January Jitters.

Clearly, I'm hallucinating. Nothing seems to be okay. Aloofness is in the air. I've built complex castles of confusion in my cerebrum and I don't know what's for real and what's a part of my vivid imagination.

The only thought that's reverberating in my brain is that I'm probably not a bad person and that there's always a silver lining in every cloud.

Here's a beautiful line from The Siege (which I finished at 2:00AM today):
'Whatever God has for you, accept it rather than fighting it. To accept it is to accept God.'

So I finished the book. Eerily disturbing and chilling. And normal citizens of a bustling metropolis endured such tough times. The book leaves you thinking, about the uncertainty of our lives, our fates and the little time that we have to make our lives worthwhile.

So the first internals has gone okay. The ride henceforth will probably be steeper and more rugged.

At the end of the day, it is virtually impossible to make everybody happy. And remain happy with yourself too, in the process.

I need a Yang in my life. Assuming I'm Meredith. *cough* Shepherd? *cough*. Lol.

New Year, New Beginnings.

Before I propagate my manifesto for 2014, let me just update you on the finer aspects of the last few days.

1. 26th December: Dad comes to college, Me becomes excited emotional fool. Permission to go home denied. Hyperventilation and Lacrimal Glands start working overtime. Permission granted. "Long Drive Pe Chal" with music and college talk. Reach Bangalore, hunt for Bhopie ki ghar in the semidarkness of JP Nagar, finally make it. Hog on Pizza after months. Chat about hostel life, freedom (in Bhopal) and the lack of it (in Shimoga), academics and the surprising joy of it, friends and close friends, sponge bobs in Shimoga and dignified debaters in Bhopal (*wink wink*). I felt reconnected with a part of myself which I thought I'd lost after I joined medicine. Turns out it still exists, surreptitiously hidden in the recesses of my brain.
   
2. 27th December: Bid adieu to the baboon by name Sanjana and head home. I was pleasantly surprised and touched by Di ki Christmas Tree (all decked up with Ma's help) and she'd made greeting cards too! Rest of the day was a sleepy haze and evening we went shopping in BSK, had good ol' Golgappa and added a few more specimens to my jewelry collection.
   
3. 28th December: Morning session passed without much ado. Oh yeah, I got an ECG, a Sonographic scan, post and preprandial blood tests, and an X-ray too. Shockingly enough, I have a near perfect report. Post lunch we headed to Vnagar where I convinced Ajji that she needn't feel so sad for me and she is convinced that she convinced me to give up on coffee. Sleepover at Atthe Mane where we stayed up much later than we ever had. :)
   
4. 29th December: Sunday began on a sleepy note, was interjected by ample sleep in the noon and culminated with Dinner at The Village, Central JP Nagar. It was a risk that I took by suggesting this place, but luckily we all had a great time and a lot of different dishes at our own pace (which is rarely the case in most restaurants these days)
   
5. 30th December: I can't seem to remember how the mornings pass. I mean, seriously! Evening Ma and I watched Dhoom 3. Watching movies has become a surprisingly fun event with Amma. I rarely go with anybody else either. The rest of the evening was mildly unpleasant but fairly overshadowed by the movie.
   
6. 31st December: Morning was doing Divya duty for a while, shopped for survival food for the hostel, met Maidha and we went to Sapna where I purchased:
1. The Krishna Key: Ashwin Sanghi
2. The Tell Tale Brain: VS Ramachandran
3. The Lowland: Jhumpa Lahiri
4. The Red Queen: Philippa Gregory
5. An Anatomy book which I think will be useful for me.
   
   Plus, Mama has lent his book 'The Siege: The Attack on the Taj' so I'm really hoping to get back to my reading habit when I get back to College. Primarily this is another way of spending my time usefully when I'm not studying or sleeping. I MUST make time for reading these books (plus the books that I brought last time!), even if it means lesser networking with friends.
   
   Each time I come home, I realize that I've stagnated to some extent and I try my best to overcome this. Here's to a lot a more reading in '14! (Academic and non-Academic)
   
   After book shopping for myself and a curiously docile Divya we headed to PH for the usual hogfest and it was a hearwarming feeling to hang out with my beloved Sheepie once again (It reminded me that insanity is a very normal phenomenon that strikes the best of us! :P )
   
   Post this, I came home, began the arduous process of packing my bags and retired to Dreamland as usual. Later in the night, we headed to PV for that rare family dinner that passed quite eventfully (thankfully). Good food and good conversation makes for a great time :)
   
   And thus, I began 2014 while putting Di to sleep, convincing her that the fireworks that she could hear were infact her own imagination and that all little kids were in bed and she should go back to sleep too. :)

Here's hoping for a better tomorrow, good health and much happiness to anybody reading this. May this year take you one step closer to achieving your goals and realizing your dreams, May this year give you the endurance to overcome the tough times, enjoy the good times and work for betterment. 

On a personal note, I hope I can be dedicated to my choices, loyal to my friends, and faithful to my own values.

Back To December.

So it's holiday season and I'm back in Bangalore. (implies time to go on a blogging spree!) I've been so eager to blog that the day before Physio exam, a considerable amount of time was spent pondering over the various subjects I will blog about when I get home.

Songs have been an integral part of my life. At each phase/ stage, I've been in love with different songs. Here's a glimpse of some of them:

• Kaho Na Pyaar Hai: My first Bollywood movie. Hrithik Roshan was my "favourite hero". I still love the evergreen songs from this movie.
• Made In India (Alisha Chinoy): Loved dancing to this as a kid. (This was before I realized I lacked the ability to dance gracefully!)
• Dhola Re: Danced to this song in school when I was in 2nd standard and subsequently on so many occasions. Bengali attire, saree and exuberance. :)
• Saathiya: Our first drive to Coorg. When we packed food from Dasaprakash, had lunch on the way and reached the Kodava land after crossing all the "Hairpin bends".
• Kya Mujhe Pyaar Hai: This was somebody else's favourite song and I slowly began to love it too..
• Yeh Ishq Hai: Was madly in love with this song during 7th and 8th. The memories make me smile today. :P
• Dus Bahaane: Singing this on the Karaoke with Nidhi, trying to dance to this silly song. Lol
• Laari Choti (Ek Chaalis Ki Last Local): First heard it on MTV, nearly 5-6 years ago..
• Paas Aaya Kyon: The song that puts me to sleep. Since the last few years.
• Pehli Nazaar Mein: The most long standing favourite song of my life. :)
• Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna: singing this in 6th, buying the cassette just for this song.
• Pehli Baar (from Kaminey): during 9th and 10th..
• Jeeyein Kyun, Te Amo: Dehli Shimla Tour song
• Lehrein: The sad song for the sad days during PUC
• Tu Hi Haqeeqat: The Deeksha era
• Vele (Student of the Year), Piya O Re Piya, Jee Le Zara, In My City (PC): Hostel songs.
• Tum Hi Ho, Sun Raha Hai Na Tu: The first few months of Medical. (I watched the movie for the first time with Suman on August 15th! :) )
• Ishaqzaade: Current favourite.

Kaho Na Pyaar Hai

Ye Ishq Hai

                                                   

Lehrein: Aisha

So zooming ahead to December 2013, Internals have been the major event of the month hence that explains the depleting stores of milk and coffee pudi, the perennial brightness in our room (it was like a relay; one sleeps, the other gets up, studies for a while, wakes the 3rd one and goes back to sleep. Hence our room lights were on nearly all night.

The practical exams could have been better, especially Histology and that will hopefully be amended by the next exam. Theory exams were okayish, but frankly, I was saturated by then and couldn't wait for the exams to get over. It's a pity, actually. During the regular academic session, I "hyper-study" purely because I can and I like doing it, but by the time the exams arrive, when I really have to go on the Hyper Mode, I'll be too fatigued and caffeine intoxicated and hence my motivation levels dipped a bit this time. :[

On the friendship front, things are slowly getting better. I mean, I now have a few people I can call friends. Few. I've lost a few people too in the process and unfortunately there were some very disturbing moments, particularly during the internals time but luckily I've decided not to care too much and take things as it comes and NEVER EVER trust people in college. Trust me, I speak from experience. 

Music Is The Only Constant

In a world where people change, situations change and moods change, music is that blissful constant in our lives that brings back memories, gives a sense of warmth that pierces the thorax, lodges in the middle mediastenum where it penetrates through fibrous and serous pericardia and stimulates the baroreceptors of carotid sinus and aortic arch which stimulates the Vasodepressor Centre which causes a vagal tone and thus brings about bradycardia in a disturbed soul.

Flawed physiology aside, college is progressing as usual. Internals are nearing, panic ought to be setting in but so far it is only superficial and not deep. -_-

My perpetual fears of losing track seems to have amplified, friendships appear to have become strained, it appears impossible to entangle oneself from complications arising due to certain relations and the chill blanket that envelopes the college in the night does not make matters simple for the wannabe owl.

Nutella Addiction is an inexplicably pleasant phenomenon that causes chronic idiopathic shortlived happiness but the positive feedback mechanism that it causes can trigger pangs of craving for that elusive dabbi which cannot be found in all of Shimoga.

Ultimately it's best to be with the few good friends I have from school and college because implicit trust is bad for my own well being. Or am I being obnoxiously cautious to the point of having OCD?

I got a haircut. B-)

Caution.

I don't like it. I don't know what to do about it. I'm worried.

And I thought I'll never stop blogging.

I can access Facebook on my tab but I can't blog, I concede. 

Colder days have arrived, nights are chill, mornings are misty and the daytime is getting sleepy.

The other day we had a cultural event in the college (and we all grabbed the rare opportunity to dress up *HAHAHAHA*) and the programs were interesting (to say the least)

In the end, one of the surgeons of the college (who also teaches General Surgery to the 2nd years) and I found his speech very relevant. Basically, he stressed that one must not get bogged down by the profession and turn into an "Automaton". This is possible in case of medical practice because there is very little scope for creativity and most of it adheres to standard procedures. Hence it is vital that one does not lose their creativity, originality and other interests in the course of this profession.

Looking back at the last 2 years, I honestly don't know whether to laugh or cry. (Okay, I'm doing neither, I'm just considering it as a phase and an experience.)

I mean I got my passport renewed, wrote the SATs, I spent HOURS over essays (even in March and April), I ran a marathon and attended a MUN, I went around looking for Teacher Recommendations, made Financial Aid Applications, filled the CSS Profile, posted photos of UChicago in my hostel room, tore them up, received a FedEX mail from Atlanta, prepared a music video for scholarship, googled a zillion goddam things for my Colorado essay and the Waldo essay.

And now I'm here.

I sometimes wonder, maybe that is the closest I will get to going there? All the glimpses, all the hopes and all the effort..

But I enjoyed every minute of it, I put in my heart and soul and wrote every essay with painstaking effort, prepared with great fervor for the SATs and yes, I suppose I did everything I could do.

Obviously, I don't think of this phase of my life if I can help it, but then it is true that this phase existed. Hence it seems appropriate to document it.

Contrary to public perception, I wasn't really such an angelic kid who made no mischief. Unfortunately, I made the kind of mischief that mostly went undetected. I've had my share of squabbles with friends, tantrums and short tempered outbursts. It's just that it happened a long time ago, so people have conveniently forgotten it.

So I gave my second seminar today (On Cerebral Circulation) and I was told that it came out well. The topic is actually extensive and I merely grazed the tip of the iceberg (Papa sent me a PPT with 94 slides. WUT)

I suppose I've got to go now.
Seeya soon :)

Of Popliteal Fossa and Parties in the Night. And Solitude.

Holidays were great. Home was mostly great and I'm missing Divya more than ever. It's true, she's hyper goose but I guess that attribute runs in the family :-P
Day 1: Atthe Mama Nidhi
Day 2: PESIT: Manasa, Medha and the others. Evening: Vidha3
Day 3: Rajath, Avaneesh and Vikas and also people from Subbaiah!
Day 6: PINKI
Day 7: Sanjana of Deeksha and the X A2 reunion..
Fastforwarding to the present tense, I'm back at college and life is a chaotic, messy, hectic existence as usual.
Lack of invigorating music in my life could be a probable cause of so much pseudo-misery in my life.
Everybody in college appears to be in a sudden HyperStudy mode and the intensity is a little surprising. But nevertheless it isn't unwarranted considering the speed at which we're progressing. (Or rather, expected to progress)
My latest theory is that staying alone during 2nd PUC made me more of an independent person and hence that could explain the state of my social life.
But maybe things will work out over time.
*Addicted to Ishaqzaade*
So the other day I was looking at the conundrum called the hip bone, trying to figure out the anatomical position and its features (thankfully, I feel less blind now after our teacher taught us REALLY well!), when the aunties who clean our rooms saw me holding it and were super curious to see, to touch and to learn all about it. So I tried telling them about the bone, where its located and how it articulates with the head of femur and so on (that too in my primitive Kannada). It was actually interesting and I remembered Appa saying that if I've truly understood a concept, I should be able to explain it to just about anybody..
I make notes. Here's a sneak peek
:
Popliteal fossa.

The only awesome thing in the last several days is that I spoke to Suman!! (At SNMC, Bagalkot) and yes, today I spoke to Pringles.
Yesterday was Saniya's birthday and wow, it sure was a well organized party with a really cake that was mostly wasted on people's faces. XD
The silver lining in my life currently is that I have a few episodes of Grey's Anatomy in my tab.
Maybe it's true,
I can't live without you.
*I go Back to December all the time.*
Going to make myself a cup of coffee and figure out what's going on in my heart (Literally and figuratively :-P )

The Hip Bone

Popliteal Fossa :P

Nooo.

Just when I thought, maybe, life would be okay again, a bolt from the blue.

I cannot survive another Apocalypse. That is certain.
Neither can I watch anybody struggling through it. That too is certain.

I'm scared of what's going to happen when I'm not around.
I CAN'T deal with all the turmoil again.
I've seen ENOUGH for a lifetime.
It's like a Chamber of Secrets and you're always in the fear of when it will 'Unleash the Horrors within'.

How can ANYBODY Live with it?! 

Is this some kind of sick joke? 
So are we meant to take this on a regular basis?!
Wicked Game, this Life.
I've never wanted to hit 'End Game' more.

The moment, the very moment I lower my guard and begin to trust, I'm betrayed. And brutally.

I'm counting the reasons to be a part of this sadistic life.

Where To Begin?!

As usual, I get my hands on the Laptop and I'm lost on FB or Gmail or a news portal. And a new entrant to the list is scouring for the latest songs. (No radio -_-)

My apologies for the last post which was anything but complete and basically very atypical of me.

So I'm done with my exams and I'm in Bangalore for a few days. And my calender is already lined up with appointments with people I need to meet! Excited to meet Vidha3, Manasa tomorrow and I'm taking part in a quiz at BMC on Tuesday with Rajath :D (Although my GK has plummeted to rock bottom levels)

Di has grown (intellectually and physically) and I'm super glad to spend some time with her. Only, I sometimes wonder if it's me she wants or my Tab. Lol.

The thing is, the Jain Hostel was anything but 'True Hostel Life', the food was great, I had my own room, I had my privacy and I had no reason to complain! So my point is, it wasn't like living in a hostel, in the true sense. I didn't socialize much (a conscious decision, that) and Pa kept visiting me very often :)

The sad thing is I've packed more books than clothes in my suitcase. -_- Ok, not sad in that sense, but I've left all the good clothes in the dusty cupboard back in Shimoga.

So these hols are a true blessing for me to re-look at the way my life's heading, the way I am and the road ahead.
College is very much hectic and the annoying/sad/depressing/frustrating thing is that I'm not relaxing in the 'right' way.
Right includes:

• Baddie! 
• Novels
• Singing
• Blogging

Right does not include:

• Lazing on Whatsapp
• Blinking at FB

So I've got to do something about that, because we have SO damn much to do, that I'll burnout by the time the actual exams approach (which is nearly always the Story of my Life.)

Adaptation is a key to survival, I know. "Survival of the Fittest" and all that jazz, sure. But what about Individuality? Why should I change who I am in order to 'belong'? True, I can either adapt or else live in solitude. This isn't a serious issue currently unless and I sit and ponder about it.

On a serious note, my social life is a lot different from earlier and I'm not sure if this is what I want. Or if this is in my best interest, given my nature. True, I'm in a medical college and things change, (or so I've heard from my Engg friends who are having quite an active social life) but this isn't an active social life either!

I'm slightly confused and I can't wait to go and bleat all my issues to Pinki. (Babi. xD) But it's about time I sort it out myself and listen to that Inner voice (however faint it maybe) I tend to over-think, trust people blindly and then get hurt badly. And at every juncture I question myself if I'm doing the right thing (so much so, that it feels like OCD :P )

I'm not comfortable with a lot of things going on, but I haven't been assertive enough about it, I suppose.

*Listening to Yeh Ishq Hai* (Brings back memories of me singing this in class 7 on my Birthday. Lol)

Another thing that I've been occasionally wondering about is, we are all born without any blemish and essentially we are 'Pure Souls' and somewhere down the road, something changes right? Innocence is the attribute of a child and with age, it probably diminishes.
But maybe that's not what I mean, I'm wondering if I've become more self centered in the past few months.. (which is ironically another self centered thought! :P ) I can probably brush it off as a phase, given that I was in the 'Settling in' Phase for a while. But I think I was a bit (if not a lot) different in some aspects. 

So that's about it for now.. (Damn, I'm sleeping late again!)

Seeya soon. 

(Another thing I forgot to mention is that I love to see Comments when I blog. Sounds lame/dumb/stupid, I am aware, but after taking the time and effort (lol) to blog, it feels nice to occasionally hear someone say something, anything. *Hint Hint* JK. :) ) 

Its The Way I'm Feeling, I Just Can't Deny.

So it appears that I have become an infrequent blogger despite having internet, a suitable device and a sane mind.
But Time is scarce and fatigue is inevitable for the sleepless soul. Hence, my apologies.
Three weeks ago, I met dad, mom and Di and we had a short break at Bananki Homestay near Thirthahalli.
Last week I met atthe, mama and Nidhi and we vacationed in the Bhadra Wildlife Sanctuary.
Right now, a lot of things are swimming in my head.
Corocoid Process.
Conoid Tubercle
Coronoid Process.
Subscapular Artery
Subscapularis
Suprascapular Vessels
Supraclavicular
Supraspinatus
Subclavius
Flexor pollicis longus
Flexor pollicis brevis
Extensor pollicis longus
Extensor pollicis brevis
Palmaris longus
Palmaris brevis
Tocopherol
Cholecalciferol
Retinol
Stercobilinogen
Bilirubin
Lumirubin
Protoporphyrin
Porphobilinogen
Coproporphyrinogen
Myesthenia gravis
Achalasia cardia
Chronaxie
Rheobase
Desmosomes
Peroxisomes
Microsomes
Centrosomes
Tubulin
Actin
Myosin
Troponin
Tropomyosin
Suresh sir, our Anatomy professor at Subbaiah Med, was working abroad until a few months back and he has been involved in several research projects during his time in the US as well as in Manipal.
One of these includes the study of the creases of the digits of the hand to establish a pattern between the occurrence of the crease pattern and incidences of schizophrenia.
Another one is the study of effect of radiation on the hippocampus which was carried out on both mice and humans. (Pregnancy?)
And today in Physiology, our class was basically Shit. :-P
Bye.
I'm coming home, I'm coming home.
Let the rain wash away, all the pain of yesterday.