This Or That.

They say I think in binaries. 0 or 1. Black or White. Good or Bad. Necessary or Unnecessary.  I see no in between, no intermediate entity. I have always had clear cut definitions. I don’t like blurriness; be it in my vision or in my perspectives. This is how I’ve always been. Do I want to change that? I don’t think so. That perhaps explains the uneasiness that gnaws within me.

There is so much I want to do. Am I really working in that direction? Or am I just working and waiting for everything to miraculously materialize? Ugh, I don’t know where this is stemming from but I’m feeling a lot of discontentment about myself. Is it probably inversely proportional to how ‘happy’ I momentarily feel?

I pride myself for my ability to not be influenced by the choices of those around me. It is one trait I hold close to myself hence, I’m pondering if I am consciously responsible for my actions or have I been influenced by those around me, willingly or unwillingly. 

Gokarna, March 2017 with Abhi and BP.

I don’t have the answers to any of these. I know I think too much, trust me, I don’t like it either that my brain keeps churning out such inane rubbish in the midst of an Aortic Aneurysm and I tuck away these thoughts in a tiny cubicle in my brain, assuring it that I will open the Pandora’s Box once I get the time to blog about it. :)

I want to talk a lot more but I don’t know if this is the medium to unload all my burdens, but it makes sense to reflect to oneself instead of somebody else because you will eventually hear an opinion, an advice, a suggestion or better still, a similarity in thought. All of which is unnecessary when all you need is a mirror. A plain mirror to lay the bare truth in front of your eyes; with all its ugliness, its scars, bruises and perfect imperfections. And that cannot come from anyone but me. (To cut a long story short, I find it as important, or probably more important to understand myself, consolidate my thoughts and be a whole person by myself than anything else. 

Or is this defensive attitude stemming from my fear of being influenced by new ideas and thoughts? 

What is nice may not be necessary and what is necessary may not be nice. 

In the end, nothing matters except what you believe in, what you stand for and what you do.

Subtleties are always better. I could write a million lines on everything I can imagine, which a far more powerful tool than reality is. I want my imagination back. I find much more beauty in metaphors, in an indefinite entity than in the raw face of reality. 
Maybe. 

And that reminds me;

http://scienceblogs.com/mixingmemory/2006/07/17/the-cognitive-science-of-art-r/

Read under ‘Perceptual Problem Solving’. I remember reading those very lines in VS Ramachandran’s Emerging Mind.

On an unrelated note, the marriage seems to have bitten the GRS family cousins as 2* more have fallen for the trap and wedding bells shall be ringing throughout this year. 

Jogging everyday hasn’t helped in physically (Let’s be honest :P ) but it certainly elevates my mood and automatically trashes all the clutter that I tend to attract with a magnet. -_-

Can’t wait to meet my super-achieving Minnulli over this month end (hopefully). :)

Bye Bye Old Faithful :)

(Trust me I’m not a raving lunatic who fondly addresses a virtual entity and distances actual people who listen to her. I just like me more.) 

La La Land

Hello from the other side! :)

So I’m currently in Medicine Postings and we’re getting to see some good cases. A few days ago, I got a chance to remove the pleural effusion from a female patient and it was quite interesting. It’s not often that the Prof offers a chance to do it and you end up draining about 450mL of fluid from the patient’s lungs. So it was basically a 3 way apparatus where one can drain the fluid and then direct it into a container with the turn of a knob. So it was going well until I suddenly began to feel a lot of resistance while draining the fluid. In cases of progressive Pulmonary TB, there’s a lot of fibrosis in the lung parenchyma making the drainage slightly tricky. Usually giving corticosteroids would prevent fibrosis but this is a double edged sword because it could flare up the inflammatory reactions.

So at one point, the pressure I exerted to push the fluid into the container caused the pipe to snap out and spill some of the liquid. Now, this isn’t what you’d expect in your first attempt so I was naturally worried but when the same incident repeated under able hands, the culprit was identified to be the faulty device and replaced by another and the procedure was completed.

In Medicine, there are going to be 100s of procedures and this is just one among them but there is trepidation, excitement and happiness at having done something new.

Saturday, however, was another story altogether. One thing led to another and I began taking a case with the help of my batchmates.For some godforsaken reason, I didn’t think I would end up presenting it. I don’t feel like elaborating on it, but let’s just say that I felt absolutely inadequate about myself. I need to pull up those socks soon to improve. In my usual twisted logic, I’m glad I did this, because I now know how much more I need to know. Atleast I’m one of the “If you never try, You’d never know” kind of people. (Not always, but atleast in this context! :P )

I have so much to read, I’ve got an OBG seminar coming up and results coming sooner than I’d like. Why can’t the pile of exam papers EVER get burnt so that they’d pass everyone?! Atleast once in this lifetime? I hope nothing changes.

12th March 2017. Cheers to a new experience. :)

Long nights and days that fly.

Hey there. So here's the update that's  (hopefully) been awaited. At least I'm eager to share everything that's been going on so far.

So I'd been to Bangalore on two consecutive weekends and they were spent fairly eventfully.

The first week was spent at home and doing some shopping for the upcoming events. Basically what I do is board the night train from Shimoga and reach Bangalore City Railway station by the crack of dawn and leave the next night by the 11pm train to reach Shimoga around 4.45am. This is probably the most efficient thing to do considering how I utilize the daylight time effectively instead of traveling. After dinner and the last minute (race against time kinda) rush to the railway station, I boarded the train and I must say my night journeys are so frequent that I no longer find it hard to catch a few hours of sleep. So we've got this new cycling equipment at home which I tried out. Pity I don't get that kind of exercise back here in Shimoga.

Next weekend was Gautham's engagement so that kept me busy and it was a short but eventful visit back home.

P

After finally finishing with Obstetrics and Gynaecology we've finally moved on to General Medicine where a variety of cases await us each day, waiting to be examined and understood. I still haven't gotten the hang of these postings but hopefully I shall find my bearings soon.

Now that Dominoes and CCD have opened up in Shimoga we have a lot more 'legit' reasons to travel to the city.

Recently watched two interesting documentaries.
One of them is 'Food Inc.' Which gives us a brief idea of what goes on behind closed doors in animal farms. The second one was on the rampant increase in deaths due to prescription drug overusage/overdose.

MaDi were in town over this weekend and we got to spend some time together playing Uno, sketching and a hundred other games she spontaneously comes up with.

The words that once flowed in ebbs and tides,
Are now but a summertime trickle,
Metaphors and similes once came with ease,
Are now in halting, hesitant flashes.

Perhaps this exile is a twist of fate,
Come spring and perhaps the lyrical hum shall resurface.
With monsoon perhaps my words shall find their muse;
Until then, these verses remain in a hireath.

Mind Over Matter

I haven't blogged in a while. I will, soon. That is when I'm done with Obstetrics and Gynaecology for the next few months. I've convinced one of them of my dimwittedness by messing up with the Parity Index so I don't feel particularly good about myself.

The only thing worrying me is probably why I haven't been blogging as much as I was. The thought of blogging does occur to me but somehow I either don't have the time or the frame of mind or perhaps even the words to articulate everything on my mind. I honestly hope I can change that.

I can't think clearly anymore.

Plain Insomnia

Am I the most self destructive member of my species to roam this planet?

I am confident that I stand a strong chance of winning this dubious distinction.

Sometimes I wish I could stop it. The pounding needless thoughts within my mind that defy logic and fail to go through the much sought after Problem Tree Analysis.

Socrates: What Plato is about to say is false. 

Plato: Socrates has just spoken truly. 

Oh Bhi Jee is getting to mee. Records, cases, ultrasounds, OTs, NSTs and all the follow ups in the ward before inking the case in the record. 

But I swear I NEED TO BE STUDYING. 

I don't think I can quite write like before but I hope it is only a blantant assumption. 

Somewhere between repression and revolt, 

Somewhere between doubt and clarity, 

Somewhere between dread and desire, 

Somewhere between the sacred and the sinned, 

There is a line, a line hovering close to neither of the two,

But somewhere between the edges of the two extremes. 

Here I stand, unscathed and untouched by either. 

Yet this middle ground is a greater quandary, 

For there is nothing more befuddling than an indecisive soul. 

Beachy Days and Moonlit Nights.

Back after yet another beach side break and with more stories and memories to fill up the blog! :)

But before that, let me pick up where I left.
Snorkelling was more of a learning experience and we did get to see corals and fishes but learning the underwater breathing technique was itself quite a task! After this, we went on a ‘glass bottom’ boat ride so that Ma could also see the fish and corals without having to actually go underwater.

Post Elephant Island, we returned to Symphony Palms for an afternoon siesta and then headed to Radhanagar Beach. MaPa spent some time walking by the shoreline while Di was my swimming coach until we both started feeling a little prickly (probably something crabby creeping up our legs). We watched the sunset by Radhanagar beach and then headed back to our resort for an early dinner and some night time beach watching under the light of the golden moon.

The next morning on 14th January, PaDiMe rose early and headed towards SeaLink Adventures with excitement and tingling nervousness. Yes, we were off to our little underwater expedition. Pa decided that it would be best if he avoided the ordeal given his sore throat so it was just Di and Me who donned the scuba swimwear. We headed towards the water and waited until both of us had individual instructors. We were given hand signals to show in case of any discomfort/emergency so that they could act accordingly. Being thoroughly trained in the technique, they knew exactly how we felt and eased our tension.

Instructor: So we have the oxygen tank which is going to supply the air through the pipe into your mouth.

Me: What if the tank runs out of oxygen?
Instructor: That isn’t going to happen, the tank contains enough oxygen for 3 rounds of scuba diving and we have a meter that shows us the level of oxygen in the tank.

Me: So am I the first person to get this tank or the last?!

Instructor: Haha no, you’re the 2nd one so you’ll have plenty of air to breathe.

As we descended further and further deep into the sea, I saw the blues come alive, to be teeming with life in every nook and corner. Squiggly jelly fish like creatures, school of fish swimming so endearingly close yet slinking out of my reach, and the ocean floor studded with multi-coloured and patterned corals. It was an alternate universe underwater, thriving by itself and somehow undisturbed by the events occurring above its surface. We remained underground for about 30 minutes, clicked a few pictures with Di (who was holding up remarkably well) and then returned back to mainland.

After this out of the world experience, we had to rush back and get ready in a jiffy because the Makkruzz to Neill Island was scheduled to depart by 10 am. After a short cruise, we landed at Neill island, which, true to its name was the in several beautiful shades of Neeli and had most of us stop in our tracks with our luggage trailing behind us just to admire the pristine undisturbed beauty of nature.

We were to stay at Hotel Pearl Park which was very strategically located with beaches on two sides of its triangular property. After a quick check-in we headed to Bharatpur beach which had a fair amount of tourists but it had still retained its beauty. After a sumptuous lunch, we went to have a glimpse of the natural bridge formation which gets submerged every day at the time of high tide and then to Lakshmanpur beach for a view of the sunset.

The next day, i.e 15th January, we took the Makkruzz back to Port Blair and headed to Chidiya Tapu for a good trek to the southernmost tip of the Andaman Island. After some shopping, it was time to head back to North Reef.

The last day, 16th January, again included a very informative and (personally, I found it interesting) visit to Chatham Saw Mill and even a random Gandhi Park (because, Divya). Post an early lunch, we bid adieu to this beautiful archipelago with fond memories and thrilling experiences to last a lifetime.

Awargi

Back to the blogosphere after ages and there’s just SO much that I want to talk about. At the same time, it just feels good to be voicing all my mundane thoughts. It feels like I’m throwing my words into outer space, where they’ll remain for eternity, unchanged and untouched by any soul but merely as a memorial of the wandering thoughts of one convoluted brain.

So where do I begin?

We had our practicals, in ENT, Community Medicine and Ophthalmology which required some of our questionable clinical skills. The hardest part was to maintain even the semblance of composure for these practical exams lest we confirm the suspicions of the examiner that we are a lot more clueless than we’d like to admit.

ENT began with us unable to identify our findings with certainty but the examiner had decided to quiz me on Maxillary and Nasopharyngeal Carcinoma instead of my case of Bilateral Ethmoidal Polyp. As always, my identity and background was examined and scrutinized, my answers were met with sarcasm and derision despite the few answers that could pass muster.

Community Medicine was fairly uneventful. I was not too disappointed with my viva and I’m glad the examiners were of better temperament than we had anticipated. One of the female examiners though, did not respond adequately to any of my answers. Now, this is a far more worrying concept than the external shaking her head in disagreement or openly condemning you for a lousy answer because here she’s leaving you in the dark; you could be right, you could be way off target but she won’t really let you know which one. -_-

And now for the draconian subject that has always ‘eyed’ me with disdain, which has always threatened to obscure my vision and has often left me in tears; Ophthalmology. True to the guidelines of the earlier batch, we had to take 2 cases each in groups of 2 but we had to face the examiners alone. So I entered the lion’s den, turns my rapid answer convinced her that I had found out the questions from the earlier students which enraged her and she subjected me to a series of questions for which I couldn’t answer adequately and thus inviting more ridicule and mockery. At this point she asks me ‘So where do you see paralysis of Orbicularis Oculi muscle?’ and despite being a fairly simple answer, I couldn’t provide the answer she was looking for. After expressing her disappointment, she proceeded to the next question on Iris Shadow at which point, I interjected with the enthusiasm of a little kid that the answer to the previous question was Lagophthalmos.

Now the last time I did this, the Pathology external was quite pleased. But this lady here only had to remark on the speed of my lagging brain which further dampened my spirits and basically stimulated my lacrimal glands once I got out of the interrogation chamber. Luckily, the rest of the examiners were atleast more approachable and receptive to our answers. And at long last, 3rd year had come to an end.

After some dinner, I boarded the train to Bangalore and it was time to shop, chill, sleep and basically be an enthu cutlet. On the 11th of January, MaPaDiMe set off to the airport and we took the flight to Port Blair. As always, there was and probably will always be some childlike enthusiasm about take offs and landings. Di sketched a little and made a friend on the flight while Ma and I had a lot of topics to catch up with and Pa caught up with his sleep. Once in Port Blair, we checked into the North Reef and proceeded to the Cellular Jail (Kaala Paani) (I SWEAR I’m going to blog about it separately.) and then to Corbin’s Cove. At Corbin’s we took a boat ride to a small island (the size of lecture hall 1 mebi) and then got back to Cellular Jail for the light and sound show that described the rich history of the place and the struggle of the freedom fighters incarcerated here.

The next day, 12th of January, we spent the morning in the Zonal Anthropological Museum taking a sneak peek into the lives of the tribals (Jarawa, Nicobarese, Sentinelese, Shompen and so on) and their living facilities which were recreated. We also spent some time picking up memorabilia at a local gift store and took a short visit to the aquarium. After lunch, we proceeded to the Port area and boarded the Makkruzz from Port Blair to Havelock Island. After a pleasant 1.5hour journey, we landed at Havelock where we stayed at Symphony Palms , a beautiful property with access to the beach. While MaPa sorted out some accommodation glitches, Di and I just had to rush to the beach and the cool blue water was a treat to the eyes. We spent the rest of the evening by the beach and watched the golden moon appear and its rippled reflection on the water. I realized there are somethings that we probably can’t capture with lens. The beauty of that moment, the happiness at such a beautiful sight and every sensation that adds up to the experience; atleast my phone could not do justice to what I felt but I don’t think it matters because that experience is etched un my memory.

The following day, 13th January, we took a fairly rocky boat to Elephant Island where we indulged in water sports. PaDiMe ventured into snorkelling which requires one to master the art of breathing through the mouth and keeping the lips clamped shut to prevent entry of water.

Alas, dear readers, I shall have to bid a temporary adieu at this juncture. I will be back soon with many more exciting stories to regale you with. As I embark on a new adventure, I hope to see more, learn and gain from this experience. (:

Hello From The Other Side.

Hello there :)
Happy New Year! Another year, another chance to learn, grow and live better than we used to. Perhaps nothing really changes, but if it makes us sleep better at night, then why not? We created the Gregorian calendar, we’ve divided our days into weeks and months and on one decided day, we decide that it’s time to herald the New Year. Of course, no harm done so it’s okay to believe in it, after all the human psyche is impressionable.

But here’s something that has never rankled me. Perhaps you can thank my upbringing but I never seriously (I might have considered it, albeit in very mild tones) been in doubt about the existence of a higher power. It’s always something I’ve taken for granted, something that doesn’t deserve proof or something I’ve been able to believe in without testing its veracity. I’ve never had to defend my beliefs or look at it in the eyes of pure logic and rationality. Perhaps it isn’t the most scientific belief, but it has never been a topic of scrutiny for me. Some say it is a mere placebo, some say it is the ultimate truth. Perhaps it is none of them, I have never felt the need to question something so intrinsically ingrained in me.

Maybe I am delusional but It is a delusion I will be happily accused of it, because it is one of the things that keep me grounded yet gives me the courage to dream further. An endlessly debatable topic, I will have to lay the matter to rest here with this:

To each, his own, To believe or not believe is a personal matter. In my opinion, at no point must our beliefs (or the lack of it) come to affect others in a negative manner or create inequality, discord and unrest among ourselves or even ensnare us into practices that are neither purposeful nor practical.

On a drastically lighter note, I happened to watch the movie Kirik Party recently. Although it is much more relatable to the engineering students, it has its fair share of good moments about friendship and a thing or two about life.

Had been home for a few days and Bheemi is becoming a better friend every time I see her. I wish I can always be there for her to talk to, share her thoughts and give her strength and courage if she were ever in deficit. I’m thrilled to bits about the upcoming family trip!

Here’s a clue: Think out of the box. Or should I say, think out of the triangle? :D

I overthink. I obsessively overthink. I do what I think to be right at that moment and I compulsively overthink knowing that it has no bearing and knowing that I’d probably do things the same way given another chance.

All we need is to know (from ourselves or anybody who’d bother) that it’s okay. With all our eccentricities, idiosyncrasies and unique traits (Yeah, they all mean the same thing, but I’m trying to make a point here.-_- ), that I don’t have to join the rat race, the bandwagon and the stereotypes that people seem to swim in. That we’re going to be okay just the way we are. If that comes in the form of a friend or family, it shouldn’t matter; At least not to me.

 Practical exams are coming up and I think it’s about time I freak out, head to the library, pick up a book and figure out what I’m going to do in the next few days so that I don’t get on the wrong side of the examiners.

This year has a lot at stake. Knowing how I tend to press the panic button at the slightest hint of crisis, I just hope to give it my best keeping my sanity intact. Plus, I really want to see a healthier version of me. :)

Adios Amigos. :D

Sane Or Psych Ward?

Finally done with the theory exams of 3rd year! What with the flies, mosquitoes, discharging ears and squint-inducing ophthalm topics, the past few weeks have been crazily hectic coupled with a befuddled brain. I hope to God it goes well because I don’t remember ever attending a big exam without the bare minimum of shut eye!

Now that we’re done with one part of the examinations, the much more fearsome and irksome practical awaits us and before we know it, we’re going to be in the formidable Final Year. It’s scary, now I come to think of it, but there’s also excitement buried and waiting to be excavated. My goals are fairly simple this year (oh wait, I’ll make another post about that some other time) and I’ve got to keep it going!

 Rumi — 'Somewhere beyond right and wrong, there is a garden. I will meet you there.'

Now that’s easier said than done. Is it convenient to turn a blind eye to black and white and view everything in shades of grey? Or do we perhaps complicate life by assuming that the hardest route bears the sweetest fruit? (If I’m quoting from a Hindi movie, clearly I’m in need of some inspiration   -__-)

To be honest, I thought I had a lot to blog about, but I don’t quite know how to phrase the myriad thoughts within me. We meet innumerable people in this journey, some remain for a lifetime, the others bid adieu at different junctures. Ephemeral or eternal, everyone you meet is a chapter to add something new in your book.

Something to be learnt, sometimes a lesson, sometimes a mere frivolity; but something nonetheless. When you look back, no chapter matters more than the other but all that matters is how good is the book of your life.

When I thought about it, I realized this was actually true in my case. Back in school when I was hooked on to Samaneh’s and later to Aditi’s blog, I didn’t realize the impact that they’d have on me. To me, they symbolized a whole new world. Their thoughts, likes, dislikes and views on everything from music (Regina Spektor) to caffeine addiction became points of interest to me. I’m not saying I imbibed from them, but I just got to know about so many many more things. Perhaps I wouldn’t have spent so many hours every night reading up all the MIT student blogs, perhaps I wouldn’t ping people randomly asking my lame doubts, perhaps I wouldn’t have spent all that time building castles, but perhaps I would never ever know that such wonderful minds exist, such ground-breaking research takes place in another continent, and there’s so much more to life than the little bubble that we confine ourselves to.

I’ve got a zillion new movies (and a million of them are ‘Must Watch’) so it’s time to unleash the movie connoisseur within. Also I got a few new books from Sapna recently:

• Short stories by Louisa May Alcott
• Short stories by Tagore (2 different series)
• PG Wodehouse 
• MCQ book for supremeselfcreepification

On a positive note, I’m glad to bring to the notice of the readers:

• After a lot of work and reworking efforts thanks to Shamir, the people at Kommune liked my work and they’d want to pursue this at a larger scale.
• The Quora Blog, Poignant Painter is dedicated to all junior artists and they’re now working on their most ambitious project yet: A blog to book venture which might feature a poem or two. :)

Landed in Bangalore after a touch and go experience. Did a preliminary round of shopping and then settled. Met Sanjana after nearly 6 months and we had a wonderful time discussing and catching up on all the loopholes. Though it was probably our shortest meetup, there's nothing like quality time spent with Sanj. :)

Coming to the songs I’m currently hooked on to:

• Blank Space and Mental Manadhil (ě Vox)
• Lehrein (again! -_-) 
• Can’t help falling in love (Listen to the Hailey Reinhart version)
• Aahatein (EMET version)
• Bang Bang by Nancy Sinatra
• Kho Gaaye Hum Kahaan (I even tried singing it but it sounded like a nursery rhyme in my dull monotone.)
• The most popular song of Chris Isaak (I said listen only -_-)

Until then,
Toodles, dear imaginary readers. (:

Just Go To Hell Dil

Little one, stay away from the flames 

Said the older, wiser soul. 

The warmth that you seek shall only burn

He warned the curious child.
The blazing glow that she seeked, 
Left her singed and scorched in a pile of ash.
Perhaps there is a pleasure in this pain
She wondered, as the fire consumed her.  

It was only after the sting of burning embers
Scalded her untouched soul, 

Did she seek solace in a place within. 

Academics is progressing at snail's pace with lots more to do on the agenda.

Happened to watch Dear Zindagi yesterday. I didn't think I'd do it either. 

Interesting.
Tats.