to think that though it’s been 13 long years, good people remain inherently the same as they were. Indeed, a pleasant surprise :D It’s also refreshing to see so much positivity and faith in your abilities :’) I also reconnected with Punyakoti after a long time.

Auf Wiedershen (Germanic influence lol)

The Fire That Lasted.

He crept out of the house stealthily and walked through the shadows. An owl hooted in the distance and leaves rustled with the wind.  He looked over his shoulder uneasily but continued pacing briskly through the lanes that broadened as he walked further. A shiver ran down his spine as he imagined the consequences if he were caught and tightened the shawl around his face so that he wouldn’t be recognized in the faint glimmer of moonlight that peeped through the trees.

He was well aware of the risks of this nocturnal expedition but he had to visit her. Logic and reason could not convince him to postpone the rendezvous because the heart overruled. As he entered the older part of the town, the houses bore a resemblance and shared the common traits of peeling paint and a worn out façade. Praying for luck, he gently pried open the gates and walked towards the window on the side. He gently tapped on the window and hoped to God that she was still in that room.

After what seemed like forever (but in reality was about a minute), a hesitant tap answered his call. Slowly, she opened the window and nervously appeared before him. Several moments passed in silence. Her face registered the beard and unkempt appearance he had acquired in a fortnight, his face absorbed the pearly glow in her face, the worry and anguish in her eyes and the happiness in her smile. In those precious moments, it seemed like they were united as a single entity and not divided by the chains of religion that had threatened to tear apart their love.

Their stolen moments of unity were numbered as rustling sounds in the vicinity indicated that they were not alone. The noises grew closer and louder yet he did not retreat. Fear burned them from within but the contentment of being in each other’s arms was immeasurable. If this was the end, then so be it. If this was a new beginning, there were safe. As their eyes met, fear was vanquished by the fire within their souls that yearned for togetherness. The warmth in the room had turned into a smoldering inferno but to them, it made no difference. The walls crumbled to dust from the fire, and the thatched roof began to collapse under the heat but they embraced the fire like an old man meeting his Maker after a fruitful life. As the flames curled devilishly close to them, they knew that their wish had been fulfilled.

***************************

The morning brought forth a stream of onlookers and none dared to enter the building that had burned like an inferno in the middle of the night. The conspirators were free to roam the streets for there was no proof to incriminate them and after all, the deed was done. When the concerned officials ventured into the crumbling building to see what remained, what they saw haunted them for the rest of their lives. There they were, entwined as one, without a scratch on their bodies and their faces shone with the radiance of a love so great that the mere embers and flames could not douse the fire that burned within them. Nothing could explain the mystery and none delved deeper into matters which made the locals cringe for each knew that they were responsible in some way. It may seem that it was only in death that they were unified but in reality, tormented by religion, outcast by society and shunned by family, they had finally found new meaning in the arms of the beloved. 

January Jitters

It’s been so long since I’ve blogged that I’m not even sure I can make sense anymore. So here I am, back in Shimoga, starting off with 3rd year and having a whole new set of goals and (un)realistic expectations.

The past two months have been hectic, gruelling, sleepless and insane. What with confusion over which book to read for Pathology, trying to remember all the bacteria, accept that sexual harassment begins with parasites, cook up side effects for drugs and invent definitions for Forensic terminologies, it has been a mammoth marathon study session in the past two months.

What is also interesting is how each of us coped with the stress. Some turned into grouchy gits, some withdrew into their cocoon, some others resorted to music to shut out the world while a meagre percentage (which deserves a standing ovation) remained themselves and did not show the signs of psychosis.

So there were many things noteworthy since my last blog:

• Di and I had a good time after a really long time. I hadn’t been making time for her so these holidays I tried to make up for it but we still haven’t gotten past the accusation of “Akka, why are you always on Whatsapp?!” She’s smarter than we give her credit for and her thought process reminds me of the time when I too had such a pure and unadulterated mind. She’s a lot more practical while I was the dreamier kind. (I don’t think that has really changed though)

• Meeting up with a few friends (Pinki, Raksha, Sahana, Sindhura, Sanjana, Anjali, Medha, Akshata). It was good catching up with old folks but it also served as a good example of how we’re all constantly evolving in different ways so we can no longer expect to find the same common factors. Ideas evolve, priorities change, and so you can’t really expect that nothing changes. It also serves as an indicator of how people have grown in their respective fields since we all began on separate paths. There were many I couldn’t meet though I really wanted to thanks to the frugal holiday schedule of our college. (Sanjana, Anusha, Mani, V3, Preethi)

• There were also short trips with the family: 
• Pyramid Valley Meditation Centre on Kanakpura Road 
•  Club Cabana with the entire family which turned out to be a lot of fun :) 
• JLR Bandipur and Shukavana in Mysore

Bangalore seems so much more fast paced than when I moved out. Or else it’s just that I’ve become laidback even though I walk around like I’m not. 

•  I ran into Dale and the ENTIRE Deeksha gang at Vinny’s when I was at Green Trends. Nothing could get more awkward than the obvious silence. I have never wanted to use an Invisibility Cloak more. The creepiest bit was one of his crew mates saying “….. Bandipur….” Out of the blue!

•  I’ve restarted working out and I’ve even got a few apps that monitor the calorie counter, step count and all that techno jazz but let’s just hope I’m consistent. (Am I not hopelessly optimistic?)

•  So Abhi had this sudden idea that did not seem plausible initially but when I actually googled it, turns it has great potential. Basically, the bacteria on your phone are unique and share many OUT (Operational Taxonomical Units) commonly with the bacteria from your thumb and index finger which you use for texting. The idea is that every individual has a personal microbiome and this can actually be used in identification (something like a bacterial fingerprint)..

• I’m suffering from PEDD (Post Exam Depressive Disorder) even though I walk around like that’s a fake thing but believe me, it can happen to anyone. Symptoms include lack of enthusiasm in the proceedings of the class and surroundings and the persistent question popping up in mind “What am I really doing in life?”

Relationships with people have been rocky but maybe it has shown me more of who I am and maybe that’s why I’m so disturbed. Ego is a horrible thing that can ruin any relationship so just “throw it out of the window”.

Maybe (actually, definitely) this whole mood swing has got to do with an identity crisis. What am I turning out to be? When we were young, life was all about the next game, new friends, reading novels and there was never any real pressure to perform. As we grow older, responsibilities begin to creep and most of adulthood is probably all about how well we accept these responsibilities. Knowing that responsibilities are a part of life, accepting them with grace and still having the spring in your step, lilt in your voice and sparkle in your eyes would define a successful adult.

Losing enthusiasm is probably the worst thing ever. Your emotional graph reaches a plateau and barely oscillates northwards. We need the variations, that what makes life interesting.

Or maybe (just maaaybe) I’m suffering from PHRS (Post Haircut Regret Syndrome) which will abate in due course.

Seeya!

True Colours.

Who cares if now isn't the right time, people never decide when is the right time to hurt you, do they? 

Being nice is never a good choice because no one gets hurt more than yourself. And sometimes the one whom you would take the bullet for ends up being the one pulling the trigger on you. 

I'm starting to think that true friendships are a myth here. If not for the lifelines that I have back home and scattered across the state, I have no idea how I would survive this dreadful nightmare. Adi and Pinki, you guys are there when it matters. :') That voice that tells you that it's going to be okay is all you need sometimes.

The choices you make reflect who you are, your words may deceive but your choices reveal the true colors that you try to hide. 

At the end of the day, it all reflects your upbringing. Pity that some fail to impart basic values to their offspring. Wealth and knowledge have no use without certain basic principles. 

The lack of a solid argument and the lack of a good vocabulary (or basic English skills) is what makes people use profanity. It may intimidate but it really shows that there's probably just dried dung inside that cranium.

Sometimes it's important to take a step back and re-evaluate if people actually deserve to be in your life. Because if they do, they need to stand up for you when the occasion arises, damn it. If they don't, then you can kick em' out and live happily with those who do care for you.

I give my 100% and I have every right to expect the same.

Let's just say a 1000 odd days until I get out of this hellhole!

Book Brinjal

(Pusthakada Badenekai)
^That's exactly what I feel I'm turning into what with our exams approaching in less than a month. 
Internals are finally over but that means nothing because the big one is lurking round the corner. Honestly have no idea what I'm upto! :/

Cya in 2016 maybe?

Playing With Fire.

How foolish could I be to think that I can dissociate from an intrinsic component of myself and assume that I will be fine? Yes, you can amputate the limb but there's no running away from the Phantom pain. There are some things that have become so ingrained in my persona that any attempt to bring about changes will only lead to chaos.

Exams are approaching and I'm supposed to be in hyper-study mode but that doesn't always happen. There are days when I study and I'm happy with what I've read and there are days when I attempt to study but nothing seems to diffuse through the scalp.

These days I've been reading about pathogenic protozoa like Entamoeba, Trypanosoma, Leishmania, Malaria and so on. Malaria for example has a life cycle in the female anopheles mosquito as well in the human host. The bite of the mosquito transfers the sporozoite to the human and this ends up in the liver where the pre-erythrocytic cycle occurs. The meront is formed which later bursts to release merozoites that penetrate the RBC and develop through 3 stages. The trophozoite that is formed matures and upon the bite of the mosquito, it is transferred to the gut of the mosquito in its blood meal. Here the sexual reproduction (sporogony) occurs and there is a zygote formed from the male and female trophozoite that enters into the salivary gland of the mosquito and is transferred to the human host in its next bite. There are 4 major forms of Plasmodium species, P.Vivax, P. Falciparum, P.Ovale and P. Malariae with Falciparum being associated with the highest mortality (Blackwater Fever) and generally presents with fever, chills and sweats that recur periodically. 

So apart from these there are several other protozoans like Toxoplasma that reaches a dead end in the human host. The definitive host being cats and other felines, the infective sporulated oocyst is transferred to humans through any contamination in food and water and it later develops from bradyzoites to tachyzoites  that later form tissue cysts. These are particularly notorious in the immunocompromised and cause life threatening complications when it is congenital like the 3CS: Chorioretinitis, Cerebral calcifications and Convulsions. 

Apart from these there are also creepy crawlies to deal with, their pathogenicity and clinical features being distinct. Some of them worms I've been reading include Diphyllobothrium latum (Fish Tapeworm- it has 3 hosts. It affects humans and then is transmitted to (as coracidium and then procercoid larva) cyclops from where it reaches fish (pleurocercoid) which is consumed by man and the cycle continues..), Echinococcus Granulosus (Dog Tapeworm- where man is only an accidental host and it results in formation of hydatid cysts in the liver and other sites), Taenia solium, Taenia saginata (beef and pork tapeworm that cause complications like neurocysticercosis through its cytsic forms: cysticercus bovis and cysticercus cellulosae) and so on. There's so much more to do in so little time and what's more important is also revising what I've read instead of just going on and on! -_-

Before this, it was Virology and that was quite interesting. Viruses are usually RNA or DNA or in the rare cases of retro viruses (HIV) it's a DNA:RNA virus that forms the genetic material. Viruses can causes almost all sorts of infections:
CNS: KJD, GSS, Rhabdo, Polio
Respiratory: Adenovirus, Rhinovirus, SARS, Orthomyxovirus,
Diarrhoea: Reovirus? Norwalk, Astrovirus..
Haemorrhagic: Arena virus, Ebola, KFD
and so on...

Coming to Pharmacology, there is SIMPLY WAY TOO MUCH! It's not a problem to read up on the new chapters but what is definitely a problem is revising all the drugs we've been reading in the course of one whole year! Just take the names, they sound so familiar, similar and yet so confusing! Take Amiloride, Amiodarone and Amantadine.

• Amiloride is a diuretic that acts at the Collecting Ducts and inhibits the renal epithelial Na+ channels and thus causes diuresis. (I think)

• Amiodarone is a broad spectrum anti-arrhythmic. I think it belongs to class II antiarrythmics and can be used for a wide range of arrhythmias. 

• Amantadine on the other hand is a multipurpose drug: It was introduced as an antiviral drug for treatment of influenza (mechanism is probably something to do with the Neuraminidase and Hemagglutinin antigens on the virus) but was serendipitously found to have anti-parkinsonian effects. It complements the action of Levo-Dopa and can probably used in the early stages. (I think)

• Now Amantadine rhymes with Cimetidine and Ranitidine but don't be confused because those are H2 Proton pump blockers which you would prescribe for Peptic Ulcers and gastritis because they reduce the gastric acid secretions. 

• Similarly, there is Metronidazole, Tinidazole, Satranidazole, Secnidazole that are used in the treatment of amoebic dysentery (E.histolytica) because they have this nitro group that goes inside the Amoeba, gets activated and attracts all the electrons so that the Pyruvate-Ferrodoxin Oxido-Reductase Pathway (PFOR) is inhibited so this ultimately has -cidal action on the pathogen. These are effective in anaerobic conditions if there were to be oxygen they themselves would compete with the nitro group for the electrons.. But don't confuse this with Ketoconazole, Fluconazole, Itraconazole or Voriconazole because these are antifungals that act by inhibiting the cell wall synthesis (I think!)

 I could go on and on and I might actually do more of this sometime :)

Pathology is progressing at snail's pace. I recently read about pathological conditions of the kidney and this itself spanned several days because of its convoluted nature (pun intended). In many cases, the diseases are a classic example of "Subversion from within" as Robbins describes the pathogenicity in HIV-AIDS. For no good reason, antibodies are formed against the basement membrane of the glomeruli and with similar auto-antibodies in the lung, you have your Good-Pasture Syndrome. And then there are immune complexes formed which are deposited giving rise to conditions like HSP and Lupus Nephritis..
Basically there are two clinical presentations:

• Nephrotic : Proteinuria, Lipiduria and Edema
• Nephritic  : Proteinuria, Haematuria and Hypertension

Apart from the glomerular, interstitial and tubular dysfunctions there are neoplasms (Renal Cell Ca), cysts (ADPKD ARPKD), hydronephrosis and so on.. 

Recently a strange thought struck my otherwise dormant frontal lobe. The water we drink is said to be "purified" thanks to the aquaguard water purifiers in the hostel as well as in the college. But nobody really looks into the maintenance of these purifiers or the steel containers that store the water. The water we consume no doubt has some bacteria. So what we could do is do a Coliform Count and also culture the bacteria in several media hoping to see which bacteria turns up. So there are two schools of thought with which we could proceed:

• The water we're drinking is fairly harmless so if the reports show presence of any bacteria it would mean our body has developed some level of resistance of these bacteria over time. This could be compared to water supply in a fairly cleaner source and see if there is any pathogenicity of these bacteria in a different region.
• The second approach would be to see if the water we're drinking has actually caused any disease in the hostelites and identify the causative bacteria. Has the bacteria evolved to evade the purification and become resistant? Again, one could compare with another water source and observe the trends.

As Uppi Sir said, it is a viable project (that I could attempt after 2nd year even if that means it can't be an ICMR project because the deadline for ICMR would be January when I'd be in the middle of practical exams) and I could work on it with the available resources provided and "define the problem" and then work on it. Whenever we begin any such project, it is very important to ferment the ideas into something definitive. What is the purpose of the project, what do you aim to find on microscopic analysis, how would you choose to analyse the data, how are you going to compare this with other water sources and what's the bottom line? One needs to have definitive answers before embarking on something new like this. 

Moving on to matters of the heart and conveniently ignoring Forensic Medicine which I need to read more of, I seem to be in a perpetual state of confusion and disappointment. 

I either have an inherent genetic defect in maintaining relationships- mutated MHR gene (Maintain Healthy Relationship) that probably explains why sometimes somethings never work out with some people. Or maybe I don't put enough into it or don't make amends or I expect too much from people or I just end up with the wrong people! 

Looking back always brings regret, which is why I try my best to steer my hyperkinetic thoughts in the right direction, but then there are times when you wish you had done things differently. I have this "Äll or None" personality. I either give my 100% and give my best to make things work or I don't try at all. I need to find the comfortable middle ground where you stay at a comfortable distance and maintain a better equation with people. 

There are times when I crave for silence. Silence from the chaos of my thoughts that are constantly in motion like electrons colliding against each other in Brownian motion. I crave for some solidarity of my thoughts, some respite from the constant tug of war that distracts me from anything I do. It stems from disappointment: a feeling of repulsion and disgust to who I've become against the stark contrast of who I wish I would be. Adapting to people and circumstances constantly has suppressed the true nature of me. There are moments like these, in these fleeting moments, in the scribbled notes of a story incomplete or an amateur attempt at poetry that I find myself. It is in this silence that I can sense creativity bubbling within me, hoping to find an outlet.

As someone rightly said (or as I understood it), sometimes you need to talk to people. The world feels less of a burden and much more bearable. In my case, it is my blog that I turn to, sad as it seems that it is a mere virtual entity. An imaginary non-existent figament that purportedly contains my thoughts without any reaction but giving me the satisfaction of having unburdened myself. Words, thoughts and ideas are the fuel of my existence. They define who I am and they help me evolve and discover more.Yet, trying to do away with even this mode of release is just slow asphyxia. Like the Carbon Dioxide that we need to exhale out of our system (before it can stimulate the Respiratory Centre in the brain, preferentially bind to the Hb and wreak havoc), my has invariably become a lifeline. A creative process that has become a part of who I am. In the past, the blog was a mere glimpse of who I am. Over time, it has evolved into something more concrete. It's either that, or I've officially gone NUTS. :D It would only be self-destructive to stifle my voice against the waves of conformity. 

I cannot run away from the consequence of my actions, I can only make peace with myself. I cannot rebel against what I chose, I can only accept the reality. In the end, we are not defined by those around us because they are never constant. So there is no point pondering infinitely about how we are perceived by people who do not eventually matter.

What I Do In The Library

• Mature is when you are polite with the people you don’t really get along with because it seems the right thing to do but it’s mistaken as fake.
• Natural is when someone behaves in a certain way that is perceived to be fake by those around him/her. Example: some people have a fake laugh.
• Opportunistic Faking is taking advantage of a situation for your benefit by saying things you do not mean. *Sycophants*
• Synergistic Faking: Two people playing along for a mutual benefit

On a lighter note, I have discovered that I have a rare but seriously awkward condition known as Paroxysmal Laughter Syndrome (PLS). The genetic causes have not yet been established but they occur due to a sporadic mutation in the SNL gene. (Sane and Normal Laughter) Going back to the basics, I read in Vilayanur Ramachandran's neuroscience books that laughter is the body's way of recognizing a false alarm. A mother approaches her 8 month old child with arms outstretched and a serious expression. The baby is surprised and worried that it has done something wrong. As the mother approaches closer, her expression softens and she suddenly takes to tickling the child. The child bursts into peals of laughter at this and creases of fear vanish. Why is it that the child laughed? What is the neurological basis behind this sound produced by the larnyx when we notice a funny incident? The idea is that in the course of evolution over centuries, laughter has evolved as a mechanism of letting the body know that "It's all okay, no harm done". The brain had expected some danger but the turn of events proved contrary and hence we burst into high pitched giggles or happy squeals or sometimes into a loud cackle that causes bystanders some discomfort. So my problem is that I tend to burst out laughing in the most inappropriate circumstances and seem to have no control over it. It might be at a friend's birthday treat, or when I notice two individuals walking or in the middle of class/postings or worse still, while discussing a serious matter with the Principal. A thorough in depth analysis of the reason behind this has brought me to the conclusion that I have a tendency to over-think. When the people around me heard the same sentences, they didn't find anything remotely amusing. But my confounded brain makes some connections that they couldn't imagine (nobody could believe that I would think in that angle) and hence I had a tough time stifling my laughter while the others looked at me in surprise. The other incident could also be attributed to the same cause. The brain processes a simple harmless data into something much more fancy and embellished that appears humorous and hence the intractable giggling in inappropriate situations. What remains now is now I somehow learn the art of keeping a straight face and avoid embarrassment. 

In case you want to know more:

• http://brainworldmagazine.com/neuroscience-of-comedy/ 
• http://www.nature.com/news/1998/981217/full/news981217-2.html

Another thing I discovered recently is the redundancy of Antidepressants. Depression is something many people will claim to have experienced but the few who have been clinically diagnosed with it would know that it is a quagmire of hopelessness that would drag you into its realm and before you know it you are incapable of getting out of the whirlpool of endless thoughts circulating within. From what I know, there are two theories (among others) that are proposed for the pathogenesis of depression.

• BDNF (Brain Derived Neurotropic Factor) is an important component that has an overall role in controlling emotions and thoughts. Any decrease in BDNF could trigger depression.
• Monoamine depletion. Seratonin, Dopamine and Noradrenaline are some of the neurotransmitters whose variation could also contribute to depression. Current antidepression therapy is aimed at mainaining the levels of these neurotransmitters at the optimum levels. Drugs include:
• MAO-B inhibitors: Moclobemide
• Amitryptilline, Nortryptilline, Imipramine, Desipramine, Doxepin, Dothiepin
• Fluoxetine and other SNRIs.
• I can't remember the newer Anti Depressants.
• NUTELLA. This single substance could alter the treatment of MDD radically if it were administered to all those suffering from disappointment, loss, desperation and hopelessness. As most people who have consumed this sinful delight would know by now, Nutella is fairly addictive and this ensures it has a regular fan base. A casual google search of the science of nutella addiction threw up some results that caution against it's use.( http://www.healthy-holistic-living.com/what-you-need-to-know-about-nutella.html?t=SOE )

My point? Eat Nutella, Live Happily Ever After! :D 

Songs are my refuge when the world shuts its doors or when I choose to shut my doors against the world. Playlist:

• American Oxygen (Rihanna)
• Bas Ek Pal (KK)
• Beetein Lamhein (KK)
• Naseeba (Sunidhi)
• Mine (Phoebe Ryan)
• Khwaishein (Arijit)

Toodles! :D

Rewind

Blogging before any test is never a prudent choice but since I’ve been known for such lapses in judgement in the past, this too shall join its predecessors. After what seems like eternity, I’m greeted by the echoes of my own words; the stage is set but there is no audience for my soliloquy. (Seems a bit dramatic right? But let me clarify, it’s by my own choice that there are no audience being subjected to my moody musings and I intend to alter that in about 2 months).

One year seems to have passed in a flurry of academic rigour, sports and exercise, cultural activities, cooking extravaganzas, movies, outings to the city and beyond, shifting dilemmas, tests, internals, fests, quizzes, posters, assignments and so on! The list is endless but what beats me is how much has changed since the day we began our second year of MBBS. The time has now come to consolidate all the knowledge acquired in the span of one and half years and prepare for the finals. The idea of writing 7 papers followed by practicals and viva in 4 subjects is indeed one that creates tightness in your throat as panic seizes you and worries cloud further thoughts on the matter.

There are several things that have been running in my mind lately that I’d like to offload. To begin with, the SDM Quiz was a good experience but we did not make it. I received an email (today, to be specific) informing us that we’d scored 43 while the qualifying teams scored in the likes of 48-54. The prelims mainly featured questions from Sparsh Gupta book of MCQs for Pathology while the finals was in the format similar to the one conducted in our college by V Sir, albeit a little less difficult. BP and I travelled by ourselves and it was our first such experience where we managed to figure our way out in new towns and cities, travel by local transport, watch the changing landscapes, observe the altered linguistics in different districts, eat and explore our way on our own and yes, manage the finances in the best possible way. Our mode of transport was the good old KSRTC bus as we forayed into the unknown terrains of North Karnataka. After wolfing down some breakfast in Shimoga and some last minute purchases, we boarded the bus to Harihar where we had lunch and then proceeded to board another bus to Hubli. Upon reaching this well planned and fairly well maintained city, we hogged on some pizza at Dominoes (after what seemed like AGES) and then hopped onto another bus to Dharwad. Midway, we alighted and stood for a few moments taking in the sheer size and architechture of the SDM Medical College campus. Well planned, well maintained and appreciably populated, SDM seemed like a true medical college, with patients and attendants walking around in apprehension, PGs and UG students bustling in and out of buildings and interns and residents scurrying around nimbly. It seemed unreal, to us, naïve students of Subbaiah as we glimpsed what we had always hoped to see in our college.

The highlights of the trip were meeting Sanjana and finally delivering the much awaited little-something. We may have been on the wrong side of time yet it seemed perfect and complete, cycling on the huge campus, taking a detour on our way back to Davangere to relish the traditional Jolada Roti (thanks to Sonika for her timely help!) and much much more. The conspicuous absence of a certain individual also residing in North Karnataka, in fact, barely an hour away spoke volumes. It merely shows concrete evidence of what Bhopie has been saying all along. Nevertheless, the much anticipated meetup will just remain as figments of our imagination because neither could care enough.

It’s about time I retire for the night and delve into the depths of my brain as I study about HIV, Orthomyxoviris, Hepatitis and so on..

Toodles! :)

Oneiroid State.

Warning: Dream-like state alert owing to insomnia and forensic medicine impenetrance has prompted incoherent babbling. Major throwback to Pingi and all the nonsense she's been hearing in school and deeksha. 

There are mistakes that bring a smile, 

A smile from the closed chapter of a lost book. 

Sometimes the chapters that we choose to overlook, 

Remain as fresh as ever even though it's been a while.

Folded pages and underlined phrases tell a tale, 

But the story between the lines does not unveil. 

Some day we woke up and erased it all away, 

Not knowing that it was etched within us for eternity.

But what book would be complete, 

Without the imperfections of the protagonist? 

It's only through those memorable mistakes replete, 

That I now believe in the perfect tryst.